Well I can say that my good days are surely getting better. I have been so determine to figure out just exactly who I really am because I realized that I had no idea. I was/still am so concerned with pleasing everyone else and making everyone else happy and proud that I never really figured out just what makes me happy and what I want to do with my life. I feel that this bulimia was a way to mask my true self, since my true self is somewhere deep down, hidden. I am slowly peeling away the layers of this eating disorder, and it's a good feeling. I am starting to love and accept myself, but there is still a long way to go.
I had a relapse yesterday and had a binge and purge session, but it was a weird one. Before I started I was feeling so powerful and happy, but I was bored. So bored, and I had nothing to do. I knew that the binging and purging would make the time pass so that is why I caved. Usually I feel lousy before hand, but being bored is something I can tackle! I can find something else to do instead! I am home all day today (classes were cancelled) and I am feeling pretty good. I walked by the pantry and said to myself that food will NOT control my life anymore. I even made a HUGE step this morning and did not weigh myself. This is probably the biggest step I have taken so far. The scale is my worst enemy and is completely fueling my eating disorder. I woke up this morning and I thought to myself, what will that number really tell me? I am at a very healthly weight for my height and it should stay that way as long as I eat right and exercise properly and give my body the fuel it needs. I am determined not to get on the scale today and I am even more determined to have a happy and healthy day.
I still have a long way to go, and I really would like to go a longer period than a few days without a binge and purge. But maybe by getting rid of this scale, and feeling better about myself, and just not caring so much about being "perfect" I can peel off more layers of this eating disorder until the eating disorder is gone and I am left with just me :)