I just finished blogging/writing about some of the “difficulties” & “troubles” I felt as though my father put us through without taking any recognition, remorse, or responsibilties. Much of my fathers can I say, abnormalities & his non-physical abusive behaviors/ways mainly due to his early excessive drinking days &/or his mistreated/untreated bipolar/manic depressive illness occurred in spurts. In-between these ”spurts” my father can have one of the greatest sense of humors, he’s highly intelligent, & very giving when his head in not high in the sky or stuck in the dark clouds. My father when in the state of, “balance” never brought harm to anybody & would fairly judge others without much bias. Despite my feelings that my father was neglectful & uncaring to my two older siblings; with me father acted quite the contrary. My father was always there for me, supportive, & most times took me with him. In fact, my father would drive me anywhere I wanted to go at any time & would drive me to or by a lace as many times I wanted to go never asking any questions. Upon graduating from high school my father brought me a brand new pick-up truck. Being physically disabled\Cerebral Palsy I could never drive, though I always desired to have small to mid-sized pick-up truck. I didn’t need my pick-up truck to be fancy or have anything done to it when we/my father brought the pick-up truck. Although, I probably would have put a bed-liner in the pick-up truck, except bed-liners didn’t really exist at that time. I did have one request (or demand) when my parents agreed to buy a pick-up truck which was it had to be a manual transmission (5-speed). Why? Although I always been unable to drive, I could shift the gears very well; of course my father handled the clutch. Plus, as far back as I can recall I always had a fascination with cars/trucks that were stick-shift. I always told myself & others that if I wasn’t physically handicapped & actually could drive I would NEVER own a vehicle that had an automatic transmission. Call me weird because most people want an automatic vehicle, but my father had no objections. The only down side with this pick-up truck was that at the time mother (who would also drive me around a lot) was too scared & had no interest in learning how to drive stick-shift. My mother started driving in a manual transmission car which was on the column vs. the floor & was many-many moons ago. Besides this pick-up truck being a manual transmission it wasn’t really power-steering, but was, “power-assisted,” which also deterred my mother from wanting to drive this pick-up truck. Years later I had talked my mother into buying a few cars that were stick-shift; between my father & I we taught (or refreshed) my mother on how to drive stick-shift & she enjoyed it for a couple of years. Eventually my mother went back to automatic & my father completely stopped driving when he was in his early 60’s – he never said why.
Getting back telling you about the better half of my father; he always took good personal care of me & brought me home after living in a nursing facility for nearly 2-years. It was all my idea to try out this one nursing facility specifically oriented for adults with varies physical disabilities. I loved being at this nursing facility during my first year, however due to the poor economy changes were being made & I couldn’t deal with most of the caregivers/nurses always complaining, being disgruntled, & not taking/wanting to understand how the administration was getting cutbacks. I might be sounding petty here, but I just couldn’t understand nor stand how abled-bodied complained so much about their jobs & their jobs were to take care of physically disabled people; many who can’t even lift up their arm to scratch their nose. I knew that coming back home was not going to me a picnic between my parents on & off separation & my father’s bipolar/manic depressive behaviors, but I was really desperate & was started to become unglued at this nursing facility. At the nursing facility I was even talking to a psychologist weekly who just kept telling me that we can’t change others, only ourselves. Yes, the psychologist agreed that the caregivers/nurses are being paid to take “care” of the residence, but unfortunately The Administration has no control nor can dictate how these caregivers/nurses ought to “feel” & “think.” Unless there are signs of abuse (& evidently complaining about your job around the resident isn’t abuse, I know) there wasn’t anything done. I never once voiced this to any of the caregivers/nurses other than the psychologist & my unit head nurse who left one month prior to me. I’m not stupid, I’m sure that my feelings leaked out; especially after I left. And it seemed that none of the 280-residents was bothered by many of the caregivers/nurses negative/poor attitudes. So it was like I was all alone sitting in this dingy looking up at the Titanic.
While I was living at this nursing facility my parents were separate (Dad being out of the house) my mother agreed to take my father back who was going to be my primary caregiver along with my brother as back up. Well, for the first 5 to 6- months everything went along great; my father was pleasant, didn’t complain nor was sarcastic at first. Although we ALL expected, but didn’t want to admit that it would happen, little by little my father started getting manic/angry over little stupid/BS stuff. Being a master at passive-aggressive we ALL started seeing the same old signs of my father’s negativity & sarcasms (anger) starting to seep out. My father’s anger is quite tamed compared to his early years, but it’s still there & neither my mother nor I can deal with his passive-aggressiveness. However, my father always has/had my older brother who he often corner & dumps/unloads on ever since my brother was small. For reasons that I won’t get into my bother has always taken the brunt of my father’s angry/frustrations via just beating my brother’s ears & him being a sounding-board for my father. Unlike me, I’ll give my father a few minutes & then depending on my mood often times I tell my father to put a lid on I (putting it mildly). There are times when my father doesn’t get the message starts being smart & bad mouthing my mother always behind her back & that’s what sets me off.
The last good quality in my father (& there’s 2-ways at looking at this) my father never keeps for himself & always gave whatever he earned directly to my mother. My father always brags about this to us kids & to others. Nonetheless, my father always leaves out the following facts:
1. Although my father hands over his money to my mother who also bears ALL of the responsibilities in making sure ALL of the house bills which isn’t a problem. Except my father refuses to acknowledge & mention how every year at least 2 or 3 times a year my father would go into a depression (?), missing lots of time from work & not getting a paycheck. No, my father always blocks that out, but I remember growing up.
2. My father didn’t always have good paying jobs; when my parents first married my father had a few good jobs with some big chemical companies, but either the merged & relocated or closed up. After that I don’t think that my father really cared about making good money other than his last job my father held where he made decent money. However because my father kept losing lots of time at work he was forced into taking an early retirement in which he’s getting hardly much for a pension.
In closing, I know how I had set out to only tell the good side & things regarding my father, but I wasn’t completely successful in achieving my objective, was I. May it be an excuse, it was hard for me having a father who is not always dependable, unpredictable, & refuses in taking any responsibility in his past/present actions & his mental illness