The Past is Past

Relationships Romantic Relationships
1

I suffer from a unique form of jealousy loosely referred to in some circles as "Chasing Amy Syndrome" because of the nature of the jealousy as it relates to my spouse's past relationships. We have been married for ten years, and I love her more than anyone else, ever. More than my parents. More than even my children. Or I suppose I should clarify that I love her differently from them. She is my soul mate, my best friend. I trust her that she would never be unfaithful to me, and I trust that she loves me as much as I love her.

When we were dating - before we were ever serious - we shared stories with one another about our previous relationships. I was actually engaged to a horrible woman - convinced I would never find my soul mate and wanting to marry for the sake of tradition, and somehow feeling that my life was slipping away from me. That is when I met the woman who is now my wife. She was (and still is) confident, sexy... funny... and she seemed so sophisticated - travelled - at least within the continental United States - but more than me either way.

There is a great deal of depth to how these conversations about our previous lovers came about. I believe her to have initiated most of these conversations. I also believe that she did so to try to impress me - to make me feel like she was some sex goddess - or that she was experienced in dating. We were more make-out friends at first - and did not get sexually involved until my relationship with my fiancee was a thing of the past. So I think some of these stories were told to excite or arouse. But I found there were things I did not want to hear. Especially when it came to the story of the young, hung stud she slept with about two months before she and I started dating. Another story involved her and her friend having a threesome with her friend's boyfriend. There were other more minor stories, but these were the two worst. I had never been involved seriously with anyone that had experiences like this. Her description of the younger man - six or seven years younger - was more than I could handle. She said he was "huge" and that the sex was "amazing" and that they did it "four or five times" - and she "couldn't remember what time she left the next morning. It was horrible.

We have been married for ten years. As we were dating, these stories bothered me to a point that I found myself in a severe depression. This was compounded by several other circumstances - or rather - the jealousy compounded those. I was under the stress of a new job in a new location far from home; a failed attempt at getting married to a woman who made my life miserable as my wife and I were trying to build a new relationship. I found myself hospitalized, inflicting bodily harm, overdosing on medications, and drinking every day. I couldn't handle the fact that she would be with someone else that way - and it made me feel insecure about my size, about my ability to perform, and it made me feel like I missed out. But I was so deeply in love with her, and I still am, that I was able to put these things aside and begin our marriage with the hope of a fresh start.

After our honeymoon, we went to visit her family and on the way - she wanted to visit the woman - her friend - who had been involved in the threesome with her. I played sick - unable to face the woman who had shared a man with my wife. I never met the woman. Aside from that - I had occasional issues over the last ten years, but nothing I couldn't handle. I had left a lot of it behind me - and thought of it only rarely, assuming it was the furthest thing from her mind. Until last year when she mentioned the threesome to my best friend - in a joke of sorts - saying to him: "I was in a threesome once." It brought everything crashing in around me, and began a depression I have been unable to break away from for the last year. It reached crisis proportions about a month ago.

I understand that this is absolutely ridiculous. These people - these instances are in the past - but I can't help these black thoughts that come to me - dancing in the back of my mind throughout the day, and occasionally slamming into me at the worst possible moments - like when I'm touching my wife, or if we are having sex. I find myself wondering - am I as good? What was it like for her with him? or them? She tells me over and over that I am the best - that the emotion that is part of our sex is far superior to any large-hung man, or any meaningless one night stand. she has assured me that the threesome was her friend's idea - and it was more to help her friend impress the boyfriend, and even a payback of sorts for her friend helping her through some tough times when my wife didn't have anywhere to live. I get all of that. But the dark thoughts still come - invasively - and then I begin to dwell on them.

I've seen two therapists. I've talked to friends. No one seems to get this. I just wish I could find someone to say - hey - i get it. I know what you mean. I would love nothing more than to have been a fly on the wall during each of her experiences previous to me - so i would know. But then - would I want to know? probably not. Or maybe I would see that it wasn't as great as i make it out to be. But on the other hand - maybe it was the best thing at the time -and she acted accordingly - and it took those to set the bar for me to exceed them. But the dark thoughts still come. I know all of these thoughts are irrational. It's the past - and it's in the past. I can't change it - I can't make it go away. If I had been her first and only - would we both be wondering what else was out there? Would we have the amazing sex we have together now? Would we have ended up staying together? It's the "what if's" that add to the problem.

