The List

On watching a TV show today...I was stunned by how many women had a "set list" of more 50 characteristics they wanted men to have.

Inclusive of these was social drinker only, non-smoker, over 6ft tall, funny, must have a degree, not come from a broken home...etc...and these were non-negotiable, deal breakers.

I have a mental list...I think we all do...especially heading on the dating scene you need something...
It goes something like this...funny, ambitious (not to be confused with must have money, as long as he knows what he wants and wants to get it, then that's perfect) wants children, keeps a cool head, is not a liar/cheat or sleeze, can put up with my nonesense....I figure I will be attracted to him anyway, and I've recently added good communicator.

Do many other women have the other list. Am i just lowering my standard here? I would also be interested to hear of anything somebody has put on or taken off their list? Would be interesting to compare notes.

Maybe i just flicked onto the wrong channel?

Much much to you all out there
A very inquisitive
Moongal x

I never had a list & as long as they are a good human being that was all that really mattered to me & of course I found the worst nightmare along the way so obviously did not learn soon enough in life about myself to see or be aware of any warning signs that were POSTED along the whole way, now how blind, silly & humilating is that? Now I've learned & still NO LIST & just lifes lessons.

Take care

April

Okay from what i've learned out of life thus far and taking into account we're all different and therefor will have different experiences throughout our lives. But when i was younger i just wanted to have fun and be with someone whom made me feel good and to have fun with. Then as i got older and wanted different things i then kinda had a mental list but overtime that developed into a written list that got put away discared or set aside because life is not that cut and dry. Having some sort of idea of whom you want to be with or the type of person you want to invest your time and energy with well is just like setting goals. Its good to have some idea of the golden characteristics of the person whom you desire to be with. If not its like shooting in the dark you hope to hit something good but not sure of what and when you get it how the heck do you know its what you wanted exactly.

Then there are others whom have such expectations and everything planned, that the perfect partner for them has to be like 30 different things in order for them to date them. Its no wonder somethings don't work out with having such unrealistic expectations. Plus how can u get to know someone fairly if you are over critical of them.
You need an idea I say at least 5-10 things characteristics etc that you want in a partner. That can also incorporate what you consider deal breakers.
Example: Good Sense of Humor, Attractive, Intelligent, Good Communicator, Good with showing Affection, Attentiveness, Honest, etc. whatever you value or what you u r looking for in a partner should be on that list. Also other things like interests that you hold dear to ur heart, or other deal breaker things, like religion, having children or not. Smoking, Drinking habits, Drugs, financial stability, independence, animal lover, outdoors lover, gamer, activist, introvert vs social butterfly.

The point is you have to know your desires, dreams, what you hold dear to your heart in order to know what you want in a partner. Once you know that then the list really is just your way of actually realizing what you are looking for in someone and also knowing what you don't want so when you see those undesirable behaviors or things that you can just decide at that time if its a deal breaker or somethign you're willing to overlook for the sake of love:) Everyone has some vice, and some are willing to either overlook it, work with or through it or just decide that it's not a red flag after all because they love some many other good qualities in their partner. It just depends on the individual.
Plus just like anything overtime pending on where you are in your life that list might change, which is to be expected but i think the core qualities of your list will not because its who you really are. Those core qualities will be your indicators of red flags when u see things on the opposing end of them.

so in conclusion U might need a list to identify your desires in a partner but after sometime you'll be able to weed out the ones (people) you don't want and then it'll just become second nature and you'll resort to just your mental list or just know what you want.

PS Having someone that TREATS you WITH RESPECT WHOM IS HONEST AND ACCOUNTABLE SHOULD BE ON THE TOP OF YOUR LIST!! WELL that's just my opinion. :P

Thanks guys, ya geez, I don't know why I don't have respect in there, completely skipped my mind, but I am a true believer in that.

Love your replies, they are always so thoughtful and articulate...you always put your heart in.

