The more i think the worse im getting PLEASE HELP

so before this i was just struggling with hocd.

but today i was watching something on tv where the person poisons their neighbor and had a flash back:

when i was 6 years old i had a REALLY annoying neighbor that both my mom and i hated. i remember one day thinking to myself "what if i poisoned her" i thought about mixing something with her water and giving it to her. but i knew even then that it was wrong. i dont think i ever intending on actually doing anything. but the fact that i thought it didnt freak me out back then. could that just be because i was so young?

Now im 19 and i know i could never hurt someone. i cant even kill a spider in my bedroom. but today in the brief time period my hocd was leaving me alone i thought "OMG how could i have thought that when i was 6 and not found the thought terrifying????" The fact that i thought that terrifies me today but it didn't when i first had it at 6 years old. i've never had a thought like that since. occasionally i get unwanted violent images but im sure thats ocd and those terrify me instantly.

but why didnt that thought terrify me when i was 6? why did i think it? what if i had actually done it? why didnt i freak out when i thought it? am i demented person whose a murder deep down? please respond after you read this im hysterically crying and very very scared as i type this.

I think everyone has them thoughts when there a certain, age...well I did and a certainly still do now. But the fact that its affecting you this much now and making you worried and scared all the time...maybe its OCD. I usually have frightening thoughts of hurting someone and hurting my self. Or even being a child molesting, from things that happened in my past when I was a child myself, but that what OCD does to you, make you think irrational even though it seems so real at the time.

Do you think about this quite alot?

A x

yes i do think about these things alot. thank you so much for making me feel better. i feel like every mildly disturbing thought i have i want reassurance that im normal or something. and i obsess about things so much. like i even convince myself i have diseases that i dont. im going to go talk to a therapist in a few days but your post has helped my anxiety so much. thank you

I thought I had a tumor for a while too. No problem, its good that i'm making you feel better :) I understand what you mean, when you feeling the obsession spiking its hard to look for reassurance from people that don't understand what you're talking about, so its good that you can go on this site and get reassurance from people that do understand. :)

A x

i thought i had a brain tumor once! my brain surgeon uncle even had a hard time calming me down. but eventually the obsessions about it went away.

I thought I had a brain tumor too, every time I had a headache I thought my tumor was causing it.

when i was pregnant i thought the doctors were lying to me and it was a tumor something i was walking around all mad like why dont they just help me and tell me the truth. when i was younger i had ocd still kinda do but i think really hard or try to distract myself to stop it i get really graffic images in my head alot or if i hear a child laughing or crying i immediately think theyre being abused or molested idk why that happens but it does i used to have scar tissue in my mouth from biting down on my cheeks to punish myself when i missed a count or landed on an odd number other than 7 when i find myself doing this i just sit still and purposely count off or mess my clean apt up you know its kind of like telling myself its ok if things are off imperfections make you perfect idk thats what i do any way

Its a terrible thing to go though, everything seems so realistic at the time, but when you think back to them...its seems ridiculous that I actually got something like that in my head. Its really annoying.

the bad thoughts went away for a few days but today they're back. i was on a news website reading about egypt today and on the side there was a news story about a US man being accused of murder in another country. and all of a sudden i had this thought "see i can just go kill someone in a country that has a weak police force if im really a murderer, then i wont get caught". and then i got really scared. its like my mind comes up with these thoughts to make me feel better about thinking im secretly a murder but they scare me even more. i told my mom and she said if i dont stop thinking these things that one day when im married and have a family im gonna end up killing my own kids. im so scared. i cant tell my own thoughts apart from intrusive thoughts anymore. someone please help me i've been crying nonstop for 3 hours. why do i keep thinking these things? am i really a psychopath??

i dont think youre crazy i think this happens to most people especially introverts because we think alot i for one can come up with so many possibilities and stories in my head and it usually starts from what ive seen or how i feel and its better too get those out so your not constantly on it. I ts kinda upseting that people try to act so much better when theyve gone through similar things ya know alot of problems and mistakes could be prevented if we all were more honest with things but unfortunately life isnt easy but find someone truthful of at least pen on here and talk it out and youll find so much advicebut yeah im rambling on but thanks for sharing also know that these are thoughts our mind can trick us so talking is better it gets you back to reality the more you do it though its very hard k i hope this helps a little

i just want this all to go away! it seems like now the harm ocd keeps reminding me of thoughts i've had in the past that were kind of disturbing and i have no idea why i thought them. for example, when i was younger, my mom had my brother and around the same time one of her friends became pregnant. and i saw my mom nursing my brother and wondered how milk could come out of breasts. i remember imagining my moms friend in the hospital and a doctor poking needles into her breasts so the milk could come out and her being in pain. i am SO disturbed by the fact that i thought about that. but at the time i was like 11 and i really thought thats how milk came out of breasts. but now my head is telling me that im a person who likes watching people be in pain and therefore i am a psychopath. im so scared now. i really would never want to cause anyone pain, especially my moms friend because i love her. im so disturbed by the fact that i thought this...does this mean im really a demented and cruel person? i wish i could unthink thoughts i had when i was younger :(

honestly if its alright i say this every thought is not your own i believe that cause i deal with it daily its a constant mind war ya know i fight it with paper cause i talk while writing and it always starts with me writing exactly what im thinking i read it and say in my thoughts how i want it and how it is you know like i thought i killed my daughter i imagined something taking over me and pushed my daughter down the stairs i couldnt stop crying i told that devil to back off G od got me you know i had to keep reminding myself that the devil is a liar and the author of confusion but as long as i look and keep my relationship with God the devil can never take over ya feel me never he can try but im with God

thats an interesting way of looking at things. i guess i just need to come to terms with the fact that every thought doesn't mean something about the kind of person we are. it seems so easy to think that right now but when the ocd and ruminating start i feel like this horrible person who is a threat to everyone. im so scared that i might do something that would cause me to spend my life in jail or a mental institution. so whenever i get a thought that scares me i feel like i have to tell someone and i dont feel better until someone reassures me this thought does not mean that im a psychopath. its so exhausting and i dont know how to stop. i try "accepting" the thought like other people on this site say but i cant do it :(

keep talking ive barely started talking only because of the shows ive seen so i dont feel like the only one ya know and i also know where it stems from but me myself i accept the bad things i do but i got to fight the lies never believe a lie it leads you down the wrong path and the more you believe the more youll accept that and become it and i refuse. Just know God got us and every day is new try each day ok its hard but if it was easy we would have nothing to look forward to nothing to love you know idk but i hope this helps you sweets