The Exes

Why do they resurface? What do they want and what are they trying to accomplish? When a relationship is over, what are people's thoughts on maintaining a friendship with an ex? I've always tried staying very friendly and it seems to always bite me in the butt...

My friend's mother told me a long time ago, "When a woman is done, she is done. If a man truly loves a woman, he will hold on to a piece of her forever"

Does anyone agree with this? Because when I am done I am done. It seems recently, all my ex's have come back to haunt me. Maybe timing is just weird right now. Let me know your thoughts.

xo, July

I believe that its nearly impossible to be friends with an ex. it just does'nt work. Too many feelings still there on either side, jealousy of who they are dating.
Its just messy! I don't think its a good idea.

Hey,
Ya i think when you're done you're done. Maybe if you have mutual friends be amicable when you see them out. But do not let them pull that - hey I don't want to be with you, but I want to keep messing with your head, so you'll keep fancying me stunt...it's bull and he only needs an ego boost.

And if he's an ex that want to get back with you and you aren't interested cut the strings, it's cruel to hold on to him, you may feel guilty at first but in the long run he will get over you faster.

I think a good healthy break-up, wish them all the best. And say goodbye. Whether or not you want to leave the facebook door open is up to yourself, I find it too difficult, but I think everyone to their own in that regard.

Hope this helps...it's weird the more I go along life, the more right I realise my mam really is.

Love to you
MG x

good advice, appreciate the help. Cutting ties is for the best, guess I’m being selfish in a sense also…

xo, July

when i broke it off with married guy i deleted him from facebook. its too hard to see them and all their comments.
I even went as far as deleting his brother and his mother.

Everything he gave me even i threw away. I did'nt want any reminders laying around taunting me. Its worked so far so we shall see :)

Ya I think delete from facebook is best. You don't need any reminders. When i go on my page,I go there to comment on my really close friends pages, I don't have masses of friends on f/bk just people i would go pretty well.

And I know that seeing comments by him, would bring me down, I don't want to know. I just want him out of my life. i actually saw a comment left by him under another friends photo that came up under my newsfeed. I was just like ick ick ick...you sorry sod...you'll never ever come near me or communicate with me ever again...as far as that lad is concerned, anything that is says to me is falling on deaf ears....obviously a tiny tiny bit of anger still there :)

Oh hun, you did right, any comments that would come through to his brother and mum would be hard too. And it's so important you do right by yourself.

I know the actual act of doing it can be abit weird, just hitting the button, but 5 mins after it's so freeing.

Stay positive hun, you're doing great. Think of you and only you.

Love to you
MG x

thanks MG!

i like going on facebook knowing i won't see anything i don't want to see :)

out of sight, out of mind :)

I certainly deleted the ex from facebook and a few months later he requested me again. It’s a dumb game I’m not interested in playing.

July, your correct, stay with that thought & DO NOT let anyone try & get you into a spin over it, your doing what is good/best for your emotional well being & keep doing it!!!!! ATTA girl.

April

p.s. I'm on FB, I dont get on it that much but maybe we should all group????? =D

Yeah, I really need to get over the guilt of being mean. I should be fine with cutting people out of my life. We broke up for a reason and I should remember that. None of my exes are that great of friends to me, so what am I holding onto exactly?

xo, July

that's how i feel too. what's so great about these people that we don't want to let go?

When you sit down and think about it, they really are'nt.

We build them up in our minds i think.

yes that, and there’s a familiarity factor that I find hard to let go of right away. When you spend so much time with someone, they become a part of your routine and it’s hard to adjust right away. I find it hard to stay angry with people so I always end up being friendly and I suppose that’s why I’m in this predicament. One ex is trying to weasle his way back into my life making excuse after excuse to communicate with me. I need to just cut him off and ignore him. Nothing good is coming out of it, plus I really like someone at the moment.

xo, July

well then you certainly don't need your ex hanging around! he had his chance :)

You asked an excellant question July "What am I holding on to exactly"? The answer to that lies within you, past history, the way one is raised, genetic links play a role sometimes, there are NO quick answers or fix, it all takes time, sometimes years to sort through, at least you began to question it so that you will not repeat past behavior in another relationship, good for you.

April

Thanks April. Been doing a lot of thinking lately. Old habits are hard to break but I’ve realized what I was doing wasn’t working and now need to really think things through before I react. I’m currently in a situation that I’m trying to be very patient, but it’s hard. My usual self wants to handle this in a certain way, yet I’m trying my hardest to be as mature as possible in order to avoid regret later. I wish there was a handbook on how to deal with things like this…

xo, July

I have this problem all the time too! I am friends with most of my Ex's, and it can be really challenging to say the least! It can also get pretty annoying when they all start popping back into your life out of no where, and you don't really know why.
I still have some that I talk to more often then others, but for the rest, I try to just keep it corgial now, because I certainly don't need the Drama!

