my senior year of high schol and the beginning of my first year of college, I was dating a guy pretty seriously. once I started college, we were doing things long distance. he came to visit me a few times and then things started getting weird. he always sounded so depressed and became desparate to see me. I told him he could come for a visit that weekend so he did. when he got there, he was really affectionate. more than usual. my roommate was gone and things started to get too serious for me to feel comfortable so I told him to stop but after ten minutes or so, he had made me feel too scared to say no and stand up for myself again. I mentally checked out as he took advantage of me in spite of his "love" for me. the things i remember most about what happened were that he told me afterwards that i had to promise to marry him and the smell of his ejaculation on my skin. I wanted to throw up. after that he abused me four more times within the next few weeks. I was furious but I felt powerless. he had convinced me that he was the only person who would ever understand me or love me. after we broke up I went on an angry sex rampage with the next guy I dated only a month after. he was addicted to porn and didn't treat me much better and made me do all kinds of things to fulfill his fantasies. many involved him ejaculating on my skin and I always smelled it. now I'm with a genuinely loving and compassionate guy whose main concern is making sure I feel safe and loved. we're currently engaged (yay!) and have an incredibly healthy, open, and constructive relationship.
my main concern is now healing and being the best I can be for him and for myself to continue into a healthy marriage. how can I learn not to feel sick when I smell it again? I want to be free from that aversion as I start my life with him because I want to be able to please him and show him he's loved and appreciated without sex necessarily. help?
i would possibly think about going to therapy and maybe in time with healing and as your relationship progresses hopefully it will not be an issue. sexual assault affects people differently. that may be something that you may never get over or will take a long time to get over. i am scared of the dark. i used to have a really hard time being home alone in the dark. due to a situation that had happened to me.if i was alone i was on the phone with somebody or i was scared crapless. one time i had a panic attack and thought i was dying i freaked out so bad. some how after the years have gone by i have bulit up courage and am not as afraid to be alone in the dark. i carry pepper spray on me as well. as far as going walking in the dark that is not going to happen because my fear levels and anxiety are really high and i would freak out thinking someone was going to jump out around a corner and get me. therapy has helped me some. i am glad that i did go because my therapist help me understand why i was feeling the things that i felt. we all need healiing. i know sometimes it is hard to open up about stuff like this believe me i know but it may be something to think about. i am truly sorry for what you are going through and congratulate you on your engagement.