I guess I've rambled on this enough - I just wish I could make it all go away. She has - in many ways; she has done a lot to help me through this - including throwing away old photo albums that had pictures of old boyfriends in them. She deleted friends from Facebook that she thought might arouse my jealousy. I don't want to seem like a **** - because I am doing so much to try to make everything better - to make myself better. And I'm doing everything I can to be sure she isn't hurt by this - I'm not forcing anything on her - I'm not trying to make her feel guilty for having a life before me. She is everything to me - and i want her to be all mine - and to have always been all mine. It's not a totally unhealthy possessiveness, because I know she wants to be with me now - and again I don't worry about her fidelity. I guess I'm just confused. I needed to get this out. i just want it all to go away.

2

phthonoes, not sure i can help, i can pass on the experience that my husband and i of 19 years had gone thru. our story is similar to yours, i had more "experience" and that in my opinion is not a good thiing. i would have loved to marry my man having been the only one either of us touched. the fact of the matter is that it was not true. the truth my friend is not always easy but it it the truth. you knew before hand as did my husband and i. it caused issue in our marriage for many a year, horrible jealousy on both ends. the wanting her all of her all the time "unhealthy" might try posting in co dependency. we had to get thru that one and there are still residual effects on his part for me as i am now not the arm candy or the sex pot i was because of severe illness that has me bedridden most of the time. there is must information on the net about the chasing amy syndrome that you could possibly learn from others. just look up chasing amy syndrome on google and lots of information comes up. folks experiencing what you are. maybe reading others stories, input, can help you witt putting the past to rest as well as coming to terms with you insecurities.....we all have some to varing degrees, but when they get in the way of a normal way of life and invade our body, mind and spirit.....it must be dealt with or it will continue to deal with you. my best to you hun

3

Phthonos, I do understand this. Perhaps my situation is a little different to yours, but I will give my best advice or understanding. I have only been with one person. And I don't plan on being with anyone else till I am married. Many may laugh or scorn at this idea, because it's old fashioned and has apparently no place in our society - but I disagree. Anyway I'm going off my point.

The person I love, and have loved for a long period of time I found out a short while ago, that they have had a number of conquests to the point that they have done multiple things with multiple people to fuel their own needs and desires. In turn, for me, because I know that this is/was lust and not love - it now no longer bothers me as much. Of course I do not like the idea of them being intimate with anyone in that manner. Because that contraveens any ideas that I have on my part. But the fact of the matter, she is your wife - she's made a commitment to be with you and only you. She loves you and desires you because of this. The fact of the matter is, why would your wife say such things unto you, if they weren't true? Why would she lie to you in this manner? She seems to be a fairly honest individual - one who is open and upfront in all manner of things.

Have you tried talking about any of these concerns and issues with your Wife? Have you sought therapy?

Unfortunately people cannot erase history. Sometimes we wish we could - undo the mistakes and regrets of yester year especially as we now know where life has taken us.

But think about it this way - perhaps if your wife hadn't of made those decisions, she wouldn't have ended up in a loving relationship with yourself?

Furthermore - she didn't choose the well hung guy - she chose and wants to be with you. Surely that says a lot about you as a person? Your capabilities as a man - you not only provide her with love and care and the sexual chemistry that you share, but friendship, companionship and someone that she can rely on totally and completely.

Don't doubt yourself.

1 Heart
4

I can't solve your problem, but i can relate from the other side. My husband of five years is still insanely jealous of past lovers. He brings them up and will try to make me feel bad for having a history. Try to keep this problem in perspective so you don't start humiliating or shaming your wife. We also have a lot of issues with going out. We live in a small town and are on occasion doomed to run into my past partners. When this happens I do my very best to politely evade, but sometimes it isn't possible. I don't have emotions towards them , but i don't see a need to be out right rude to a past friend in a public setting. My husband will get obscenely angry if I say hello in passing. I don't understand this. I am not causing any harm, it's not done flirtatiously. It is polite and respectful to acknowledge and respond when greeted. And i always make it a point to cling tightly to my husband in these situations to reassure him and to provide a non-confrontational visible clue that i am happily involved. I guess I really don't understand it either. My advice is not to let this build a wall between you guys. We have had several dates that have gone sour because of a hurtful or snide remark that I didn't deserve.

