The Time When ED Almost Took my LIfe Away ( Long but Important Post)

Hello my lovely freinds,

Today i embark on something that I have written on here before BUT since there are so many new people on here---I thought this post would open other people's eyes to the dangers of ED.

I keep trying to write this post but I ended up shaking in fear--going back to the time I almost died of ED makes me shiver. And freak out. Yet it is important to discuss what CAN happen with ED. ED loves to make us feel immortal, but really we are fragile human beings with bodies that need to be taken care of.

OK, so in 2003, I was living with my ( abusive ) mother and started anorexia back up again only this time I incorportated bulimia with it. This was nothing new to me as I have been dealing with going back and forth with anorexia since I was 19 years old. So, by the end of the year in Nov. 2003 almost a year of ana/mia--- I started to get viciously ill. I didnt get what was happening. It is funny casue all of my freinds said "Maureen you are sooo thin, you are going to die from your ED", and I said "NO I'm not!Ill be fine" .

One day i got up in the morning realizing, wait a minute--I can't get up.. I was sooo scared and I told my mom and she was worried also. I thought I was having a stroke or something so I called 911. My speech/thoughts were all messed up and I couldn't even form sentences at all. So the paramedics got there and were so freakin nasty to me I couldnt beleive it! They treated me like i dog. I was scared as all hell and I got treated worse! I went to the hospital and they were even worse to me--treated me like a dog--said you are severly underweight and we have to put you in the mental ward. I was like, OH great--yeah cause this is gonna help me out so much. They had police escort me to the mental ward of the hospital( what am I, a criminal?) and shoved me in a room with a girl who kept saying she was going to kill me. MY medical needs werent even addressed . Not at all. I kept telling them I couldnt use my arms and hands and legs hardly at all and that I couldn't speak correctly. They ignored my medical needs and just put me in a room with NO help, no therapist, no help for my ED at all. Ughhh... Yes I got treated like an animal.

Now there are great places to get over ED---dont get me wrong but this hospital was not at all trained in EDs whatsover.
Anyway, when I got out of that hell hole, I was very scared. I really couldnt move my limbs, I couldnt walk hardly at all---I could'nt even speak or think at all. Ughhh... Words can't even describe the terror of it all. I couldn't even take a shower I was sooo weak I couldnt get my arms behind my head to wash my hair. So I went unbathed for a while during all of this. I just couldn't do much for myself at all... Eating was hell as now i had wanted to get better but my stomach was sooo bad any kind of food would kill.

I really didn't know what to do as me and my mom were so scared. Hell, as mean and abusive as she was to me in my life and she was way baaaaad to me---at least we bonded back then to try to figure out what was going on.
We went to numerous doctors--all who said I was severely underweight and didnt know what to do for me. Yep I guess a lot of doctors dont have a clue about ED. I went to numerous stomach , heart doctors, primary care doctors, neutologists, with out any help. They didn't know what was wrong with me yet my body continued ot fail. I went from not being able to move my limbs to having difficulty peeing to not moving my bowels at all. My hair started to fall out and my skin took on this grey color---and my bones/ joints became painful( thus the arthritis I have now) chest pain, heart arythmiaas, dizziness, faint, no energy, not being able to form sentences---I swear to you I was scared as ****.

So a year of going to doctors and in and out of hospitals went by and no resolution to my problems was found. I got worse and my weight went so low if I had lost any more I wouldn't be here typing to you all. I was all bones---a walking corpse----but hell, I couldn't even walk. My hair had pretty much fallen out at that time and the rest of it was so matted from not being able to wash it/ comb it from my ED. I had every physical symptom you could imagine and if I were to tell you how much pain I was in --on a scale of a 1-10 it would be a 1000. I was being tortured to death. I could actually feel my insides eat themsleves...ughhhh.. yuck...

