The kitchen of hell

I just had to walk into the kitchen today and open the fridge. I told myself yesterday today i wasnt going to eat anything because i didnt want gain any weight or i was going to look like a freak to this guy im meeting Saturday. Oh well now i guess! I was going to just get some juice at 1st because my sugar was low but when i saw all the demons in the fridge it's almost like they over took my mind because before i could say no i was eating that gross fattening hell, my hell!! Then once i started i couldnt stop. Once i was done i new i was going to feel guilty all day so ive spent the entire day trying to work off what ive eatin. I need help i don't want to keep living like this, where food is my hell, i want to be happy again and think of more than jus food!!!

Yes, I can relate going to the kitchen or going thru it, and thinking I will only eat this one thing, or nothing at all, and I wind up eating everything. That has been the story of my life of the past 6 months. And then of course I wind up feeling like hell because I look like hell. For me, i was always taught to plan your meals, journal, but most of all, get a hobby, something else to do besides eating. Some people also think it is better not to talk about it, and just do whatever it is that you are avoiding. Bingeing does not make it any easier, it just makes things a lot worse. So plan out your day and meals, and just say, do it Eating to avoid doing things or issues does not solve anything. Trust me, I know. And it is great that you want to not binge so yo look good for guy right now because that can be used as motivation to break the cycle and not binge. I used to lost and gain weight just because it was something to do when I was younger. Perhaps it was my way of being defiant, perhaps. And I couldn't not restrict or lost weight everytime I got out the EDU. It was like habit. A few times I got better, and that was for myself. Food is a clutch. It is a way to avoid thinking about real life, but it goes on. Ultimately, you need to decide to be well for yourself. People change, grow old, move away, die. At the end of the day, you will still be standing, and do you really want to have wasted away the glorious day? After all, as they say, "how we spend our days is of course how we spend our lives."

Hey Lucy,
Please don't be so hard on yourself. I know you are suffering for I have been there and am there often. Are you getting professional help for this sweetheart?

I started back in Sept and so many things have improved since, I really am getting to the route of why I do it, my therapist is absolutely fantastic and caring.

I think it would be of great benefit to you to start a journal for yourself and try to recognise the emotions behind the eating. Like today how did you feel, were you thinking about this date on friday? Was it nerves that got to you? Or was it something deeper, maybe a subconscious idea that the date may not go well? I am only throwing those questions out there.

Sweetie doing what we do is a method of self sabatoge, and in essence we are saying we don't deserve to be happy. So there is a lot that needs to be worked on hun and you can absolutely do it.

But hun you have to let go of the guilt, the hurt, the shame, the anger, the pain and everything that comes along with binging...because sweetie it is very complex. so just for today try to start believing in yourself right now, just as you are.

Love to you hun
Moongal x

So true. It is definitely self sabotage. I know no one likes a fat girl, especially me, considering I once starved myself to be thin, now I stuff my face til I am sick and then some, yet I do it anyway. I definitely feel I do not deserve to be happy. So sad I am still feeling this way, but true. Happiness is hard to do.

Well we all recognize it to be self sabatoge we still do it anyway, I wonder why?

It is just like an habit or addiction, very hard to break. We think we can never be truly happy. And for some reason that we may or may not know, we think we are unworthy of that happiness.

Sweetie,
It is so complex. For me it is about keeping emotions down, but when that urge comes in to binge it seems to happen so fast it is really hard to control or to even think. I know what I have to do as in figure out the emotion and get it out, but easier said than done right?:)

And yes I am one also terrible for feeling not worthy. Where these feelings are coming from I am still unsure but it is definitely how I feel.

Please don't beat yourselves up about this it only adds to the negative emotions...love to ye.
Moongal x

You may have desribed me to a T right there MG

Hey Lilac,
I am so sorry cos I know how hard it is to feel that way about yourself and that some days are easier than others but the hard days, boy are they hard.

Baby steps hun, we can support each other all the way, cos we understand how hard it can get.

And sweetie I believe in you, and I believe you are worthy of love and caring and peace in your heart, body and soul but you have to start believing that for yourself and tell yourself that everyday.

Love to you
Moongal x

MG, your responses always lift my spirits, thank you <

Lilac,
That means so much but it's true, I understand what you are going through and I know if we keep pushing back at this we can break it down.

Love to you hun
Moongal x

But what if your first responseis to go right to kitchen? You come home and go right there, people leave and you go right there bc that is the natural habit you have created whether you are hungry or not, stressed or not, now that is what you do. That is what I am doing. And it is all or nthing. I can rationalise, oh I am hungry, I need dinner or whatever,but then I will end up eating more and more and more till I am sick as a dog and my tummy protudes. And then it is like, what the hell, it is supposed to be a coping skill which should help you, but in the end it does now, it wastes money, time, and in the end makes you feel ill, and you don't want to do anything, so it is not fun, and all you have to show for it are empty containers, cups, full garbage can, and bloated tummy. And if I am around people, and I get anxious for whatever reason and I am eating or drinking something, I focus on the food or drink more, and eat or drink faster. But I do very well when I am around people I am comfortable with, doing stuff, having fun, being productive, relaxing, and when I feel I look okay, and things are going well, I am saying and doing the right things. Like I have said before, the past few days I did ok because I was with my boyfriend. and even though things did not go the way they should and I messed up because I tend to put my foot in my mouth as well as a ton of food, I did not binge. And well I could not because I was with him for 2 and half days. But it still bothered me because I did not do much activity except take a walk, and today none at all because we went to bed at 2 and woke up at noon, and then I ended up binged at home. :( I really want to say lock the fridge and cabinets or something, because I can't stay out of the house. I need to do stuff. But like with eating, I always say it's too late. So I never ask, and that's why I continue to eat and eat after I only binge on a few things. It is like I already binged on twelve hundred cal, why not some more. I really need a phone buddy. Would anyone be willing to do that? So we can motivate each other. Someone to call in case they feel like bingeing, or to call someone at a trigger time so they don't binge. I think that would be really useful. Because bingeing has become such a habit for me, I don't usually think of doing something else besides it until after the fact. And if someone calls before I feel the need to, and starts breaking the cycle, and whom I can help as well, then I think that would be great. Or even just calling each other in am and pm. It is like I know what needs to be done, and i don't want to be fat, but i just can't do it. Everything is easier said than done. And everything is always better with a friend. So does anyone want to do this?I believe it would be very useful, and worth a try:)