5

I apologize if I sound crass but my husband does the same thing. In fact there are a lot of similarities in our stories. When I first got with my husband, I confided things in him that I felt were safe to be said. While I can sympathized with his hurt feelings I can tell you that it wasn't done to rub things in his face. The fact that I married him implied to me and everyone that I chose him. Unfortunately he did not get that memo. He has harassed me for the past 10 years. Things come up almost daily. Everyone that I speak to is a link to my past. The end result? I feel like i want out. He smothers me to death. I feel like I am in prison. I wonder what it feels like to be in a relationship with someone that you can have fun with, without it turning into an argument or without receiving a snide remark.

I suggest that you learn to understand that the past is the past. You have become your worst enemy. You have been given the opportunity to be with this woman and you should appreciate it. Take the opportunity to be the NEW memories that she has. Ok maybe you may not be hung...but you can rock her world in so many other ways. Show her that she is lucky to have you. Trust me you will be glad you did.

6

I have the exact same issue. My gf has a very 'colorful' past which she felt compelled to share when we were first dating. After telling her a 100 times I was not interested she finally stopped, but I am still not comfortable with her past and I don't think I ever will be.

I feel like it is my cross to bear.

7

I can say I understand how you feel. I'm... kind of the same way as you. Even though I actually had more "background" than my husband - he had surprisingly few experiences - I find myself occasionally fixated on them. I will talk about them because I feel hurt, for no real reason at all, about these people and experiences he had.

I will say it's not good for either of us for me to dwell on those things the way I do. And I know that it can be painful for him. Being jealous of people that aren't even in the same STATE as him anymore is really silly, I know it, but I can't help it.

I also did the stupid "I'm sharing way more than I should..."though actually it kind of triggered the start of our physical relationship and allowed us to get past the shyness that was blocking our emotional relationship when we got together.

All in all... I completely understand where you are coming from. I have the same tendencies. I just try to talk through it with my husband and be honest and sincerely apologetic when I'm being possessive. It helps.

It also helps that he doesn't talk about it on a regular basis or with my or his friends - maybe talking to her about not dropping that information when talking with your buddies would benefit you. I actually can't really think of a good reason for her to share that, honestly. Your dude friends do NOT need to know how kinky she is, unless YOU are comfy sharing that with them and are sharing it in a way that earns you Bro Points. ;)

It sounds like she's just way more comfortable with sexuality in general than you are, and thus, doesn't really think anything of it when talking about past experiences.

I will also tell you this - she chose you, and you rock her world. The big penis thing is exceptionally stupid for anyone to latch onto - it honestly doesn't alter sex that much for most women and is usually un-fricking-comfortable. So if she talks about that, just roll your eyes and say "Yeah, but I bet that kid (emphasizing how young he was) didn't even know what to do with it, let alone you" or something else making you sound confident in your sexual prowess.

OK, now I'm tossing out randomness so I will stop here.

You're not alone though in the jealousies that eat away at your insides.

8

I have suffered from this 'disorder' since my first relationship 28 years ago!! It has caused so much depression and anxiety in my life and I know how irrational and stupid it is. I have tried hypnotherapy, which helped a little, but it hasn't irradiated the problem completely. I have a narcissistic mother who has abused me emotionally all my life...I wonder if that has caused this mental anguish within me? I don't know and guess I never will. My current partner has had several ex partners who live in our town, and I am petrified of bumping into any of them when we are out incase it makes me go awol again. The last time it happened I couldn't function for a couple of weeks and it played havoc with my mental wellbeing for a couple of years after. It is such a shame, I don't want to be bothered with this stuff that doesn't matter...I know he loves me and I love him. I've had counselling and psychotherapy over the years but it still niggles away at me...

9

You are right the past is past. She is right that the emotional bond makes the sex awesome. I am married ten yrs this month and it still rocks. I had a guy hung once and hated it. No such thing as too small, but too big is most definitely a problem. I had 3 ways because i wanted to. I don't miss any of it. The Joy of making love puts to shame all the lust acts of my youth. They can be amusing memories sometimes but i wouldn't trade lovemaking for the world. You satisfy her in a way noone before you ever could. Obviously you surpass her past. Good luck.

10

Have you even seen the movie? Your chasing amy thing is wrong.

11

How so? Being haunted by visual images of your lover with someone else? Seems dead on to me.

12

I'm right there with you bud. I've suffered from this exact same situation for my entire adult life and it's been a huge, huge misery for me. I've seen multiple therapists, tried different forms of meditation herbalists, acupuncturists, talked all my friends' ears off about it – the works. I've recently begun a new relationship and started getting flared up all over again. So I've committed myself to digging into this again with the greatest effort to date and not letting up until I have an answer. Fortunately, I think I'm finally getting somewhere.

