The never ending cycle

Yesterday, though like always I tried to restrict, I tried to be good and eat. Today same happened. The only problem is I can't feel my hunger ques which I like but I can't feel the full ones either till it's too late and I feel like crap and want to purge- though I resist the urge cause it scares me. I feel awful. Since I already ate so much I keep going why not this or that too since my day is already ruined. I am so depressed. My eating disorder always sets me up for failure - never success. Only if I were to eat nothing and wither away would it finally be happy. But I want to succeed and never can. I feel so fat and disgusting from yesterday and today. I don't want people to see me. I am even freaking out because I dint even know what disorder I have anymore. I restrict all the time but now two days of binging? I hate myself and my disorder so much- I never let myself be happy, it never makes me happy.

Hi Allee, I can empathize. It's really difficult to eat 'right' and feel ok afterward. Telling you this because maybe if you know that someone else out there goes through the same; it could help. It's 'normal' I think to go through the double voices. My therapist said it's a good sign to hear the 'dialogue', and from what you wrote you too have that dialogue. I think that's what's making it so rough for you, you seem to feel torn.
Sometimes I only know I'm hungry when I'm dizzy and have a hard time paying attention, I'm not sure what it feels like to feel hungry with your stomach so I just eat by the hours it's 'normal' to eat by.
What helped me be able to go on with eating right and following the menu is that you must separate each day... It's hard for me and so I find it a bit hypocritical to ask of you the same but if you could wake up in the morning and say "what I ate yesterday doesn't count for today" and today you start from 0. Like being born with a new slate- except everyday.
Don't let your ED set you up for anything but set YOURself up for success!
I hope you feel better soon and are able to get out of this cycle! -- Happy thoughts :)
TJ

You are right, Allee, your eating disorder will always set you up for failure. No matter what you do, your eating disorder will never be pleased. Whether you "do it right" or "do it all wrong" your eating disorder will always be there to tell you that you are a failure, that you are a horrible person, and that you deserve all the unhappiness you have because you just can't do anything right.

I hope you will open yourself up to the idea (and you don't have to believe it right now, but perhaps start off by considering the idea) that you are a GOOD person and you are worthy of love (other people's as well as your own love for yourself.) Your eating disorder has nothing to offer you, only empty promises and unhappiness.

I'm so glad to see you have posted so many things lately. You are going through a really hard thing, recovery is HARD, separating yourself from your eating disorder is HARD, and I'm glad to see you are sharing your frustrations.

Ooh, I almost forgot. Something that really helped me in early recovery was eating many small meals each day instead of one big meal or two big meals. That way I never got too hungry and I never got too full and never had to feel starved but never had to feel uncomfortable-full. You can set this up yourself by putting various snacks and small meals into containers and eating one every 2 hours or whatever suits you best. For me, it really helped teach me how to eat again. I didn't have to rely on my sense of hunger or fullness, I just ate what I put in the containers. It really really helped me, and sometimes I still do that when I'm feeling like I can't figure out what my body is telling me.

Allee,

I, too, can hear your battle with the ED voice. ED wants you to restrict. YOU DON'T! It's YOUR voice telling you that you need to eat! Ed will try to convince you that you need him... That if you don't follow his rules, you have failed. He'll push you to binge if you eat even a little. He'll push you to restrict. Listening to that voice, and trying to do what Ed tells you, will ALWAYS lead to pain. It's like an abusive relationship. He's convinced you that you cannot live without him. But the TRUTH is that WITH him you will never be free. But you CAN let him go! :) You CAN be free of him! Keep writing and thinking and pushing for what YOUR voice knows you need, Allee... I believe you'll get there. :)

My meal plan saved me... Jan and the plan. ♥ I had a set number of calories "prescribed" to me. That was my prescription for LIFE. The calories were the correct dosage. I needed them. Having that spelled out for me, REALLY helped. When I tried to recover without my meal plan, like you, I felt such horrid feelings of failure every time I ate ANYthing that was against Ed's rules. My days varied so much... Sometimes I could eat, and sometimes I couldn't. But WITH my meal plan... I no longer felt guilty for eating things that went against Ed's rules, because they were clearly part of my prescription for life! :) They fit the NEW rules! That's not to say that it was easy... Or that I never stumbled. I stumbled a LOT! I even gave up a few times. But in my dogged, determined way, I kept returning to the plan. And it helped me to save my life.

