The Special Day I Missed

Mental Health Eating Disorders & Body Dysmorphia
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Well, my lovely friends,

I missed the NEDA walk in New York on October 3rd. The NEDA( National Eating Disorders Association) walk is an annual walk in the fight of eating disorders, and I so wanted to be a part of it. I even put a post it on my mirror to remind myself of the walk--I was so so so excited to go! I have been really looking forward to this ALL YEAR long! Me--in the fight against eating disorders, walking in the acceptance of ALL sizes and not praising that only one size is beautiful! I so wanted to go more than anything i can possibly think of! REALLY! I wanted to be a part of that march against the pursuit of thinness ---so often portrayed by the media as perfect, I wanted to walk for the acceptance of myself even though I still think I am fat and ugly, I wanted to walk for those going through the same thoughts / ideas and torment as me--and man, there is a lot of us out there. I wanted to march in the strength that ALL sizes are beautiful , small, medium AND LARGE and embrace not only myself but everyone else. YES--- this was like the million mile march--for WOMEN(and men ,really). and heck yeah, we need a revolution! To free ourselves of the slavery of weight worries/ thin obsession! Yeah, I wanted to be like Martin Luther King and give my "I have a dream' speech, hahahahhaha...

Well, during my time of extreme extreme illness lately, as most of you know about, I could not go... for those of you who don't know, I had gotten very very ill from something I had kept ingesting that was very very hazardous to my health and became violently ill for the past month or so... It has been horrible. one of the worst months of my life, not the worst, but up there. I figured out what it was and threw out the thing that was making me ill I was eating. I am still sick, and naseous and in pain but progressively am able to eat more...thankfully..oh, I am not close to being well yet BUT I feel a difference--only now I am just super weakened from all of this hell.

My point here is---I missed the NEDA walk. I missed my Million Man March. I missed my Martin Luther King speech--ahahhaha--(Just Kidding). I missed the day that would have helped me out so mcuh in my recovery and would have also helped out myslef esteem so much, walking with so many people, supporting one anothers beleifs that we are wonderful the way we ARE.

I am beyond sad. But I could not push myself, I didnt want to get sicker... I was too weak to go. I am so upset. Words can describe--that was so the one day I was looking forward to--even more so than my birthday coming up next MONDAY! I am just----sad and feel like I missed something so important....like--something that would have helped me. Heck,I might have made friends,there! But health first....right? ughhh.

The one thing I am looking forward to ---really is I am meeting Jan(yes our beloved Jan ) on FRIDAY! YEA! YEA!
It is amazing I am seeing her so close to my birthday, what a gift!

So, I am super excited as she helped me out soo much, so so much in my recovery as she has helped out so many others... I am so excited! So yes that makes up for the fact I didnt go to the NEDA walk, but I would love to volunteer there soon. There is a NEDA chapter in Long Island I was thinking of voluntering at, when I get my health back...

I cant wait for Friday!

love you all,
Maureen

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Maureen,

I'm sorry to hear that you haven't been well but happy to see that you've opted for your health over going to the walk. I can see how much it meant to you but the timing wasn't right. It's yearly? How can you get involved in next years? I imagine the preparations begin early! It could be a good focus and something to look forward to!

I'm beginning to wonder if there is something similar in France which I could get involved in in the future. I'm not really in the right place at the moment to do something like this but when I'm better, I'd like to start thinking about how I could help others with EDs.

So, how about sending the organisers an email to explain that you missed the walk and would like to know how you could get involved in the next one?

Have a wonderful time with Jan on Friday and I hope you get better soon! :)

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thanks sooo much oh la la, and that is a great idea...as i will do this next year and it is an annual thing, yes...

thanks so much oh la la, for your reply..

and i do hope they have somehting like that in france...

i am glad i put my health first....

have a wonderful day!

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Don't be too hard on yourself Maureen. It is such a positive thing that you put your health first, you have been so poorly the last few weeks that I would have worried for your safety had you chose to do the walk. And like oh la la said, there is always next year. You do so much already to help people who are suffering with ED's, you offer so much advice and wisdom to so many on this website, and for that you should be proud of yourself!! I am proud of you. Proud of you for believing so strongly, for wanting to help so much and just for being you. Take care

Lisa xxx

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awwww lace that is sooo sweet and thoughtful of you, and made me feel better...

thanks so much, yes there is always next year and i can do ohter things---with NEDA anyway, like volunteer which, i hopefully eventually will be able to do one day. and then i would actually be part of the organization....
so i guess there are alternataves to the day i missed...

thanks so much. yes i would have been putting myself at a big risk if i went. but i guess i was there in spirit. it just sucks how sometimes our bodies prevent us from our dreams, but i guess that happens. and yes part of the reason i was ill was from my past ED and how it messed up my digestive system--not fully, but partly ..so it goes to show you that EDs can stop you from doing what you really want in life....

thanks so much, lace....you made me smile

love
maureen

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I'm so glad I made you smile. I meant every word. You seem like such a kind, loving, caring person and NEDA would benefit from having you as a volunteer I am sure of it. One day you will.