It was at that time I became homeless--great , huh? I was deathly ill at the time and my mom had ot go into a retirement home for her diabetis. I had no way to pay for my apartment by my self. So I moved in with a freind of mine who ended up being very abusive to me. Ugh. Such a low point of my life. Here I was homless---being abused by an asshole and I couldnt do anything about it cause I had no where else to go. I was too sick to get a place of my own--heck , I couldn't even shower by myself! Imagine! I mean, I couldn't walk hardly at all, couldn't use my hands/ arms--couldnt even think or talk and I was in so much pain I wanted to die. I did want to die at that time. I was waiting to die with no avial. I remember sleeping on this little bitty, hard, dirty, orange counch that idiot had ---wishing I would pass away....

So for a series of months I stayed there---and oh , there was more that happened during that time---but if i wrote all that this would actually become a novel. What happpened was eventually my mother was worried about me living with that guy who was abusing me. My mother----was worried about me---who in fact was the one who abused the hell out of me my whole life! Ironic, isnt it? anyway----I was shocked by her sudden niceness to me and we got a hotel by oursleves but we were pretty much homeless. I could barely dress myself and I wore old clothes and couldnt wash myself cause I was too weak so I looked--well, not good. When my mom and I would go to the store people would snicker at us and treat us like crap. Some people would actually say---'WE dont serve people like YOU' and we would walk away sad...

So we were recommended to a board and care place in the end of 2004. It was a dingy, unclean , unattractive place but it was a home so I didn't care. They treated us like statistics there , though. We were just another resident. I got NO medical help or attention for my ED or severe medical problems. BY that time my friends--I was a walking skeleton. Literally. How I lived through all of this I don't know. My skin was a greyish white and my veins were popping out. They had to give me a buzz cut cause my hair had fallen out and the rest of my hair was so mangled ---the beauticians couldnt do anything. So OFF went my hair. I was devestated. I could barely walk, move, I couldnt even eat by this time at all my stomach was sooo bad and the food they gave us was so disguisting it was inedible. I was literally dying in their presence and those people did not care. I soo wanted to die. I was waiting to die. I wondered--why the hell didn't I die??? I so wanted to be releived of this tortourous pain I was in. I felt like an animal in a bear trap who couldn't get out. My skin had developed rashes all over my body ---red painful rashes. So when I showered it stung. Pain was an understatement. I was being tortured to death and getting no treatment for my health issues.

So, by some miralce of GOD this dumpy little place I was staying at had me transfferred to a place called "Torrance Care Center". They said they wanted my mom there cause she was dying of cancer( Oh i forgot to tell all of you--yes she was dying of cancer at the same time all of this was happening. ) and needed extra medical help. They said this place might be good for me as they have medical help for people there. So I was kind happy in a way--thinking--hmmm maybe this is what i need.

And it was!!!!!! ugh- freinds they saved my little life.If it wasnt for them I would not be here typing this to you all. It makes me want to cry. They took both of us in to the nursing home and gave us the same room. We were side by side. Both dying. Sigh..

They gave me therapy, medical treatment, Ensures all day long---good food, help for the fact I hadnt gone to the bathroom in 2 years, physical therapy for my weakened limbs , and I made many friends there! OK most those freinds ended up being nasty to me--but that's another story--LOL--the POINT is they saved my LIFE! I was ever so grateful for them! i was giddy with excitement! In 3-4 short months miraculosuly my life had been spared! I could walk again and talk and had energy and be free!!! Words could not describe my happiness! Now the one thing that never ever got cured was my joint pain. I still have that extreme pain. I was diagnosed with arthritis in 2008. It is all over my joints and is crippling but I pull through it . To this day I am still in sevre pain in my joints. In fact it kills when i type.

Unfortunately, my mom passed 5 years ago to this day on Nov. 22, 2005. She died of cancer but I had gotten better. So I decided to live for her...

So after I got let out of the nursing home--I went on living my life--yet got caught up in ED again. and again. Until last year when I quit for good on Dec 3rd. Oh, I had my relapses and hard days and such but overall-- I have been ED free for almost a year! Shortly I will be ED free for a year coming this Dec 3rd. Mind you, recovery is a linear process and I 've had my ups and downs and still trying to love myself--but...It can happen!

