The last couple of days have been good for me. They haven’

The last couple of days have been good for me. They haven’t been the most pleasant days of my life, but I’m very pleased with the things that I have done. I have been worried about the target of my codependence. Regardless of how I feel about her otherwise, I still care about her and get worried when things aren’t going to so great. My therapist says that this is the good kind of feeling and caring that’s perfectly okay. Perfectly acceptable. I just can’t express my concerns to her, because that would just lead her to saying something to me. And that lead to me saying something to her. And then I would be all tangled up inside and feeling way too many things. So, I expressed my best wishes to her on Thursday and just left it at that. Healthy boundaries.

I have been reading Peter Block’s book “Community: The Structure of Belonging”, again and that always makes me feel really good inside. I have a lot of useful skills for networking and community building. I don’t get to use a lot of those skills right now, but I can make plans. I can share those plans. I can exercise my healthy boundaries through listening to another person (she doesn’t activate my codependence or fears of abandonment) complain endlessly about not being able to do this, that, or much of anything at all. And I’m perfectly fine with that. The most powerful part of my personality is the desire to first of all help others and secondly to support them as they try to succeed. However, I no longer operate on the assumption that other people want my help, even if they keep on complaining. That’s the faulty assumption that lead to my current problems. There are people in the world who will complain endlessly, and then simply continue on living without making any effort to change themselves. Even, if I point out some rather simply and relatively easy ways of effecting change; Of taking a step outside of the comfort zone and doing something. And I’m perfectly okay with that as far as this person is concerned. And it feels amazing. Wonderful. The peace. The quiet inside my head is astonishing. She doesn’t really want my help, so I have no desire to really give it to her.

Now, if I can simply shift this thought pattern to the target of my codependence and achieve the same kind of tranquility. Perfection. Absolute perfection.

Other than that I have been having a great time. Saw the new Star Wars movie. Enjoyed it all by myself in a theater full of strangers. An emotional experience in a space filled with strangers that I don’t care about. Wonderful.

I enjoy playing a lot of euro-style strategy board games, and occasionally my wife decides to venture into the hobby. I thoroughly trounced her today in one of my favorite medium-weight strategy games, and I didn’t feel bad about it; Even though I could feel her discontent radiating across the gaming table. I didn’t apologize. I simply crushed her with a superior strategy, even though she was rather glum about it afterwards.

When you are young, you depend on your parents for survival, now normally when you become an adult you get a sense of self responsibility and start depending on yourself for survival.

However, the borderline between being dependent, and maturing into becoming self sufficient, isn't all that clear. This brings a big risk of co-dependency with it.

The risk forms that when you grow up, you start depending (wrongfully) on other people to live your life for you. Which can manifest itself either physically or mentally. What co-dependent people therefore essentially fail to understand. Is TO HAVE A LIFE OF THEIR OWN.

They need to learn to understand, that they themselves are the supporting pillar of their own lives. That they are responsible for their own lives. Or and i quote from the book the total money makeover from daves ramsey " How can i put this delicately? There is no shining knight headed your way on a white horse to save the day. Wake up! No one is going to take care of your life, that's YOUR job!

And this is the big problem. A partner or important person in your life, can pack their bags and leave any day. Whether they leave you, or die and disappear, what will happen if they go?

When that happens, you better make sure you have a life of your own to fall back on. You often hear the phrase "get a life", and it's definitely true for the co-dependent person.

The thing is, we sometimes wrongly perceive people or things as permanent, someone or something you can depend on indefinitely. In reality it's a type of false security, people leave, or people die, or they meet someone else who they rather stay with. And when that happens, you ask yourself, what about me? The harsh reality is, that you need to secure your own life, independent from others.

You have to realize, other people are just visitors in your life, who come and go. Some stay longer, some stay shorter, but in the end they all go. And this is why it's wrong to be co-dependent, because you cannot rely on other people to the extend that you give your life away to them. You'd only end up becoming an emotional soccer ball for others to play with. You need to bring the power and responsibility of your life back where it belongs. Namely in YOUR own hands! What you put in life is what you get out, if you don't want to be lonely, you have to step towards the people. And before you start helping other people, make sure your own life is well arranged, otherwise you'll find that you helped someone else, while your own life was neglected.