i have experienced far too many painful touchstones lately- incidents that have simply SCREAMED at me that if there is ANY way to DO something different, then NOW IS THE TIME. however, my very primal animal instinct somehow continues to NEEEEED some sort of postive reinforcement. keeping my *eye on the prize* is difficult when the journey getting there is so painful and lacking in ANY type of positive reward. i've lost my ability to appropriate my *fight or flight* compass.
the backlash of following through with a mp is anything but encouraging. i'm not only experiencing the pleasure [complete and total sarcasm] of physical and emotional discomfort [euphemism used instead of saying i feel like HELL], i am also plagued by my intellect being UNABLE to make sense of WHICH direction makes sense. i mean, even a preschooler would know that eating keeps a person functioning and alive. but so very much of me has the most difficult time understanding that and putting any of it into practice.
not only have i become a swollen wreck in the mornings, i am irritable and in a constant state of confusion. i can not wrap my brain around:
why this is so difficult.
how i can survive on so little.
how consuming more seems somehow dehumanizing.
how consuming more does not seem possible.
how consuming LESS also seems somehow dehumanizing.
that it just does not make SENSE to me to walk TOWARD pain.
why food hurts me instead of nourishes me.
i broke down last night. good gawd, i HATE when **** like that happens because my defenses drop and i begin to blurt. yep, things i guard like hell just seem to FALL out of my ****ing mouth. my word vomit last night consisted of admitting the possibility of my true inabilities. my word vomit purged how awful i feel following the mp. my word vomit blurted out how disorienting being nourished feels, how emotionally and physically painful it feels, and how much fear i have been experiencing. way to go, amy... nothing like drawing attention to exactly what i want people NOT to see. **** me.
so... this morning, i am not only a swollen wreck, i am the zombie troll from hell. where does all this puffiness come from? i have yet to see the therapeutic and/or physical benefits from eating what feels like too much. i'm cursed. i'm a zombie troll with the worst case of word vomit EVER! there is NO relief in that type of purge... only shame and the creation of further distance between me and those who are trying to support me. just more OBVIOUS reasons as to how DIFFERENT i am from most other folks.
i know i will fall and fall and fall.... and get up again and again and again. i see it here with each of you- yet i have no patience or tolerance for it in my own life. if i said it once last night, i said it 100x: I HATE THIS PROCESS. i am so ****ing sick of myself, i can't stand it.
deep breath. the zombie troll is here to commit once again to following a mp today. yesterday was not my greatest achievement- but neither was it my worst. today i will spread out my caloric intake throughout the day- and try for a higher total than yesterday. everything in me that seeks emptiness when my emotions are heightened is in FULL SWING TODAY. going against this seems impossible. but the zombie troll is commiting to try...
forgive my incessant bitching. uuuugh. i am explosively confused... and regret my word vomit of last night. thank you for the safety of this wailing wall and for the opportunity to have my confusion explode.
namaste from the zombie troll
amy xo
ps: thank you jan and maedi for your kind responses to my last post.