Yesterday for Haloween my fiancee gave me a stunning Carnival- type mask to wear for Haloween:it is bright orange, vivid purple, and emerald green with feathers decorating the mask. We usually dont celebrate Halowween, but I guess he thought it would be cute and funny for me to put it on. And i mean--it was funny as heck!!! Ha! But as much as i loved that beautiful mask that transofrmed me, I wanted to take it off. I'm sick of wearing masks.
I seem to always wear masks--whether it be changing my body all the time through workouts (and i never get to the weight i like) , or makeup, my hair, or clothes that are just right. You know, Im tired of it all. I'm tired of changing who i really am. I am running around in silly circles goin round and round, chasing my own tail. I'm getting no where escaping myself cause I cant run from myself forever. How can I truly be in recovery if I am afraid to be who I really am???
I'm tired of always trying to change my body;I'm tired of getting to my natural weight and then getting scared people will think im fat. I gain it , I lost it , I gain, I lose---never being happy. ughhh. I know I'm trying so hard to put on a mask and be someone else but I can't! I have to tell myself to just let it all go and be myself! Not someone else's weight or hair color or whatever-----but ME. This is the hardest step for me in recovery yet one of the most important---acceptance. While I dont have to love myself right away, that comes in time, I have to ACCEPT myself and stop 'fixing ' my body. My therapist tells me to stop tweaking my body. She told me to go out, buy a doll, and tweak the doll not me. When she said that I wasnt ready to hear that but now I am.
I'm gonna to try my best to accept me and my natural weight once and for all! Oh, there may be times I'll mess up but the point here is to try my best. And to not waiver to ED. So today I looked in the mirror and despite a ton of ED voices I heard I just said 'STOP IT!" ! For once I am not gonna change and or 'tweak' my body anymore. I have to live my life being myself, and not chase after other people's bodies or wanting so badly to be them. That philospophy is completely destructive to my journey I am embarking on.
So, despite the flaws that only ED can point out to me-- I will do my darndest not to change them. Ughhh this will be hard but I have to! I cannot live life like this--this is suffocating!!!!!!
Yesterday I went as myself for Halloween. Yes, this was very scary for me. Heck I dont even think I wore any makeup much . Well, maybe some undereye concealer cuz i need that (LOL!) but I really went as myself.
The only time I wore a mask last night was when my fiancee handed me over that gorgeous Carnival style green orange and violet feathered mask. And although we both agreed the mask looked great-----I was happy TO TAKE IT OFF...
hey maureen!
your spirit and motivation i simply astonishing.
what you just relayed is exactly what i need to get to. i find it so hard to hear how everyone on here hates themselves so much. i know i do but to see that other people go through the same daily pain is just horrible.
i'm so proud of you for speaking up like this. i just hope that i can reach that state of mind sometimes. i definitely want everyone else to take your example!
i know you'll get where you need to be, just know. i don't need to learn to accept you. you're worth too much for simple acceptance so i'll send you my love!!
awwwww thanks so much maedi!!!!!!!! so sweet!!!!! this is the hardest step in recovery! really! the one i put off the longest.... and although it will take time to truly accept myself----im hoping it will happen. im hoping one day those freakin ED voices will just shut up! so i can just be. it is astonishing maedi----the pain we put ourselves thru mentally. it is mental torture. truly. we dont deserve it. we are our own abusers.... and it is soo sad...
you will get there too made --time heals all! as well as therapy and help!!!!!
thanks so mu for the kind words!!!!! they are greatly appreciated as it really warmed my heart!!!!
This is ground breaking Maureen...this realization is celebration worthy. I completely admire your strength and determination <3 You are kicking ED's ass and enjoying every second of it...beat that devil to a pulp!!!
