The more I research things about my relationship the worse I

The more I research things about my relationship the worse I feel about it. I feel trapped though and I am not sure how to get out. He thinks everything is "ok" and when I try to talk to him he literally makes a talking motion with his hands and tells me to quit whining. I know that I am not a stupid person. I can be assertive and quick on my feet as an emergency room nurse so why can't I make a bold decision and get the H%## away from this guy? I feel so stupid and useless. I constantly worry that I am overreacting to his behaviors and am crazy. I guess I have been told so as well but why do I listen? I am so ready to scream and cry. I shouldn't dread days that he is off of work the same time that I am but I do.

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I am wondering if after being with him for so long that is how you truly feel about yourself, stupid and useless because that is his perverted view of you?

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@CKarma I do feel stupid, useless and incapable of making an intelligent decision on my own. Even when I accomplish something I question the validity of my accomplishment because he downplays it.

You sound like I felt. When I got away I did feel better.

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I think all of us when we first found out that we were or our in this type of um wackoship.....it's shocking!...when I first found out almost 3weeks ago I was in a state of shock! I couldn't believe it- but now since than I have been doing so much better!

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Be sure to give yourself a break once in a while from the research. Big hugs.

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@rumad I finally had to stop also with all the research- it started to drain me- I have enough knowledge of what narc abuse is- now I’m just healing

And as draining as doing research can be - it can also provide answers that you need to move forward. If anyone was that rude to me to make a talking gesture with their hand while you are trying to bring up legitimate problems, I would have a hard time to not haul off and slap them. That is so disrespectful. Know that you can't allow yourself to be defined by his actions. You're smart, quick thinking and resourceful. Use that to either improve your situation or find a way to go another path. Once you do it can be a freeing feeling like no other.

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I am going to add more to what said before. I was at work earlier. About 5 years ago, the man I called husband pried my 5 month old baby from my arms and refused to return her unless I walked into the house with him. I had just caught him cheating AGAIN.. I stayed . he thought everything was OK but something inside of me changed that day. I realized he would use the kids to get to me. I didn't know the word narcissist or sociopath like I do now. Walking in was like the twilight zone. He made believe none of it happened (its what he always did). I saw him through different eyes but was still hesistant to leave. My self confidence plummeted I couldn't even tie my shoes without needing approval. When I left though, everything changed. I got me back. I realized I LOVED me all along. I had changed who I was to be his everything and lost me in the process. I got everything I lost when I left. Even my dream job.

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@Almostfree You said it right when you said you couldn’t even tie your shoes without needing approval. I am so there right now. I make twice the money he does and once I take my boards it will increase even further, but I feel like I can’t make an intelligent decision on spending without permission because he calls me a moron for what I do purchase. He just yesterday asked how much was in the account and I asked what he was spending money on and his answer was “whatever I want”. I dream of a day that I can just go to the store alone.

dont put up with someone talking to you like that. thats not how you treat someone you care about

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I know the feeling; you are a very capable and intelligent person, but somehow the person you are closest to has poisened your self-confidence. I have found the self-doubt to be one of the biggest reasons I have stayed so long in an abusive relationship with a narcissist. I am beginning the process of leaving him, and still feel crazy, despite my absolute certainty that I am making the right choice. Trust your gut. You may find that your feelings are mixed and hard to rationalize, sometimes it helps to write things down, lists of good and bad, to put things in perspective. Odds are, if we think you are being abused by a narc, you probably are, and your powerful intelligence is sending you signs that you need to find a way out. It has taken me a while to truly understand this, and I have found my friends, family, therapist, and countless research articles to be helpful. You may want to acquaint yourself with codependency as well as narcissism - they are often complimentary roles in a relationship and might help you to better understand why you have stayed, and what you can do about your feelings now. Trust yourself, your heart knows what you need, and you deserve happiness!

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@phoenix1479 You are correct about codependency and narcissism going hand in hand my counselor describes it a a dance and they go very well together. I am working hard to reduce my codependency issues. It is a very big change. I have found that many that I work with in the field of nursing are codependent to a degree and many of us are in similar toxic relationships.

"...if you think you are being abused..." Not "...if we think..." ;)

You are normal and not weak! Focus on yourself and you'll get there. If you're not ready to leave can you gray rock him whilst you work on your plan? But remember everything he throws at you is just part of a game plan please don't believe any of the awful things he calls you as they are not true.

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It took him filing for divorce against me and me finally experiencing other men to be able to break the emotional ties and his control over me. The process sucks but it's temporary and I will be legally free soon enough.

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@Loglyn9708 well done for breaking free yay to legally and mentally and emotionally free!! X

It also took another man's love to break me away from 14 years with my narcissistic husband. We've been seperated 7 months now and it's still hell, only recently getting a bit better, still trying to train myself to break away from his control and my need for his approval

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It took the last two years to break my emotional connection once it was gone I didn't care what he did anymore. I still have to live with him for a little while longer while we work out living arrangements and he is taking full advantage of torturing me every chance he gets.

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@Loglyn9708 I went through the same thing, I actually ended up with court order to make him leave (he had girlfriend, a house, but he refused to stop walking in my house daily, disrupting my life and my kids lives…he’d literally walk in whenever JUST to walk past us and ignore us to make sure we knew we were nothing to him.) Not to mention he’s alcoholic and drug addict. What a mess, but finally I can feel comfortable in my own home. He’s still being controlling by refusing to cooperate whatsoever with the divorce, not responding to any deadline, not providing any information. So every TINY thing has to be done through the court. So it will take more time and more money but it will be done regardless. He’s just trying to hang onto the last piece of control he still has, but it’s almost gone. The first month he was out I was consumed with grief and seriously feeling sorry for myself when it really hit me how much he had emotionally abused me. Second month I was angry and rebellious and did some stuff I always wanted to do but wouldn’t have dared while with him! Nearing the end of the 3rd month, I’m calmer now, more focused, and a LOT more hopeful about the future! I hope you can find a way to give yourself peace until you can live apart. It will come, keep your eye set on your freedom!