Keep smiling Maureen

Xxx

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thank so much, sweetie, for that ray of sunshine....

love
maureen

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Maureen,
I know you were disappointed that you could not participate in the Walk this year, but as everyone agrees, your health comes first, and you could not help that you were ill!
Maybe you can save your energy to come to Ohio for our second Annual NEDA Walk this next Spring?? hint..hint!!

I am looking forward to meeting you and your fiance, and celebrating YOU on your birthday!! Take care...Jan ♥

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hint well taken jan and that is not a bad idea at all! maybe jen and amy will reunite again! ha....

yes i am looking soooo forward to it, too...
yea! cant beleive it will be here so soon and thanks for making my birthday soo special.....

love
maureen

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I am honored to be there to celebrate with you! ♥

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yea! yea! is it weird i am now freakin on the whole–weight gain–birthday cake thing? cause i am having two celebrations one that day and one on my real birthday–so im like—scared. i already gained the weigth back i wanted to gain back–so im like—scared-of these two celebrations --kinda like 2 thanksgivings–hehehehe… i know i wasnt before now—i am? ughhhh im sure you will calm my nerves…ha…

love ya!
maureen

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I'm planning on a Toledo trip!! ♥ COME, Maureen!! That would be INCREDIBLE!! :)

Wish I could be with you both on Friday... I'll be there in spirit. ;0) Riding on some shoulders. ♥

Love,

Jen

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How far is Toledo form Chicago?..moving from Colorado to Chicago area this week :slight_smile:

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Maureen I am sorry you missed the walk but am so excited for you to meet Jan. And yes there will be other opportunities for you friend :) Keep postive and I wish you recovery from this illness.

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chicago---wow, i wish i knew--im bad at geography....hehehe... i want to say not far, but not sure...jan would know!

love
maureen

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guys--im freakin on the whole birthday weight gain... i gained my weight back up to about my normal again, and i did set out to do so( my skin was looking way older from all the malnutrition and dehydration and such) but now im feeling big and scared to eat??? oh, why is this happening to me -now....now im scared of my birthday dinners(i am having two celebrations) and cake and i wasnt before.... i am somewhat kinda(not really though) ok with this weight now..and i dont want to gain....oh this is silly! but i am worried.

but anywayz--i am happy to see jan..... i am ---i ll try not to fret as i know you will help me.... hahahhaha

i can hear you know --'oh go ahead and eat!" ha

love ya'll

maureen

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Maureen,
I will not force anyone to do anything. You can watch me eat if that's what you choose....no expectations or apologies, you know?
Looking forward to meeting you....that's enough!!
Take care...Jan ♥

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Surrender and Maureen,

I hope you can both make it!!! 4 hours?? Wish I was so close!! :) It'll take me longer to fly! LOL!

Maureen,

Jan totally understands the "food stuff". ♥ Be easy on yourself. No one's judging you. :) And you can stop whenever you want. :)

Miss you, Jan! ♥

Jen

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...I would also quite like to see a picture of this birthday carrot!

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oh dont worry jan---i will still eat, it is our dinner together---itll just be scary , thats all but not really cause you are there...

it is just my weight is spiking up quickly--i noticed a rather large gain from last week...which i wanted to gain a little but now--i am noticing that the gain is on what i call' rapid fire" which is where it spikes up quickly from not eating enough(and fast weight loss)--yes starvation mode... i have been through this many many many times in recovery and relapses. i was dreading this part ....i knew it would happen, just wished it wasnt my birthday time! i mean, i am glad i gained --i just didnt want it to happen so fast---and even so much so quick...
i do feel quite chubby...now

and I ammmm soooooo mad cause before all this dumb illness my metabolism was working great! i mean,, great! i was just gettin on a great meal plan and eating well through out the day---my metabolism was finally after 7 months--of not working --working! now, im sad--it will take a long time for me to get all the hard work i put in to building up a metabolism --to start all over again. and i know what this could mean. sigh-- a large gain....

it is so unfair i had to not eat as much this month cause of my dumb stomach crap--hell -torture... now, that i can fit a bit more in, i fear the ---ugh, gain...

i will stop rambling on and on and on now...

cause you know what?heck--im gonna met jan on friday and im sure she wont care if a i gained some weight! hahahahaha

so, i digress my freinds....

oh and jan--im still eating dinner and having cake.
now i probably wont have 2 cakes like i originally planned( joe and i are celebrating on my actual birthday) but i am still eating with you none the less....
it will probably have to be something bland, but ---i will still have FUN..

love ya girlies!

maureen