Today I am feeling so bad inside. Just like,.... dead or broken and so so tired. I'm so tired. I feel like everyday I carry a few entire freight trains of emotions and memories and responsibilities and hurts and failures on my back. I'm tired.
The thing is, I know I am so incredibly lucky! I was born completely healthy! Not only do I have food and clothes and shelter I have them in a 1st world country of vaccines, and clean water, and luxury!!!!!! When I think of everything I could be without I feel spoiled rotten by karma! No one beats me. No one rapes or assaults or molests me (anymore). While I do have a heart-breaking disease that renders me infertile and paralyzed with pain at the ripe old age of 21 it is not terminal, it does not put me under the knife or for intense stays in the hospital like some diseases. My vision is less than half of what it should be but I can still get around and even without corrective lenses I can do a little if I absolutely have to. Even though I am out of shape I am young and thin and I do turn a few heads. I live in a country were woman have rights to things as basic as opinions and knowledge! My family is far below the poverty line but we don't have to kick rocks for fun... I mean I could write a giant book on all the things I am lucky for!
I keep forgetting where I am going and this is beginning to be a big stupid incoherent mess of alternating self pity and positive assertions and I want to be above that. Basically everything hurts and feels bad today, not the worst, but bad and that's a blow from my high and small success yesterday.
I don't need any sympathy on this although if you have it thank you so much for listening and understanding I just wanted to say how I feel and let you know that all your care and love and support have really taken the lead shoes off of my day. I feel really bad but not hopeless. And that is a **** good start.
Now I'm going to go eat ice cream and cry until it's all that's left to pour out of my eyes. (wow that's a really gross mental picture. too late- wrote it) Well I'm not really going to do any of that but I am going to go off and just let myself feel miserable for a while.
Crossing my fingers that all of you are having better days.
I know! if you would like to comment, I would love to hear any stories about a great time you had. Or a time you overcame a hardship or a hope that you will be able to next time! Whatever you would like to say I would like to hear, this is just an idea.
Thank you so much, your message really touched my heart with all the support and kindness in it. Yes I have heard that and I was actually kind of thinking of it as I was off to be miserable after this post lol. Your message really cheered me up I would love to co-create some laughter!!
My BPD reminds me of when my daughter was going to school for the very first time. She was so worried and nervous about it (I was too), she cried and kicked and screamed when I took her to school. It broke my heart to leave her there, but I did. At the end of the school day I went to go get her and she was so excited to tell me about what a great day she had, the new kids she met and went on and on. Then I said to her; "well tomorrow will be even better when you go back". She screamed; "WHAT? I have to do it again tomorrow?!" In her child mind this was a one time deal, do it once and get it over with, broke my heart to tell her she had about 15 more years of school ahead of her! That's my BPD. Every day I have to wake up with the knowledge that I have to do it again. But ultimately I can make the choice of how I handle it. Only I can control my actions and thoughts. So what I began doing about 2 years ago was keeping a notebook by my bed and the very first thing I do is write down what I'm grateful for that very moment. I just write one thing. Some days I have to really push it and it might be that I'm grateful for my toes-cause I think I have really weird but cute toes. Some days it might be that I'm grateful to have a real bed to have slept in. The point is, I don't "allow" myself to get out of bed until I've written one thing down. At that time I'm also looking over what I was grateful for the day(s) before. Then throughout the day when it feels like life sucks I say to myself "yeah but at least I have cute toes" (what ever was on my list for the day). It may not be a life changing thing, but sometimes it does offer me a laugh.
wow, thank you so much for your comment! It gave me such a hopeful new perspective on BPD. Knowing someone (even online) has been learning to manage life with BPD makes me feel, well, like I’m not alone and like getting through (or on some days just surviving) each day for the rest of my days is possible. That is an amazing analogy for BPD and I think it is also relatable to people without it, such as my boyfriend who tells me that he doesn’t experience the world the way I do so can’t relate to me like I need. That is also a really fantastic idea for coping with the day to day and I am planning on starting it in the morning. Maybe even before bed! Thank you so much for sharing your great insight!
Hey Domestic, sorry it took me so long I had a really rough week and lost track of what I had and hadn't responded to. I'm pretty sure that the next day I was the opposite! High as a kite off life and ...well something. Then I felt like someone cut the string and it was storming!!
Lately I have been feeling a little more even. It's taking a lot of work but knowing I'm not alone and people DO care about me really helps me stay in check more or less. I am sending you a BIG HUG because every time I see your comment they are just so nice!!!! I hope you are having a nice day!
why thank u hon im having the type of day that belongs to nightmares but its ok cos the floor is no longer flooded the ceiling didnt fall down and now its all sorted its funny to think that two little boys and a couple of boats can make so much damage and mess
i can understand the manic emotions of the roller coaster ride hon but sometimes its highs and lows are not that far apart when u reflect on them
I'm really sorry to hear that. I am almost afraid to ask in case you are serious. I do imagine that you have an upstairs bathtub though and they were playing sea captains...
Thank you, that is a very interesting thought. I will have to think more on it. Well I hope that your day gets much better!
boys will be boys and yes they flooded the bathroom being sea captains
its only in our own minds that the highs and lows are so far apart cos we are the ones out there im sure when i saw the sea of water seeping under the door this morning it looked far worse than it turned out to be but at the time it was a gothic nightmare of water and wanted to scream
life is not as bad as we think it is in others minds
I would love to co-create some laughter!!