Teeter Totter Push Pull

Mental Health Eating Disorders & Body Dysmorphia
1

Trying to process my thoughts right now... My anxiety is high...

I've been trying to clean up the mess left behind by my depression... After having been stuck in that hell for so long, I found that I was devoid of energy to organize and clean my home like I want to. I am a NEAT person! Very organized! And yet, I couldn't muster the energy to get my butt off the sofa and DO ANYthing for quite a long time... It exhausted me to think about everything that I NEEDED to do. And depressed me further to feel unable to stop the growing clutter.

I also shopped to make me feel better... Yes, some of that I actually NEEDED... Clothing... Whew-- I gave myself permission because I kept dropping sizes. And then because my recovery depended upon increasing my size. Lots and lots of wardrobe changes. Very expensive. I found that, in my depression, I wasn't paying my bills on time... Not because of a lack of money... That's the frustrating thing! I had impeccable credit! I was obsessed with paying everything on time or early! But as I sank further and further, I reached the point where it was just "easier" to try not to think about it at all. Bills would get lost in to-do piles. Shuffled around. Forgotten. Or just misplaced. I hate to think what has happened to my credit! :0/

So... I'm trying to dig myself out of this pit. I'm taking advantage of my summer off, and the energy boost of antidepressants, to plough through my house! It was generally "neat", but behind closet doors, and in piles and stacks only I knew about, the mess was consuming me. I've been slowly organizing. Purging trash. Getting rid of stuff I simply don't need. All my "skinny" clothes are piled on my bedroom floor, ready to be sorted, inventoried, and dispersed to Good Will, or wherever... I've sorted through my paperwork nightmare. Reorganized my office closet, my filing cabinet, my dresser drawers. I've taken BAGS of books to the second hand book shop. (And have a nice credit there now! ♥) I've been cleaning and scrubbing, washing laundry, shampooing the carpet. It is REALLY coming together! I FEEL better! I still have more to do, but my house is in better shape today than it has been in a loooong time.

And yet... I finally tallied my debt. No more hiding. I know what I need to do. And yet, I feel unable. With continuing bills for doctors and therapy and nutritionists... I feel that if this is the cost of reclaiming my life, so be it. And yet... CAN I repay this?? I suspect it'll take me two years to pay off the debt I ALREADY have accrued... And I know it's bound to get worse before it gets better...

I'm frustrated. I'm tempted to just say thanks for the pills, and quit my treatment team. And yet I know I shouldn't. I'm not ready. Will I ever be?? Will my goal of being able to eat like a normal human being by the end of the summer cost me more than I can afford to pay?

There's no let up... Today I head to the cardiologist for an Eco and Stress test. All thanks to the failed "easy health clearance" I was supposed to get following an EKG. Irregular heart rate... :P Phooey. More to worry about... TRYING not to. TRYING to convince myself that everything will be okay.

I want Prince Charming to swoop in and rescue me!! I WANT IT!!! But every time a man approaches me I get SCARED! I BOLT! I push them away and RUN! I'm so convinced that if I want something, I have to do it myself. No asking for help. No admitting to needing someone else. No looking weak or needy. Try to PROVE my worth and ability and maturity. Try to be above reproach. Try to avoid FAILURE. It's exhausting...

2

Oh do I hear you my dear!!!!!!

I am soooooo tired on the inside there are days I do not know how I function.

It is funny how you say you want prince charming to come and rescue you. That is exactly what I wanted too. I pushed many guys away when I was deep into my ED. Now I have my wonderful husband who is my prince charming and he is getting very frustrated that I cannot lean on him for support. I feel the need to do everything myself. I need to recover myself, I need to cry by myself, I need to be angry by myself, I need to "destress" by myself. He is sick and tired of my constant "I am fine" answers.

I am sooo proud of the fact that you are working at "cleaning" up after yourself. It is such a wonderful thing to hear. The stress and anxiety of the financial strain will be hard to manage I won't lie,BUT, you can do it. YOU MUST. Your life is worth it!!!

As I read your post I was smiling. I am so happy to hear of your new lease on life. You are inspiring me to do the same. I felt a real connection with you right from the beginning. I can relate to so much of your struggles. If I could send you energy or any other tangible help through this link I would in a heartbeat. My prayers will definitely be for you.

I have two more days till summer holidays. Then I am hoping to do much of the same that you are. I am very, very fortunate that my therapy is covered and so do not have to deal with that added stress. Keep up the good work and know that I care and wish the best for you.

