The Roller coaster highway of love may need to be closed due to maint issues

First, I would like to thank "Vic" for creating this site. I am very new to this so please bear with me if I ramble.I have gone through many of the posts on this particular site and what I found completely refreshing was that there ARE men on here who, like me, are trying to reach out for help. Because our DNA does not allow us to communicate very efficiently, it is so nice to know we can crawl into "our cave" on here to hash out some of our problems, with what it seems so far as being, lots of good advice and understanding. My "problem" in a nut shell is this:
-Married way to young to a drug and alcohol user/abuser, I divorced her after a year but we had a child. Dealt with finding myself and my path while going through hell and putting the child through hell. Once things stabilized, met (who hopefully still is and will continue to be) my best friend and partner in crime. Sure, it started out rocky what with my crazy Ex and her crazy Ex, but we grew close then married. Started a small business, built a home together, I adopted her son, and we have a beautiful little girl together. The reason I sit here right now and type this hoping for some answers is that it has been almost 10 years since we met and over 8 since we were married. Business had been horrible because of the crash and the last 2 years have been complete HELL. Nothing I would wish on my worst enemy. We have almost lost everything we have worked so hard for, several times. It is such a wonder that we are still going strong. I mean, the business. The marriage? Not so strong. I learned lots from my Mom who raised my brother and I from youngsters after my Dad left for the Vegas type lifestyle. I learned lots from entering into a marriage when not ready and having a child when not ready. I learned lots from my mentor in my particular business who taught me to LISTEN to people, find out their feelings, figure out who they are and how you can help them... My concern now is that I feel as if I have the role of WIFE and my WIFE has taken the role of HUSBAND in that I am the one who wants to talk and communicate and talk about how we feel.. she is the one who constantly crawls into her cave and who wants away from the kids, away from the house, away from the business, away from her family... just away. This is not something new. It has just escalated to the point that I am to the point that I have had enough. I know it would not just devastate our kids and our families but there would be other negative impacts not listed here. I SEE those that do business with me that are in their marriage because they have to. I see those that right away, you know are there because they WANT to. I honestly do not know what side I or my wife are on as far as the comparison. I have "softly" suggested that it's time she sees a doctor or that we need to try couples counseling again, this was met with "It will not work" (those 2 options). When I asked what would, I got a push out from the entrance of her cave so she could once again go inside. If I believe that she loves me, I believe that she does not want to lose everything, I believe that she would still give her life for all of us in a second... What then is it? Sure, life is filled with stress, emotions, and anxiety. But, if we have a solid foundation to begin with, these are things that can be dealt with and pushed aside as they come near to us, correct? I now have thoughts that maybe she is having some type of relationship with someone else. Nothing has ever come up to say that this is the case but I just don't understand how it has become me that is the one who wants to talk things through and she wants to shut down. Any thoughts, suggestions, replies, etc. would be so greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Your feelings are justified & since you've mentioned therapy/counseling might be wise to do that for YOU while you keep trying to keep the lines of communication open w/her, Maybe shes experiencing something emotionally that your not tuned in to or can decipher, that in combination w/the stresses you've described above would start to develop into depression at a point in time as the fear of the UNKNOWN is frightening for all. I admire you for being one of many men here that is willing to get to the bottom of this & truly wants to help/assist/lead/learn together BEFORE it gets worse. Is difficult to have some more suggestions when not actually living in the enviornment/relationship.


Thank you April for replying. I can’t tell you how better I felt after I shared my “problem” on this site. Wow. I had never told anyone how I felt. “How about them Bears?!” Ok, had to make sure I still had some MAN left in me. :slight_smile:

The issue I see with trying to go get counseling on my own, as I have tried talking with her about this in the past few month’s, well, here’s the response in her exact words!

“Counseling? Are you serious? You don’t need counseling. Plus, we don’t have the money right now for you to do this…” See, it then become a bigger issue because of the whole money thing. The problem on my end is that we DO have the money but she feels that any extra we have should go towards our business or the IRS or the kids. Not us. I am sure my issues are very common in the “normal” marriage world but I honestly can say that I just can’t continue to deal with someone who is not willing to open up to me. I have been putting this on the back burner for almost 10 years now and God love her, I could not imagine my life without her but how does someone MAKE the other even WANT to try to get help when they themselves don’t want it?

Your correct in that it sounds like, from what you describe that excuses are being made & that your NOT being HEARD/taken SERIOUS & there is no magic bullet for convincing someone of what the issues are, they have to do that on their own & be receptive of what the spouse is trying to convey to them. I only know this from my own experiences (married 19yrs. hes has a grocery list of disorders w/alcohol dependency) went to therapists 4 of them til I was told he needed one on one w/medication, he went 6 times & stopped & stopped meds too (that started back in '04), I had to learn to not enable/co-dependent the situation & yet be supportive by researching/reading alot of books/internet searching over a period of time to NO AVAIL (not saying thats your situation). Its a stressful, lonely life & one has to figure out what is best for them, which IS what I started doing a while ago. Its a long haul & you did not lose any MANHOOD by seeking answers for yourself & alot here admire the ones that ARE man enough to be capable of doing what your doing, brings the rest of us a little faith that there really ARE some out there that think the way you do. Am sure others will read & give some more insight for you to think about.