Tearing myself apart

I hate myself so much right now. I am such a disappointment. I'm so fat, disgusting, revolting, huge... I look at myself in the mirror and it's horrid! I can I even walk outside! And to top
it all off I binged or the first time in a while and I feel so full. My stomach is bursting at the seams. I want to cry and just stay in my room an let no one see me ever! I even feel too full with my meal plan- and I went over my meal plan!!! An I am so mad with myself for letting myself fall back into all this **** all over again. I am back to sucking in my stomach an becoming angry everytime my boyfriend touches me. He knows. I have to weigh myself tomorrow too after this binge and I'm so scared to see the increased number because how could it not have increased after tonight.

Ah stupid mind pick something. I can't keep going back and forth like a ping pong ball- eat and don't- I can't keep switching emotional states!!!!! I am always mad and angry and depressed because nothing makes me happy! Not starving and obviously not eating either. I just want one to make me happy. I don't care anymore! I am such a failure at life. Even my dad said that to me today... I know I am. I am never good enough, a disappointment, a failure.

I haven't let myself cry since i've been home about everything- kept bottling it inside. Tonight is the first time I shed a tear. I always thought of crying as a weakness- never thought it solved anything. But I can't stop the tears

Wow Allee,
A very emotional post. You are obviously stressed to the max. But take a deep breathe hun you are ok and you are safe.

First of all I want you try and take all those negative things you have said about yourself and imagine yourself physically throwing them away off your body, because they are of no use to you.

You are not a failure at a life. You are trying to get well, even on days you feel defeated, you still reach out for help, and that is brave girl so give yourself some praise for that.

Can I ask are you going to therapy? If not, it is so important you do. There is a lot of emotions in there bursting to come out and you, like me, are trying desperately to keep them down and inside, but that is so unhealthy, and we are actually contradiciting what our body needs to do.

Crying is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of progress, so let it out, and start to believe in yourself. You are a good person and a lot stronger than you believe at present. Start to believe this please.

You are in my thoughts
Love to you
Moongal x

allee..you are NOT a failure..each day, hour, minute is a new opportunity.
Take a deep breath and start over....it's never too late!
HUGS..Jan ♥

Thanks for the support. It was just a really bad night. Thanks moongal for giving me the tips about sending the bad feelings away. I am not in therapy though I know I should be. There's just no way for me together that right now. I think when school starts I will try talking to a therapist there- do you think tht will help?

I see a psychologist at my school and I find that incredibly helpful.

You said neither eating nor starving made you happy. I don't know of anyone that is actually happy with their eating disorder. My eating disorder tells me that I will be happy if I just loose a bit of weight-and then I wasn't any happier. Happiness comes from within. Part of my therapy is to try and find my own happiness that is not dependent on my eating or on what others think about me.
Another thing, I used to think that crying made me seem weak as well, I always apologized when I cry. But now I see crying as a release, all those bad emotions are leaving my body through my tears, and only the good stays in me.

Stay strong,

Mallory

Hey Allee,
Absolutely talk to your school therapist, this will help incredibly. But while you are waiting just keep talking it out here. We are aware you are suffering and it is so hard, you are not alone in this daily battle.

And realise that letting your emotions out is much better than keeping them bottled in, because eventually they will come flying out everywhere, it is healthier just to let them go as they come.

Keep talking
Love to you
Moongal x

Allee,

First of all, you are absolutely not alone!!! I hate my body most days and even when I have lost some weight I often loose the motivation very quickly to keep going in reaching my goal. If there is one thing I have found in my own experiences with this, however, is that I did get used to the healthy routine I had developed which showed me, as moongal said already, that my issues are deeper than my weight. This is a slow process that takes time and patience. I have yet to get back on the bandwagon and hoping that this support group will help me to do that as I feel myself getting fatter and fatter and more disgusted with myself day by day. Often times I see a relapse as "it is all over, I am off the wagon, why even bother going back to my healthy routine" but if there is one thing I have learned as an addictions counselor it is that relapse is not the end as long as we get up....brush ourselves off...and keep going...utilizing our supports to help us get out of the funk. I hope that you are feeling better as you have inspired me. Good luck to you!

AndiLou21

Thanks everyone for the fantastic advice and support. I definitly will see the therapist at school, but that's a month away and I will continue to talk here :) today is a new day and though I still feel the lasting effects of yesterday, I am trying to have a better day.

Thank you

allee