You ARE beautiful, you ARE unique...you ARE YOU!! No one else in the world can say they are Maureen, there is only one Maureen in this entire world and you my friend, are her! How cool is that to know that atleast in one sense of the word, we are all truly one of a kind? I envy your courage, keep it up <3
thanks so much my friend!!! i also feel this is celebration worthy–like i feel different–freer—like a weight( no pun intended) has been lifted! thanks so much lilac for those lovely words as they so lift me up! thanks so much deep within my heart…
true lilac–the is only one of us. one of each and ever person on this planet. we were made to be DIFFERENT and special and unique!!! we were NOT meant to be the same!! at all ! how boring would this planet be in everyone looked the same???
i also went outside today --even wanted to go for a walk—BUT lilac it sooo freaking cold outside i couldnt bear it!!! arghhhh!!! this is WHY body fat is needed and necessary ! i dont want to be freezin my butt of all winter!!!LOL!!! i tried lilac–i did but the cold was so strong it forced me back inside. i dont want to make the cold i have now even worse… but i wanted to go out!! arghh!! now i pick this cold season to want to conquer my fear of going out?? great timing?? oh well ast least im getting courage!!! at least i tried…
lilac—there was this ad in the mail today of this beautiful skinny skinnky skinny model on it–and at first i lurched when i saw that–that i could never be like her–but wait wait—maybe thats good!!! ha that chic was too skinny anyways!!!LOL and men love curves —so i tried my best not to down myself for not being that girl in the advertisement! im ME not HER. and , that could very well be a good thing…
i cant beleive now i want to go out and it is too cold!!! oh well my fiancee and i are going on vacation in about a week anyway, so thats good… and maybe i can go out with him(if he can) in a nice warm car!!! LOL!
They touched me and made me realise that yeees ... I struggle everyday being anyone but ME ! ....
it all could be easy to wake up in the morning .... beeing ED free ... being just us ... with ourselfs and not torture ourselfs so bad with workouts , diets and starvation !
Let s feed ourself and stay active on normal way and sun will come up !
it is true this step mada is a hard one---a big one a scary one----one it took me a year in recovery to do...
but it is needed-- if i will stay ED free. this will not be easy by any means... im sure ill still get ED thoughts for sure ,as i already have--just i wont act upon them and try my best to distract distract.. and focus on other things.im sure this wont go perfectly at first but in time itll will get better.
we all need to embrace ourselves as if we would embrace our own children. we in many ways although grown , need the love and acceptance we know we would give our own children..
thanks so much for your sweet compliments !!! thanks for your reply!!!
My dear friend Maureen!!
Your post rings so true - the fact is that when you have an eating disorder, you are never ever ever going to be satisfied!! Whether you gain or lose weight, and as much as you think it will make you happy, it just makes you unhappy in the end. I am so happy that you are realizing that you need to come to terms with how you look and accept that you are unique, intelligent, likable, caring, and BEAUTIFUL!! Just the way you are. Keep on believing in yourself. And I'm sure that you know beauty is realative - and it comes from within. People who truly love you will love you no matter how you look!!!
<3
CC
you are right --us with ED are never happy with our weights weahter we loose or gain. it is ludicrous to beleive we need to lose weight to be happy--so untrue...
im so happy i am doing this CC! finally after a year in recovery ---i am doing this step i was afraid to take for soo long. i feel so much---freer! like my true self is coming out!!! and although this is scary it is also enlightening and wonderful! i kinda feel like a butterfly coming out of a cocoon!!!! like i can fly!!
thanks so much CC for your lovely touching compliments...and the same to you, freind....
it feels much better just being me no ifs ands or buts...
well i did well with the ED thougths till the late evening hit---and ED started in again. did i act upon it? no....i ate another snack...ha.... i guess i cant excpect to be ED thought free right now...things take time....but i got through the first half day without a problem---until all of a sudden i got hit with a wave of critique by ED..called me big fat hippo hips!!!ughhh! it hurts you, know? but i ignored it, felt sad but ignored it. it almost feels like ED is an abusive boyfriend/ parent and each time ED slams you down--it hurts...ughhh...
but anyway i am glad i accepted myself....today...
oh---- and i even cut down my workouts--boy was that hard but i did it...