You are awesome! Love ya
Shana

3

Hey Jen: I got tired just reading your post! You have done a tremendous amount of work and are definitely getting your life back in order. Serious depression can be so debilitating and almost makes one immobilized. I have seen this happen with several of my family members. So congratulations to you
The debt, well it will get paid up eventually. And if you are really worried about it, sometimes organizations will work with you on extended payment plans. My dentist did that for me several years ago, without charging interest.
Just ask and see what you can get

One word of caution : I want you to find Prince Charming very much! And you will! But don't ever depend on a man for financial support. Might just be a pet peeve of mine, but I just think that can be a real landmine in some relationships I have seen. And you may not even have meant it that way so I apologize if I am out of line.

You just need to write that bestseller and get it published and then you will be rich,,,,

Love you!!!

4

Jen....you are such a warrior, and you are winning your war, battle by battle. I agree with Molly...the debt will get paid. The help you are getting now is crucial for your future. It won't last forever, and remember too, once you submit things to your insurance, you should be getting some money back! Regardless of that though, please don't discount the benefits of the hard work you have done and continue to do. And you have NO idea of the great rewards ahead of you! Your 'Prince Charming' is out there. It will happen as you begin to share yourself in more ways with more people. And when it does, you will be ready to receive all that a healthy relationship has to offer!
There is a happy medium between letting things go due to your depression, and trying to make our life perfect in every area. Take a deep breath, and please know that the worst is behind you...it really is!!
Two weeks!! I will be in Houston in two weeks...woohoo!!
HUGS...Jan ♥

5

Thank you, dear friends... ♥

When it rains, it pours, eh? I'm mourning the passing of my 16 year-old cat, Casper today... May he rest in peace...

Love you all,

Jen

6

Jen,
I am so sorry. I know how hard it is to lose a pet, but I haven't been in your exact situation. I know you memories of Casper will be with you for the rest of your life. Hug your other two 'babies'....I'm sure they are mourning also.
Love you friend! xoxo

7

Jen: You have my deepest sympathy in the loss of your cat. 16 years is a long time to have a pet and I know you must have been devastated by this. Praying for you Jen!!!!

8

Jen, I'm not really sure what I can say that will be of comfort right now. You're dealing with kind of a full plate (no pun intended) of issues, and I can only imagine how you are feeling right now. It's important that you don't blame yourself for the choices you made or didn't make when at the time that's all you could do-- instead focus on what needs to be done to get to the place you want to be. Long sentence, multiple thoughts, hope that made sense.

Please know I'm thinking of you and sending positive energy your way.

--h

9

Thanks... ♥

For a lot of years I lived alone with just Casper... So, he was truly my only family and support system for a long time... Silly, perhaps, but that's how it was... He's been suffering for many, many years. 7 years ago I almost lost him when IBS hit him. It got to the point where I spent my nights with him on the bathroom floor because he'd thrown up all food and only had blood left... Biopsies. Endoscopy. Ultrasounds. Tests, tests, tests. Pills. New pills. New combinations of pills. Special prescription food. No treats. Pills twice a day, every day for the last 7 years. Shots every other week. Surgeries... His intestinal problems apparently morphed into cancer. I had to let him go. It was peaceful and quiet. I was with him the whole time. His veins were too fragile for the shot to work. After trying three different legs, my vet had to go straight into his heart. I was only glad he was numb to all of that... After seeing my own heart on an ultrasound the day before, this took on new meaning to me...

Lots of tears, but I know from experience that this pain will ease in time... He's not the first pet I've lost. But he's the first I've ever had to put to sleep. And the first that was purely my baby for 13 of his 16 years... ♥

One day at a time... ♥

Love you all,

Jen

10

im sooooo sorry for the loss of your cat, i know how they are and how special they are--like a family member. i lost my cat also, to cancer when i was 20, had her for 14 ears --got her when i was about 7 or so...it was so heartbreaking and i miss her to this day. not other cat came close to her. i wanted a cat soooo bad right now, so bad, it would be a dream come true for me, it would take the focus of me and care for something else. but i know we cant have one here....so i can still dream....i would adore one, but cant have one....

im so sorry. all i can say is look to brighter days , which you have been doing...

keep us informed on your heart and tell us how that is...

i myself, have a colonoscpy/endoscopy this friday(AAAAAAAHHHHHH) but am kinda grateful for it casue im in too much pain with my stomach. i just hope i can get it treated...
you are making wonderful progress and can relate to getting the chores done...

love
maureen

11

Maureen,
Thinking of you…and I hope the tests will help your doctor to know how to help you feel better. Take care…Jan

12

I don't even care if this sounds crazy or pathetic... I just have to get it out.