I have been "man free" for almost 5yrs now, and I never thought it was even possible! It is mainly due to me being so sick all the time, but I also don't want to deal with the drama that comes with dating, relationships, etc. right now. I also realized I had to get to know myself first (or again), because somewhere along the line, I lost that person and cared to much what they thought.

It is pretty lonely I admit that, but it can also be very healing, helpful and enpowering. I just don't want to go back to the same mistakes I made in the past. When the time is right, I'll know it. I am learning to trust my intincts better now! One of my Ex's just connected with me again and he said he wanted to be my friend and support me through this tough time I am going through with my illnesses and all that. I told him there was no chance of us getting back together and as long as he knew that, I would give it a try. (After he kept hounding me all the time....)

I realized I was slipping right back into the past. Before long, he was back to his old ways and sneaks in a few inappropriate comments here and there. I dismissed them at first, but now I am dissmissing him! There was a reason it didn't work in the first place.

My phylisophy (as far as remaining friends goes) is, that if you cant play by my rules and guidelines, you cant play at all! Most of the time there is only on thing they are after!

Good for you in deleting him, but be warned, i'm sure he'll be back. They always do... I think they especially like the challenge, but once they get you where they want you, boom! your right back where you started! Good Luck!!!

I think it’s really important we remind ourselves of the reasons we broke up and not look back, not even a glance.

Are you ok? What is your illness? I’m glad to hear such an empowering attitude coming from you. It’s definitely helping me feel like cutting them off is the right thing. I’m soft and I give in too easily. But you’re right, I need to do ‘me’ first. I don’t always have a bf, but I can’t say I’m ever really ‘man free’. Maybe I should try that. I don’t think I’m afraid of being lonely, I truly believe I just have so much love and affection to give, lol.

Please let me know how you’re doing.
xo, July

the reason i dont want to be friends... they know u in a relationship. with them. so their view of u is not like others. u always "know" more people than u will have partners. its not so much as personal, u r altered because u were sharing ur life with them. they will never see u as someone they "know". i dont like them talking about me by the way they knew me to others. its not a fair perspective. and i too will always see them as i know them. and we all react according to the person we r connecting too. no circumstance is the same. everything about u is heightened in a relationship. more intense. to me it just really isnt fair for others to hear about u or watch u 2 react to eachother. can make u look like a hypocrite, becuz of the sacrifices u made for that one person, make others jealous, and watching u 2 gives wonder and doubt about ur current "friend" status. when u break off any other relationship, u dont go back right? this is so personal, anything can happen in the future. i know i dont like worrying and wondering about my boyfriends exs. how come all are gone except one? hmmm? i thought it was over, so wtf? a convienient cover-up for an affair? "friendship"? i certainly dont like anyone i know or am with to wonder about me either, so ties are cut. u cant have a relationship with another if u r affected by the ex. out with the old, in with the new, just like everything else.

Hey flower,
Although everything you’ve said has always crossed my mind, it’s never really registered until literally right now. Unless I’m hopeful of reconciliation (which I’m not) what is the point??? They are in my past, and they should stay there. I really appreciate your feedback, it really hit me. Thanks!

xo, July

I totally understand what you're saying. I have a really hard time with cutting all ties and not remaining friends myself. Even though I am ok with it, and resolved or deal with my feelings to not be mean or hurtful and remain close or at least good friends. I can't help it either! Like you said, you get so close, its hard to just become like strangers.

I don't think you should change being a giver either, I just think we have to realize that other people don't always feel the same way we do. They may not be able to cope as well or whatever...

I think the world would be a much better place if more of us were givers instead of takers and unselfish as opposed to selfish! Wishful thinking probably.

It is easier said then done though. I know my friends both male and female tell me all the time I am too nice and too forgiving, etc. At first I thought I was the problem and I should change, then a good friend, who happened to be an ex too, told me not to change. To be myself, who ever that really is, and I will eventually find the right person who will appreciate me for me. I think thats the best advice I ever got.

Then when I tried to think who am I really? I could not come up with all the answers I was searching for, hence, the "me" time. I'm still working on it even now, but I know if I were to start to date again, things would be a lot different for me this time around. I got to know myself better, and I am still coming to terms that everyone is not like me and not to expect others to react the same way to things that I do. It is still very hard, but I'm getting there.

So be exactly who you want to be, just know that we are not all built the same on the inside. I try to be upfront about my "true" feelings now, and it seems to be working better for me at least.

Hope you experience the same if you take that time to discover who you really are or just know it already and not expect others to feel the same way in return. This talk was theraputic for me too, and helped me answer some of my own questions I've been asking myself. Thanks!