This is IT

Hey everyone-

I haven't been writing much at all recently, I've fallen pretty deeply into ED. I became okay with isolating myself, with giving in to ED. Last night I binged and usually afterwards I end up hating myself. Instead.....I hated ED.

This distinction was a huge moment for me. I speculated about how my life would be different if I was simply me, unfettered by this demon. Today I woke up with my stomach hurting but my head clearing. Today is the beginning of the end for ED. I'm going to try my absolute hardest to fight for what I once had- happiness. Pure happiness that wasn't at the beck and call of ED or under the influence of food.

I know this is going to be extremely difficult. In fact, I'm terrified as I write this. I'm going to need a lot of help in this battle, I'm even going to push through my fear of getting professional help, because I know that to fight this I'm going to need it. Monday, I'm making the call.

Today I'm going to try and eat those scary 'unsafe' foods- in moderation- and I'm going to try and not distract myself from my food. Usually I use books or TV to take my mind off of what I'm eating, which leads to consuming more than I should. Or less. Depends on the time of day.

Whew. All right, here it goes. Thanks for being there for me, to listen to my rants :)



Cat....I'm glad to hear that you plan to call about seeing a professional. I have wondered about you, but I never want to invade on anyone's privacy. Please know that I am thinking about you, and I hope to hear about what you find out about getting help!
Take care..Jan ♥

Thanks Jan, you're really sweet to think of me. I'm trying more actively to get better, I'm seeing signs of it actually, but....of course seeing those signs is really depressing. Gaining weight especially. I know I have to push through it and reassure myself it's for the better but it's making me sad. And it's not like I can escape myself, I can't just go somewhere else. The feeling just follows me everywhere

It is hard to see that what feels so bad, is what you need the most. Truly though, the more you push through it, the easier it will be, and the rewards are immeasurable.
Please try to believe that it's not YOU that you want to get away from, it's the ED that has kidnapped you!
Take care....Jan ♥

Cat, I am so proud of you. You really hit onto something that will make all the difference in the world to you. You're doing great.