This Dec 3rd I will celebrate my life ED free....and freinds, it is so so much better on the other side of ED . Not only did ED torture me to death, but he took away my happiness. But ED can't anymore....

Love ya'll

Maureen

maureen.....

what a sad story. it really proves to me how much strength you have and what you can overcome.

u truly are an inspiration to me. i know it must have been a tough life and im so sry to hear about ur mom.

im here for you if u need me for anything.

many many hugs. im free of ED for two weeks so we will celebrate together.

hugs

thanks so much lizzie! and congrats on being ED free for 2 weeks! wow!!!!yea lets celebrate!!!! what i wrote really makes me think of the seriousness of ED and we forget that it can kill. when i look back at that time---i still shake in fear...

thanks so much lizzie! yes my mom passed 5 years agoo---it was wierd cause she was so sooo very mean to me most my life---but at least she was there for me at that time. she she turns nice and then she died. sigh...

it was her time i guess....

love to you!!!HUGZ!!!

maureen

sorry for the mispellings , freinds, my fingers hurt...LOL...

love
maureen

Wow M...I'm very proud of you for having the courage to share this story with all of us. I see some similarities in the symptoms you shared...weakeness, veins popping, greyish skin...its scaring me a bit actually.

I know today is the anniversary of your moms death, you are a very strong women M and I love you ♥♥

thanks so much gina!!!thanks for you sweet reply..

i know, ---the similiarities with what you are having and what i went through a are a bit similiar....

yeah my moms passing---ugh it is weird i still miss her.... after all the hell she put me through. but i do miss her... wierd, isnt it??? doesnt quite make sense...but i guess no matter what i am part of her...

tonight is therapy thankfully..LOL!

love ya too!!!!

maureen

Maureen,

Such a sad story but I understand how scary it gets when ED really starts to mess with your life. About 6 months ago I was told I was one more purge away from dying because my esophagus has started to tear. Plus I understand the weakness and the greyish color skin too.

My hair has started to fall out this time around...:( and I remember being in treatment and being so weak all I could do was lay on the floor and cry and the doctor had to come to me to see me cause I couldn't walk.

it is really sad...

<3 ya
~Ashley

wow ashley thanks so for sharing----hmm so this greyish skin color is common in those with ED? i thought i was just losing my mind...back then....

it is really sad that is why we need to fight back and do something about ED or else he will take away our health, life, and sanity and happiness and not give a ****...

thanks so much ashley!!!

love
maureen

Maureen, thank you sooo much for sharing your story. It actually made me cry (but in a good way!). I recognize a lot of the same symptoms in myself- greyish/yellowish skin, veins popping out, dizziness, etc. As I was first reading your story, ED was telling me that I'm not THAT bad. He was even going so far as to tell me maybe I don't have anorexia after all... But I fought against him, because I know he was just trying to minimize and keep me trapped. Reading your story was an important wake-up call to me, and it also caused ED to ramp up the minimization a bit. I hope I can remember your story when he does this. You are so strong Maureen, I hope you know that. I'm in awe of you :)
Also, I'm sorry to hear about your mom. My sister passed away a few years ago, and I know how hard anniversaries can be. I'm glad you're seeing your therapist today. You'll be in my thoughts.

thanks so much. please do not minimize your symptoms as from what you described is a problem and should have a doctor check it out---
before it gets to my stage... there is no need for minimization on your symptoms cause ---sigh, if ED is left ignored said symptoms might get worse----and i dont want to scare you in any way possible--it is just that i dont want anyone to be tortured as i was.....

thanks so much for your kind words... thanks so much...

yes it was wierd yesterday as well as today--i feel weird. in fact i cant beleive i worked out today even when tired. makes me feel bad. as i go on and read my own story---heeellloo maureen WTF??? ughhh... but i think im going through emotions i cant handle now but it is good i am seeing a therapist. ok i can now kick my own butt for working out when injured/ tired. nice, maureen. yes i will use this against ED as i am using this story against ED right now. and making myslef a hot fudge sundae to compensate for the work out i did...sigh....

