The world wont stop spinning

Mental Health Eating Disorders & Body Dysmorphia
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1

I cant slow down everything. I wish I could but there seems to be no pause button in life.

I just am tired of dealing with everything and I don't know how to organize/deal with everything that is going on.

First off my boyfriend's mom is just unbelievable sometimes. I know we are away from here now (me by 4 hours, and mike by 2) but she still is driving me banana's. After my boyfriends parents split up she has become apparently (since i have seen no other person in her than what she is now) more of a egotistical selfish person! She makes mike come home on weekends to do stupid crap like mow the lawn or whatever. She never would even consider making the drive to see him, but she expects him to go down there all the time! Today she is mad at mike apparently because he didn't come visit her last weekend on her birthday. So when he called her to ask if an important message was in the mail for him she would just keep hanging up on her! This crap makes me just so upset even though it doesn't directly involve me. I don't know why. :( And if I marry him one day am I going to have to drop what I am doing to go to her at ever temper tantrum she has gah!

On top of this ruining my day I cant meet my stupid meal plans. Suddenly I am scared of all the numbers adding up. I have massive tests coming up next week and I don't feel ready at all and I feel like I forget how to even study. My roommate is making me go to a party tonight and I have to dress up, wear HEALS (eeek) and there is going to be drinking which I don't do. To top it all off I feel fat which totally sucks so I wont even feel remotely comfortable in my own skin at this party. And I also feel like I want to binge but I know I wont cause I just cant handle the emotional mess I would be if I did such a thing.

I just feel like I am slipping. Like before I was either meeting my calories or eating too many and binging and occasionally eating little. Now I am eating too little all the time and even when I want to binge (which my body probably needs) I cant even wrap my head around it. I am scared of dinner tonight at the stupid dining hall and contemplating that cookie that is so forbidden and if I eat it everything will crumble. And I have that first meeting with the therapist on wednesday and I am nervous and don't know what to expect... everything is just so complicated.

if i could only just compartmentalize everything in my head, find some order everything would be okay. Does that even make sense

sorry for ranting. It was much needed.
allee

2

just know that i'm thinking about you. You can get through this. Life is ****** sometimes, but we have to keep going. You are so strong. I'm sorry that you are going through this. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

3

Thanks rebekah. You are very sweet. Yes life can be ****** sometimes, I know that is for sure. On the positive side Mike is coming to visit this weekend! Surprise :) I am super happy about that. He always makes me feel better.

allee

4

And remember that your brain DESPERATELY needs the nutrition to function well at schoolwork!

5

hmmm ok first off--alle ---do you really have to go to that party of which it doesnt sound like you want to go? it seems to be triggering to you,. not to say not to go, but if it is that upsetting to you, i would reconsider.

i must say though--im very glad you found a therapist--and allee i remember the first time i saw one i freaked. words can even describe the anxiety and i also fell into the ED trap for a couple weeks--so be on the lookout cuz ED can flare up when you first start therapy. it is very emotional and draining. i kept having panic attacks afterwards, but the results are getting better now. it is worth it. it is very emotionally disturbing to start therapy. . i didnt sllep for a week. i know, it is hard, but you can get through it and the rainbow is at the end of the storm.

i think this slip could veey well be because you are starting therapy--you know why? it happenened to me. tell your therapist about your worries.

and about the boyfriends's mom? all i can say is--i hear ya! i know....ha... sometimes i ti shard relating to the family of your loved one...

love
maureen

6

Hey Allee. Sorry you are so upset and the day was crappy.

Do me a favor, take 5 deep breaths for me. I'll wait.

(Humms Winnie the Pooh)

That wasn't a deep breath.....do that one over.

(Still humming)

Okay, hopefully I at least made you smile.

Now, I am only going to touch on one point here - your future monster...er..uh..mother-in-law.

How long has it been since they split up? I am also assuming he is an only child or the oldest?

If it's still fairly recently, she still may be in transition. Asking her son to mow the lawn or fix things is not stupid.

Nor is it wrong wanting to see him on her birthday.
What if he didn't see you on your birthday?

Hell, he didn't see me on my birthday! You tell him I'm feeling some type of way cause he missed my birthday! LOL!

Now, I am not saying he has to run to see her at the drop of a hat, but you have to realize she probably feels absolutely lost.

