Thank God

Well, he says he hasn't stopped loving me. Which is more than I could ask for at this point. Even if he thinks (correctly) that everything is my fault. God, I hope we can make it through this.
I would never leave him. Even though this is and will be tearing him apart. It took me years to find him and regardless of the issues we've had, he is the love of my life. I hear you really only get one of those. Sure, I'm young, but I never saw a future as bright as this with anyone else. We had planned on eventually starting a family.
Considering the mistakes I've made, I wouldn't blame him if he did stop loving me or decided to break up with me because of what I've put him through. The most important thing is that he has a good life. And if the only way that would happen is for him to leave me, I don't think he'd have much of a choice. Neither would I.
I know what mine would be like without him. I doubt I'd last very long. The only thing keeping me from ending my life at this point is the threat of him killing himself (which he's already pretty close to) and what it would do to my mother to lose her child mere months after losing her husband.
A friend of mine called me earlier to ask what was going on and if I was ok. It meant a lot that someone actually called me. Especially considering it's a friend that I haven't been the best to since high school -- I never see her and it's not because of her lack of trying.
A part of me is glad this week is basically over, even if this weekend won't seem like a weekend without my boyfriend. And my birthday weekend won't either if he isn't able to come here (I doubt I'd really be too welcome there and he may just not want to see me yet).
So yet again, I'll dry my eyes and hope tomorrow is a better day.

So far today IS a better day. He finally opened up and talked to me. Poor guy is just a ball of depression and hasn't wanted to talk to anyone at all. I am glad that he doesn't absolutely hate me, that's for sure. Nor has he stopped loving me. Apparently he'll never stop loving me. Thank God again. I just hope he can handle all of this and we can make it through. Now that I know this, I can try to be strong for him. I've gotten through massive hurdles before. Huge ones. This too can be handled.