I am at the same point in reocvery right now. Thank you so much for that post. You worded it perfectly. You are a great writer. I am th esame way alwasy thinking that if I can just have my hair a certain way, certain clothes, perfect nails, the right shoes, that I can then be pretty enough to live life. It is hard to accept that none of those things make me who I am that I have to be me no matter what I wear or look like. I have to stop wishing I looked like someone else or thinking that they are so lucky for looking the way they do. I know you can do it Maureen adn I know I can too. You are a very special person and I am greatful that you posted this. thanks so much! Nicole
you are so very very welcome nicole!!!! thank YOU!
thanks so much on your compliments on my writing, i want to be a writer sooo---thanks! i always doubt i can actually succeed at that, so your words made my spirits very uplifted. thanks so much for that.
no nicole---what we look like i so not the key to happiness. if we are not happy within oursleves no matter WHAT we look like we will be unhappy. no matter what. happiness does not come from a mirror image---it goes deep into your soul and stays there unconditioanlly. it does not change if you gain weight or lose weight and it does not go away if you have a bad hair day or a zit.
self love--real self love is unconditional and that is what i have to learn for myself albeit hard for me.
i so struggle with this topic so im gonna lean on my
therapist for this one.... and take time with it all.
i cant excpect acceptance to happen overnight as it takes times. through little steps here and there i may be able to embrace myself, as time goes on....
i hope both you and i can find the courage and strength to love ourselves...
i'm being cheeky here but as i currently don't have a therapist, what does yours recommend to start on?
i find accepting oneself is such a ginormous monstrous thing i wouldn't know how to get it going? those things about standing in front of the mirror and telling yourself 'i am beautiful', i just don't know if i can do that...
i know you said to not change the bits you don't like but which one to use first?
hmmmm do you mean how do you accept yourself or start to like yourself? hmmmm it has to come from inside..and also..forget about pleasing others BUT YOURSELF ONLY.
..hmmm well my therapist tells me to list the positives i like about myself---first what i like about myself on the inside--then on a seperate list she tells me to list my favorite physical attributes...
and to repeat them to myself and focus on that.
and also i write mantras everyday--positive ones---'like i am beautiful' or 'i dont need to change i am fine the way i am'----or 'i am wonderful the way i am'.... and to repeat them daily even if i dont beleive them--eventually it will sink in one day...
sometimes i listen to uplifiting music to help change my negative veiws--this helps me....
oh and to distract dumb ED thought by the beauty of nature( as i did today) and also hobbies/interests.
putting the focus on your MIND and heart and not your looks HELPS.
this so isnt easy--even for me--ugh it is sooo hard. ugh.... i really wish i had more to offer but this is even a difficult task for me....
all i can say is keep telling yourself positive things every day even IF YOU DONT beleive them cuz eventually it will sink in one day...even if you dont think so now...
it will sink in one day if you keep telling the opposite of what ED tells you.....
it is hard--very but doable....
i honestly think that--even though ED was calling me a giant fat cow today all day---i think , at the end of the day i can say ---i think i did it! i said screw you to ED! i had a good day-- go away, ED!!! im starting to accept this weight now....this is me... but let me tell you --it is haaaaaaard for me!
oh and really really--you need professional help with what you are going through for although this site is wonderful it cant relpace good pofessional help....
thanks so much maureen, this IS helpful. simply heating that the whole repeat thing does work helps because that's always been my biggest doubt.
i did those lists too in my last therapy but i never prperly stuck with it. it felt horrible reading those positive things out loud as i felt like the biggest and most arrogant liar. but yeah, i know it needs to be done :-)
even if you dont beleive what you are reading( i know cuz i laugh at mine sometimes) just keep reading them and eventually you will beleive what you are reading!!!
keep doing the list and repeating the positives--dont stop mid way.....you must follow through to reap the benifits...
doubt will go away if you keep telling your mind the opposite...of your negative feelings