well, he we have our struggles-----to fight--the good news is ----i have the upper hand now. ED has not had the upper hand for a year...

thanks so much chelsea...

love
maureen

Thanks again for sharing. I hope I can have the upper hand over ED someday...doesn't feel that way now.
Also, I hope you do have that hot fudge sundae and enjoy every bite. You most definitely deserve it :)

thank you!!!!

love
maureen

awh maureen, your story (even though i already knew a bit) is so shocking, sad and frustrating too. i simply cannot believe those people!! they should be sued for gross negligence! and it still wouldn't make better what they did to you.
i'm so happy that you finally beat ED. although it might still be whispering at times i know for a fact it doesn't stand a chance with you. i am incredibly sorry that you had to go through so much, its absolutely unimaginable and i sincerely hope that now life will only bring you happiness.

i said i was shocked when reading your story. shocked in two ways: 1. obviously for everything you had to endure and 2. that all this didn't scare me. i'm thinking, i don't have anorexia anymore, i'm not underweight, i don't really have physical effects (despite 15 years). and i'm thinking if this happened to you, well you deserve it and you could then just kill yourself.
i hope i'm not being rude by saying this but that's how i think. i simply don't care what happens to me.
i wish so bad that i was frightened and shocked into taking action against ED, instead i'm still terrified of gaining weight.

this is just sick. what does it take for me to see the true face of ED?

thank you so much for sharing maureen. just like before you at least made me realize how badly i'm holding on the ED.

love
maedi

thanks so much maedi— yes all of this is quite shocking–hell it even shocks me !!!

ughhh… scares me to death—thanks so much for your reply. it is–sigh–ridiculous what i had to go through… you though–should not feel this way at all and i really do hope you seek HELP ASAP ot discover WHY you think these negative horrid things about yourslef—maedi–you treat yourself so awful–like an enemy and you dont deserve that. so i do hope you get a good therapist/treatment for your thoughts cause it isnt right… at all.

love
maureen

Even though I have heard Maureen's story before, it is still shocking to read.... I am glad you chose to post it again, hon as others need to hear it too. As you know this is also the 5th anniversary of my Dad's death; something we have in common so I know how you are feeling today
Much love to you!!!

oh yeah my common bond with you--and that yours and joe birthday and lloyds is the same!!!!! ha!!!!! yeah molly i know is just gut wrenching to read through. it gives me goose bumps... just reading it. it is like watching/ reading a horror novel---with the exception that it did really happen....

sigh...

but im doing better now thankfully! even my therapist is soo proud of my progress / better thinking !!!!!!!
thanks soooooooo much molly--
love ya freind!

hugz!!!!!!!

maureen

thanks to all of you for your lovely support!!!!!

love
maureen

HAPPY THANKSGIVING !

Maureen,

I just read your post. I am shocked most at how others treated you, I simply cannot believe their attitudes and actions. Iam also shocked at how badly you describe your situation. I don't see myself there though. I am far, far from being all bones. What I do see is my mentally being right there. I remember when I was really bad into my ED years ago, I would binge and I mean binge then go to the bathroom for hours purging and finally just lay on the bathroom floor in tears wishing I would die. It is such a horrible, horrible place to be.

Unfortunately, I heading in the same direction at the moment. I do not binge and purge anymore - I simply restrict. But my mentality is that I don't care what happens to me. Pretty sad I know but that is where I am.

I am so very inspired by your successes though. I cannot believe you came back from the dead - basically. I am soooooo proud of you. I wish I had the same courage and strength. Most days I am soooooo tired I could care less.

Thank you for sharing your story. It definitely serves as a reminder to all of us the dangers this horrible disease can bring with it.

I will keep your story close to my heart and hopefully it will help me push through my own struggles.

Happy belated Thanksgiving
So much love and hugs to you Maureen
Shana

thanks so much, shana!

happy thanksgiving to you also!!!!!

love
maureen