Things are tough right now

I am struggling with as I put it my other world. When I am facing that I am more comfortable for some stupid reason in that world, than the real one, but I know that one better. I feel like I am addicted to the choas. Sickens me to think that. I am not doing well with coworkers right now and where I work there is only 3 of us. But since they found out about my illness they have joked and said not so nice things and treat me different. Last time I felt this desperate I called a suicide hotline, bu

t due to that was taken in on a 5150 hold, not by choice, so right now feel like I can nto trust them to talk to them and be honest and open. Any more I am jsut scared of my life and everything about it. I feel like there is no point to me being here any more and people would be so much better off if I was gone. I am figthing and will get thru this, but when I deal with both worlds it jsut seems exhausting at tiems and I jsut want to have to deal with one. I have not been sleeping well either lately which always adds to my problems. I know I say I am addicted to the chaos, but I jsut want a breather for a second. And right now I want to run away and get away from this , but what am I running from other than myself. I am jsut tired.

Van

Hey Van, I understand your pain. Though I am not in your shoes I have been suffering from the same kinds of thoughts and feelings. I feel like I am addicted to Chaos too. Whenever things are peaceful and quiet and I really have no problems I think something is wrong. Actually for me I get paranoid thoughts like the devil is doing things for me and that God hates me and on and on it goes...Most days I spend going from one thought to another hoping to resolve all the non-sense that goes on in my head. It is like a never ending wheel of thoughts with no resolution..8 yrs. ago I ended up in the mental hospital because I was hearing voices and I was thinking I was changing into something evil..Now I still fight those thoughts and sometimes they are frightening. I guess I do get some comfort hearing that others are struggling too. Just knowing I'm not alone or somehow "special" in my suffering is a comfort to me. Are you on meds for you problem? Do they help?

I am glad to hear it to that I am not alone in this world that seems so large of people yet no one understands your thoght process. As for medication I am on a few, they work to a point, but as my pdoc says he would like to see me on like zyprexa or serachol, I know I spelled that last one wrong. When I did take zyprexa it helped much more than the stuff I am on now, but my insurance is not the best so I have to do with what they will cover for the most part. Life jsut seems liek at times it is kicking you in the butt day after day, and even though the chaos makes you feel alive it also tires you out where you want to jsut have some peace, but when you get that peace you feel in my mind dead.

Van glad your talking it through here & please get some help honey that way you'll find some relief & be able to feel better, let us know what you decide. Keep talking w/us if & when you feel like it.

Take care of you.

April

April, I thank you for just seeming like you care. When you feel alone to know some one cares means a lot. I struggle it seems liek day to day. Some days seem much harder than others. I had a session today with my therapist and some times I wonder why did I go. Some times I feel like I am even with him talking a foreign language and he does not hear me. The way I look at my life is the fact of a light in my mind. When that light is full on and shines bright I see the good and see what I want in life, but that light has not been like that for a few years. It goes from a dim light to a light (just not bright) but altely just to keep it atleast dim I am finding a challenge. Last few days I feel like it is going out and I hold on to the thought of my personal trainer (one and only friend ) i have and how much he is there for me and I have to fight for at least him. But that struggle and he is what makes that light still be on even if it is dim, I am scared it is going to go off. I am scared of my life and where it is headed, and scared of the past and things I did due to this illness that at the time myslef and no one around me even knew I had it, but during that time I did many bad things and I can not let that go or fogive myself for those things and unless I can I can not ever see a bright light again. I do not deserve it to be bright. I feel I am an evil person and I can not change the fact I did these bad things in my past. And scared I will not be able to live with these things.
Van

When things are too peaceful in my life, I start to get real paranoid, so I can relate to the whole chaos thing. I can also relate to being scared of where life is headed. I came off a recent break from reality and things have drastically improved with medications, but I realize I'm never going to be a normal person. I accomplished a lot in my past, but it seems hard to do simple tasks these days. I'm not sure if I have any real advice for you, but I do relate to the same things.

K9 I'm so sorry for your pain that you've endured & as you can see there are other here that can relate to your feelings that are very justified. Please keep going to therapy & if you feel the need to change therapists then do so if your sensing they are not meeting your needs or relieving some of the symptoms/issues.

All my strengths.

April