You CAN do this, Allee! Chin up, girl! Ask for what you need, and don't stop asking until you have it. You're worth it! ♥

Love,

Jen

Jen, that was really uplifting to read! You really seem to have a knack with words and just knowing what to say…
Thought about writing your own book? :slight_smile: Just a thought…

allee..."only if I were to eat nothing and wither away would I finally be happy"...You may truly think that at certain times, but I don't think you believe that. I believe you want to live, or else you would not be writing here! An ED will confuse you to the limit, and it's only as you go against the ED more and more that you will begin to realize the YOU have control! It does not!
Most of all, you are not 'good' or 'bad' based on the ED. You are YOU, and you deserve to be free and healthy as we all do. Hang in there and please continue to write...HUGS..Jan ♥

Thank you for all the insightful thoughts. You have really made my view better and I'm feeling alot better about myself today. I actually ate normal today and I didn't feel awful. I am more indifferent about it. Still, that's an improvment. I do want to live and get better and just be happy. And that's what I keep telling myself when I second guess having that cereal for breakfast or that snack when my body tells me I'm hungry. Thank you so much for helping me in a time of need you guys.

Allee,

That's GREAT!! ♥ It's sooo important to acknowledge every victory! :D

Love,

Jen

Allee, reading your story was like reading my life.. I totally do the exact same thing and I'm so confused about it. I thought I was just anorexic but bulimic behaviors are starting to occur so much in me these days. I'm currently seeking help and doing outpaitent with a doctor and therapist in town. I suggest you do the same, also have you read the book, "Life Without Ed"? It really helped me, and I think it can help you too. I'm not recovered but I'm trying very hard to get there, and I know you can too. (:

Thanks for the book recommendation. I definitely will read it since I am such a book worm. Surprisingly, from this site I am finding so many other people with the same situation and just so many similarities with an eating disorder. I feel so much more understood and this site is really helping me get through this relapse. I want to go get help, but I am going to have to figure out on my own how to go about getting it because I am not quite ready to tell my parents. I plan on talking to a college psychologist when school starts up again and hopefully by then I will be in control more of my ED then it is of me. Day by day progress right? :)

Oh my god! I can totally relate to that. My parents have no idea at all about my ED, I mean they definitely have noticed my weight drop and stuff, but they don't know why it has or anything. I totally agree with you, knowing that other people understand you helps you feel more able to get better, I mean we all always feel so.. competitive. Even though we're all trying to get better it's like, if I knew someone weighed less then me I'd go crazy. And it really shouldn't be about that. I'm so glad you're going to talk to someone, that will help you so much. Also I'm so glad you're getting that book! It's really inspirational and helps you tell which thoughts are yours and which thoughts are your eating disorders. Stay well and keep up the progress! We're all here for you!

someone recommended a book, and i thought i'd add to that...

i'm not sure if any of you are educated about feminism, but i am a huge advocate and know for a fact it has helped me with my eating disorder. very powerful stuff!

okay, but my all time favorite book which helped me realize some things about myself/ED and amp up my mpg's to recover(ies) is called; all about love: new visions, by bell hooks. it's a trilogy set, though i have only read this one.

if anyone else may be interested in feminism, send me a message! i have many fantastic resources i'd love to share :)

I am a book worm and am open to any books! Especially ones about Ed or ones that I can relate to and help me understand my eating disorder. I'm not really sure why I enjoy reading them- amybe because it's so easy to relate to or it teaches me something about myself. But I'd love to hear about any good books

You are who God says you are. You are beautiful, royalty, valuable, and a daughter of the king. Your behavior does not define you- who you are is who God says you are. Your past failures and the failures of others toward you are wiped away clean- because Jesus suffered on the cross so we do not have to. He took on the sham- guilt and all the feelings of negativity that the enemy tries to bring against you. The voids inside can be fill by Jesus Christ alone- things of this world cannot fill those voids. Food, drugs, people and the like are temporary- and will fade away. God cares and understands every hurt you have inside and loves you- as you run to Him- and ask Him for help- He will be there and heal those areas of your heart that Satan has tried to steal from you. Guilt, shame and negativity does not come from God- it comes from Satan- he is a liar. We cannot earn God's grace- we are who He says we are- not what the world, and what satan says we are. When thoughts or feelings come that says you are worthless, or fearful, or anxious or the like- that is not from God. He says that you are valuable, and he has not given you a spirit of fear- but power love and a sound mind- and to cast your axieties on Him because He cares for you. He loves you- and He died for you and all of us- He defeated satan- and you have the victory- God is greater than circumstances and feelings- He is there for you- with open arms anytime. He loves you, and He will never leave or forsake you. Run to him- He is our father and best friend- and as you accept him- you are seen by who Jesus is- not who we are. Jesus is perfect- we are not- Jesus never changes- our feelings and circumstances do- you are beautiful- because of His beauty and you were created by him- and unique with special gifts-lean on Him- He is greater in you than things in this world. Your past is gone- and God has your back. He loves you. Never give up. You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you. Feed your soul hunger with the word- Song of Solomon " Oh how beautiful you are my darling there is no flaw in you." That is how the creator sees you- and he does not condemn- satan does. You are valuable. That is a promise from God.