I know when my ex-husband and I split I was a mess! I felt like I absolutely could not function. It took me a while to get it together. Not that I was sad we split, but my world was turned upside down.

It would also explain her inflated ego. When you go through something as traumatic as a divorce or separation you have a tendency to over-exaggerate yourself to hide the hurt from others.

On the outside I was beautiful and brave and very confident and didn't you know any guy would die to go out with me? What I portrayed on the outside was a lie.

Because behind closed doors, I was nothing. My life was in ruins. I was afraid I would never make it on my own. I was terrified nobody would ever love me.

I remember coming home to my apartment and going into my room and literally crumbling to the floor sobbing.

Maybe she is going through the same thing. Maybe she is trying to mask her hurt and doubt. Give her a little bit of a break.

Now, having said that, your boyfriend needs to set up some comfortable boundries with her. Meaning he should not have to go every single weekend.

That is something you can talk to him about, but he needs to be the one to talk to her. And be sensitive when you talk to him about it. Choose your words carefully and be patient. He may not go for it right away.

Let me ask you, have you volunteered to go with him to see her? It may not be such a bad idea.

How does he feel about the whole situation?

You know, when you are in a relationship with someone, the family is part of the package. And you don't get rid of them. That just doesn't happen.

It's his mom. Good or bad, he is still gonna love his mom.

My foster kids that I used to have still loved their parents. Half the time their dad beat them, they did drugs, their mom didn't take care of them, but they still loved them.

I hope I shed a little bit of light on the situation. Be patient, forgiving and understanding. He will love you all the more for it.

7

Thanks for making me smile. Good call on saying he was the only child because you are right. The divorce was super hard on him. It has been I want to say six years since the divorce. I mean thats not all she makes him do though. His jobs include anything from mowing the lawn to repaneling the house to redoing the stone walk path and since he is no professional she gets pissed that it isn't perfect and yells. She is a good yeller.

I still like her alot. She just makes me sad sometimes. She has dealt with a lot and I understand her side, just a lot of the time she really doesn't ever look outside herself to see that others have feelings too. You know? Once she was mad that a friend that was also helping with the house had to cancel fixing the porch because his wife had a stroke. And she said "why does everything happen to me?" I was a little taken back by that comment.

But thank you for giving me another point of view :)

allee

8

Well, it sounds to me like she is still jaded and miserable with her life and herself then. If that is the case, no matter what someone does, she will not be happy.

The same rules still apply with the boundry setting. It's gonna be up to him.

Hang in there sweetie!

9

Allee - just read your post about being afraid the therapist at your school will judge you. Just want to reassure you that good therapists are non-judgmental and that she or he has probably dealt with this many times. If for some reason you feel you are not being treated well by your therapist I encourage you to speak up and and talk to the therapist about it and/or ask for another one.

10

Aaah yes...the boyfriend's mother. I know how that one goes. My boyfriend is 19..and adult; and his mom does not trust him at all. She sets early curfews for him, makes up ridiculous rules, and I just know she doesn't like me...she is also divorced. We don't have that many conversations, actually, I can't remember a full conversation I've had with her...and its coming up to 9 months with my boyfriend!
I know I don't like her at all and when we get married (not if, because we plan on getting married...hehe) I'll have to deal with being related to her, I love my boyfriend too much to give him up because of her.
I agree with setting boundaries too. Mike is in school now and his weekends are his only free time. He shouldn't have to spend every one traveling to his mother to do MORE work. But that decision has to come from him. But there's not issue bringing it up.

As for the meal plans and food...these kinds of periods happen. It's quite ******, but I've been through them...and still do. But as I've gotten stronger...they are less and less and shorter times.
But really...look at all the stress you're going through. I know for me stress is a very big trigger for my EDs, so between Mike's mother and school...things are going to be a bit tougher. But just remind yourself this time WILL end. Things will start looking up :)

Try to get through tonight, and maybe don't go to that party you speak of. No one should pressure or force you into something you don't want to do...especially if it's going to stress you out. You deserve a night to cuddle up on the couch and watch a movie :) Let your mind rest.

And remember...tomorrow is a new day, full of new potential. A day to start fresh and new :)

Good luck Allee :)
Paige xoxo