I went to ACA tonight. The topic was family traditions, and the question was what family traditions have WE carried on. A man spoke about his family tradition of the fear of abandonment, and how he has carried that on in his life.

Ouch... That hit me soooo hard! I think so much of my life has been constructed around that very fear. And it IS a family tradition. My parents started dating in high school, and despite many rocky times, they stayed together. I think that was more out of fear to be alone than out of love. My sister, as I've said before, calls herself a serial monogomist because she can't stand to be alone. Me? I am so terrified of being abandoned that I keep everyone away, somehow feeling safer in the absence of people than in risking getting close and being hurt. My life has been spent alone. Independent. I've done everything for myself. My sole companion through ALL of it has been my cat, Casper. He was, for most of my adult life, the only being that I knew loved me unconditionally. That needed me. Wanted me. Would never leave me. And I have bent over backwards, shedding tears and shoveling out thousands of dollars to keep him. To hold onto him. Until yesterday, when I had to let him go. I've known it was coming. I've been preparing myself. But I don't think I even knew how deep that pain would be.

I sobbed all the way home from ACA, only to collapse in a heap in my entry way. I have lost my best friend. And I feel more utterly alone right now than I ever have before. I know that in reality I am less alone. I have good friends here. ♥ And two more furry angels to keep me company. But Casper's death has left a hole... A gasping chasm that feels bottomless. It hurts. My heart hurts.

All this protection... All this distance and safety and separateness... It didn't really keep me safe afterall. I am still suffering the loss of my friend... Perhaps it is an important lesson that I really needed to learn... Perhaps I needed to feel this pain to realize I have not, in fact, rendered myself immune to heartache. Perhaps I will learn to open myself up to the possibility of a real relationship with an actual living, breathing, TALKING HUMAN BEING... Maybe this was meant to be... Fine... I accept what I cannot change... God grant me the courage to change what I can... ♥

With great love,

Jen

13

Jen,
I am so sorry you are hurting so deeply. It makes sense to me. I'm so sorry that you have lost Casper, but I hope you will turn and begin to allow and embrace the many people in your life who do want to be close to you in a real way. It will take time. I hope you discuss this with your therapist. This issue was a big one for me also, and facing it and developing my life in this area made the biggest positive impact on my recovery of anything.
Thinking of you today....HUGS...Jan ♥

14

HI Jen: I feel so badly for you. And what you said reminds me so much of the post I wrote recently, where I said I had been hurt so badly that I just built my life around avoiding that pain at all costs. It takes a TON of courage to stick your neck out again and risk the pain. But I guess we all have to take that risk if we want to find true love.
BREATHE my friend and carry on. You are loved by so many of us here.

15

Thank you for all your support, dear friends. ♥ The RAW pain is easing... The edge has been blunted... I'm doing a good job of actually feeling this, and not shutting my emotions off... Not pretty, but very healthy. ;0)

Back to work around the house... :) Need to prepare for some rough weather... Alex is approaching. Probably just get some outer bands here tomorrow, but LOTS of rain is expected every day this week. Should take advantage of the clear skies right now. ;0)

Love to you all! ♥

Jen

16

Jen,

I am sooo sorry that you had to put Casper down. I had to put down my dog Muffy after having her for 13 years. There is nothing that is going to fill that void. It feels ginormous right now but it will shrink in time. I am glad you are "feeling" it all though. Trying to stuff or avoid the feelings would be detremental to all you have accomplished.
Take Deep breaths and allow yourself to feel whatever you feel. As my therapist always tells me of my "unwanted" feelings - this too shall pass. Grieving is a natural, normal process that allows us to move on. Let it happen. You will pervail and you will be a stronger person because of it.

My thoughts and prayers are with you my friend.
Love you xox
Shana

17

Dang girl!!!! LOOK AT YOU GO!!! I know how it feels to sink into depression and let life slip by... but look at your reclaiming your life bit by bit!!! I agree with Molly, I am tired just from reading all you are doing!!! YOU GO GIRL!!!

Use your summer to reclaim you!! Figure out your debt and budget... you will feel more in control then you ever though you could feel!

you are awesome! Keep going... it's GOTTA be worth it!