Love to you
Moongal x

I'm cool w/that & thought some of thoses were a GIVEN in just "Do unto Others"......

Awesome I really love this whole entire support groups everyone is so nice and well honest that its refreshing for me, love the caring vibes. I honestly think being here will help me with my issues and I tend to pay the favor back tenfold. Strangers helping strangers or friends helping people, i think is the best way to live one's life. Getting fulfillment out of doing something and feeling you have a purpose really does boost your positive self worth and confidence. Wishing everyone here a wonderful and happy week:)

Moongal, I love love love this post. This has been such a hot topic amongst my male and female friends, whether single or married.

Funny enough, my close girlfriend called me one day and told me to run out and purchase the book "Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough". This book primarily focuses on the topic of "lists" and really looking past the massive list of criteria that some of us carry around with us when screening our dates. The author explains that when we are in our 20s and early 30s, we are dating with a more open and free attitude, though women will sometimes feel that there's something better out there for them and also combine that with pursuing their passion. I am absolutely one of those women...I am your living breathing proof of just that. I broke-up with the best relationship of my life in my early 30s to relocate to a new city in order to pursue my passion. I believed that I would find someone just as good if not better, so I wasn't worried in the very least. Well, 7 years later I haven't met anyone who comes near or around to the most amazing boyfriend that I ever had. What a BIG lesson that I learned. As I was reading this book, so much of it was speaking directly to me. The lists that continually get longer and longer as we get older and thus we eliminate men because they don't fit a specific criteria on this list. This book encourages us to eliminate the list and shorten it to only 3-5 key points at the most, and keeping it to very important areas such as religion [if that's very important to you], wanting children, etc.

Since I've read this book and since I've talked to my married friends about just this, my list has been tossed out the window. My list is now short, sweet and to the point. Maybe only one point is a deal breaker and that's wanting to have a family. Other than that, I am totally and completely open.

Thank you for bringing this topic to light, as it's been such a big topic of discussion amongst my friends and I.

Uhhhh, we ALL have a list don't we? That doesn't mean we ever find the man who fulfills that list, nor does that mean we date people anywhere close to that list. But yeah, I certainly have a list. It's almost like my 'wishful thinking list'. I feel I have unreasonable expectations of the perfect man, and maybe there's a small part of me that believes he exists, but I definitely don't rule people out that don't fit the list. The older I get, I base a lot of things on my gut...NOT LUST. I'm learning to take my time and really get to know the person. Obviously the person needs to fulfill my short list of physical attraction, mental compatibility, values, humor etc etc. So long as I get the tingly feeling when I think of him, then I set the list aside and dig into how much I'm willing to put up with. If the negative list is short enough, I'm ok with it. I'm sure this doesn't sound so great, but I know there is no perfect person, and I just need to find the person who is perfect for me. If that makes sense.

Puppy, ya that would be on the top of my list...family and you have to iron out those deal breakers immediately. Although recently I have noticed myself also screening for characteristics of my ex's and kind of avoiding them...like the "hot head"

And July...ya you can't beat that tingly feeling either. Maybe in our own hearts there is a list there already and if the man is fulfilling it we get the tingles, if not then we won't. As for a negative list, when we truly truly care for someone we can put up with their bad sides, so long as it doesn't make us feel bad.

I have to say a man who is not ambitious is really a massive turn-off for me or doesn't have the same humour as me...then there would be no "click".

I think I was just so surprised by how many items were on these "lists"...i'm not a guy and I was scared. I think 5 key points would be perfect.

I know you are close to finding love, just keep those hearts open. And believe in it.