First watch these videos. They're really great.
http://www.interchangecounseling.com/blog/ending-jealousy-permanently-part-1-naming-is-framing/

Ok, now here's my experience. This is a still a work in progress, so, individual results may vary. I'll try to be as brief as possible but there's a lot that I could say here.

1 – Know what is and isn't true. Intellectually you have to have a strong basis for what you believe is moral and okay, objectively. Your wife sounds like she's had a few interesting experiences and it sounds like they were just for fun. So ask yourself if objectively thats wrong or not. Do you believe people are entitled to a life of fun sexual exploration? If it were a friend of yours would you feel the same negativity? My guess is no. Let this objective stance that you have on sexuality help you separate what is a rational vs an irrational feeling or thought.

2 – Find the Sensation. Recognize where in your body you hold this feeling. When I get triggered I have a very specific and predictable sensation in my chest. My heart starts beating out of control, adrenaline courses through my veins - literally into fight or flight mode- and I can get this tightness/ stinging sensation in my heart. As you focus more on the sensations you're having you'll start to realize that you aren't actually reacting to these awful memories or visualizations, but rather you're actually responding to this awful sensation on your body. If you train yourself to stay calm, breathe deeply, and just deal with these sensations on the physical level it will go a long way to helping your mental placement as well.

3 – Dont lash out! When you feel that you are in this very predictable pattern and feeling and thinking these dark thoughts, make a rule for yourself that you wont manifest any of those things into the physical world in a way that's harmful or shaming for your wife. By all means ask for help, express how you feel, let her know that that information really isn't helping you right now, etc. but don't ever slut shame her or throw abuse her way. This isn't her problem and you have no right to hurt her for it.

4 – Feel what you feel. Imagine a child who falls down in a playground and starts crying. Her father runs over and tells her, 'no no it's okay you're all better now you don't need to cry anymore.' This seems caring but it's in fact destructive. The body cries as a way of healing a trauma – in this case, the fear that child felt when they lost control and hurt themselves. The body needs to feel that fear and respond to it, in this case crying, and only then will that trauma be resolved. By telling her not to cry the father is imposing a block in this situation and keeping this child from really healing. Better would be a father that just holds her, supports her, and lets her cry it all out on her own. When she's done she'll feel better and go play again.
Same for you. This one's the hardest, but the most important, I think. You need to dig deep into these emotions and really feel them. Find out what the root feeling is and embrace it. And a feeling isn't a frame – it can't be “I feel cheated on” or “I'm mad at her” those are frames – they're stories you're making up and still not at the root feeling. But 'insecure', 'sad', 'afraid', 'angry'. Those are feelings. So feel em and let your body heal like you're a little kid who fell down. Be safe about it of course. The stuff you bring up about abusing alcohol and medication sounds like depression can really have a serious impact on you, so don't be reckless. Stay healthy. But, those kind of numbing crutches are just more evidence that you're overwhelmed with feelings that you aren't comfortable fully looking at.
I've been doing this for the last month. Everyday. And it's been miserable. I've been depressed, crying, angry, the whole nine. But I feel much better now. It seemed like I would be that way forever, but everything passes. Just like mourning the death of a loved one - we just have to go through it and come out on the other side. The body is a self healing machine. You just have to get your mind out of the way and let it heal this wound on its own.

And lastly, this may just be me, but I also recognized a major component of my issue was not jealousy, but envy. I wanted to have those experiences. I wanted to be a fun, carefree, sexual being as well, and I was tortured with insecurity that I wasn't. And so when I was in my mid twenties I got some courage together and told my serious partner at the time all the fantasies I had and asked her if she wanted to help me actualize them. To my surprise she said yes and then we embarked on a roller coaster of sex clubs and threesomes and anything else we wanted to try. It brought us closer together and it helped me tremendously. It opened a door for me to start becoming the person I really wanted to be and to see myself the way I wanted to be seen. So, if this rings true for you as well, maybe it's worth having a conversation with the Mrs. about having some adventures of your own! That way you can have stories too. Just make sure you don't let the hunt for adventure overcome the love and bond you two have in your marriage.

Ok. Hope that helps some! You're definitely not alone, my friend. Keep up the fight.

13

Have u expressed how it makes u feel when she brought it up to her friend about the 3some?

14

Me the same. The trust issues will destroy me. Have attempted suicide. Time isnt on my side anymore. All I ever wNted was love