Much much love to you
Moongal x

Thanks so much Moongal! The loooooong lists out there are quite scary and I see them here there and everywhere amongst female acquaintances. Luckily my close girlfriends and I have supportively knocked those lists out of one another's hands so to speak/write. Though, the ladies who have the long laundry lists that are so incredibly specific scare me. I think....will you ever find what you are looking for? does this man even exist? The shorter the list, the better chance you have of finding him...at least that's how I feel now. I hear girls say that they didn't like how a guy was chewing or he had the wrong socks on....mama mia! This is the way I look at it, we shouldn't expect something in someone else unless we're willing to step up and do the same. For example, one girl was telling me that she only wanted to be with a super good looking man who's in very good shape, though she never works-out. So, this didn't make any sense to me. How can we expect something from someone else if we're not willing to do the same? I want someone who is driven and ambitious only because I am. I tried dating men who have no passion or ambition and it never worked because I felt like I was dragging a heavy weight on my own; meaning I was sprinting and the guy kind of latched on to me, thus dragging me behind.

I am just so thrilled that you are so open and that's why I know you will meet your ONE soooooo soon. Sending you tons of good happy positive energy!

I don't have a list. I have a great fear of men and an considered unapproachable because of that fear. Any guy that is confident enough to talk to me usually becomes my friend and nothing more.

Aww sweetie where is that fear coming from? I am working through my own fear too, but it is more of rejection than of men?

I'm sure you are a wonderful person, its all about letting that shine through, because that part of you is strong too.

Love to you hun
MG x

The fear stems from a few aspects of my life. My father was verbally abusive and my aunt’s boyfriend was sexually abusive to me (they’re still together, by the way). On top of that, I do have a fear of rejection thanks to an incident in high school when an older student asked me out as a joke. Imagine getting all dressed up and realizing it’s a joke. People laughed at me the next day.

I’m working on being happy, I’ve put the abuse behind me, but I’m still terrified of rejection.

Oh my God, sweetie that's horrible. i hope you are getting through those issues about what happened with your father and your aunt's boyfriend. And know that we all support you here.

What a horrible thing to do to someone...that was idiotic bullying and what they thought would be a funny thing to do and have a laugh for an hour...has left you shattered for years...right? Well sweetie, they were hurtful cowards, and they had no right to do that to you...I hope you realise that...you did nothing to deserve that...please believe me when I say that.

Keep working on yourself hun...you will get there.

Love to you
Moongal x

Hi Hush, I am so sorry for what you have gone through and I can imagine how it impacts you today with your outlook on men. But please know that there are so many good quality men out there with good honest intentions. Though, starting out as friends is such a good way to go as you can truly see and assess their intentions. My close male friend always tells me that the best way to find out a man's intentions is by refraining from intimacy until you've developed a good solid relationship.

I know that you will get to a place of comfort, happiness and fulfillment in a healthy relationship.

In high school I did manage to make a few male friends. The closest of which I did date, he was my best friend for almost 4 years. He asked me out about twice a week during high school, but I thought he was joking most of the time. It wasn't until the summer before I began college that I finally agreed. We made it a year and a half and then he dumped me to work on himself.

I didn't think that it would affect me as much as it did.

Hush, it seems that you had such an amazing relationship with your friend from high school. I always dream of ending up with my best friend and the way to do that is to start off with a strong friendship first and lay that solid foundation. All of that being said/written, I also believe that people come into our lives at a particular time for a reason and they leave because they're not meant to be a part of our lives any longer as we grow and progress to the next stages of our lives. Therefore, I know that your next wonderful man is coming your way because he will fit whoever you are today and where you are in your life. You will see :-)

I still love him very much and he will always have a very special place in my heart. I wish him only the best. He’s really a wonderful person and he will be a great husband and father one day. Anyone who gets him will be lucky.

As for me, I just hope that this wonderful man you mentioned really exists. Lol.

Hush,
I am sorry to hear that you're relationship ended, but although it did end, you can take this with you, that you had a good relationship with this person, and the fact that it was probably your first love it was a good love, and a good foundation for a future.

You seem like a wonderful sweet person, who is dealing with a lot of pain, and that's ok hun, you will get through this and also realise a lot more about yourself as you do.

Keep writting hunny, we are here for you
Moongal x