This is my first post on here. I found out about this website while searching for groups for Borderline Personality Disorder.
When I was younger, after a suicide attempt, I was diagnosed with BPD. Somewhere in the mix of changing doctors that diagnosis got lost and my diagnosis became generalized anxiety disorder and depression. For years I have ridden the roller coaster of my symptoms. Throughout certain periods of my life I have experienced times of relief, where things weren't THAT bad, but then they would always come back. I didn't understand how everything I experienced could just be depression/anxiety (not that that can't be hell). I later became a Psychology major. I wanted to help others, and I wanted to understand. One day everything clicked. I had been in denial for so long that what I was facing was actually BPD. To me a personality disorder was this big scary thing, and I was afraid people would find me crazy. In my mind depression and anxiety was at least easy to explain to other people. It was easier for others to wrap their minds around. Afterall if I told someone that when I get panic attacks or really upset it takes everything in me not to want to grab a knife and run in the other room-- that probably wouldn't go over so well. I should also mention for many year I had used self harm as a form of coping. It has been two years since I have done this, but as anyone with BPD knows this is extremely hard. Sometimes that was the only way I could find relief. Anyway, that about sums up my story. For the most part anyway. Now I am struggling with coming to terms with this. What does this mean for my future? How will I have a normal future? It's hard enough for me to cope with a part time job, school, boyfriend, and life. I don't know how to have normal relationships. I don't know really how to function normally. BUT I am trying. I guess I came here because I'm tired of feeling alone. I don't know anyone else like me. How do you cope?
my coucelor seems to believe i have borderline personality disordrer so i am on looking for some support. i am constantly stresse out, cant ever stop moving, always have to be doing someting. Does anyone have any suggestions for me please
bpd can be hard to manage, but i definitely understand what you're going through and i'm sure many other people here do, too. something that helps me is looking at things in different perspectives. when i overreact, i try to tell myself that i am overreacting. when i am angry, i try to find solace in things that are comforting to me (my hobbies, etc). when people close to me leave or are distant, i try to remind myself that they are likely busy and it is probably not because of something i did or because they hate me.
relationships can be tricky with bpd. all of my romantic relationships of the past have either been volatile or straight out abusive. i'm still trying to figure things out. i have a very supportive boyfriend now, though. i'm lucky. it's important to surround yourself with people who understand and will not run the other way when things get difficult. sometimes you may throw angry words at them, but it's good to make them understand that you don't mean it if it happens. if people are demonizing you, making you feel like you're "crazy" or anything, then it's best to cut them out of your life. surround yourself with people who understand.
school was hard for me, but i powered through and now i'm a graduate with a degree. you can do it, too! some schools offer disability services for people experiencing the extreme negatives of mental illness, so you can always look into that. if not, talk to professors. they may understand. it can be hard to open up, but when you find people who care it's worth it. sometimes school has to take a back seat to your mental health, though.
hope this might be reassuring at least a little bit c: trying it most important.
@adriana_92 Thank you so much for sharing. I have never really talked to anyone else with BPD so it is really refreshing. I try to find solace in the fact that I am getting older so my friends and I lead busy lives. I also try very hard not to take things personally. Lately, that has just been a little hard. I've realized that most of my friends are "good time" friends, so I can't reach out to them. The other close friends I have a hard time reaching out to because they either don't understand or I feel like I'm a bother. Most of my friends ironically see me as that happy bubbly person, so I guess I don't want to let them down. This leaves me often feeling very lonely. It also leaves me feeling like I'm always there for others, but no one is really there for me.
My relationships have also been very volatile. I spent a lot of time single, trying to figure myself out. I thought I had finally gotten to a good place, until I met my boyfriend. It seems as if ever since I met him my symptoms have become much more less manageable than before. This is very difficult and I'm not really sure what to do. Fortunately, he loves me enough to try to learn with me. I just hate feeling like I hurt him. I can't help but feel like its a chore to be with me. Also, sometimes it's hard for him to understand-- which in turn makes it harder for me to control my outbursts.
I'm working on building a support system. I guess for so long I have been ashamed of this so it is very difficult for me to get close to people. I am afraid of them knowing this side of me. That's great that you graduated! It definitely is tough, but I'm almost there! I use to have disabilities but since I switched to an online program I have tried not to use it.
As I mentioned before, I actually was okay for awhile until I met my current bf. I went back on medication, quit smoking, and it has been a whirlwind ever since. This roller coaster is a pain!!
@fakeplasstictree i can definitely understand that :c bubbly people often have their problems pushed aside because people insist that since they seem happy they must simply be happy, but it isn’t always the case.
aw i can definitely understand that, too. sometimes relationships tend to stress me out a lot more than they should. i’m very afraid of boyfriends telling me they love me and i feel like i am subconsciously trying to push them away before it can happen. i’m trying harder this time and being a lot more open. sometimes reminding yourself of where you stand in terms of your mental illness can help. if i’m about to explode at my boyfriend for no good reason i kind of take a time out and remind myself that he didn’t do anything wrong and i can’t hurt him like this because he’s a nice, sensitive guy who cares about me ahah. honestly, bpd tends to really work against you :c it makes you think things about yourself that other people know aren’t true.
and that’s good c: support is really the most important thing. i try to be very open about having bpd these days with new people. i work it into conversations kind of nonchalantly because i want to be upfront but i don’t want to scare people off. it can definitely be scary, though. i think it’s something you need to face head on and it gets easier slowly.
aw that’s good to hear you quit smoking! i definitely feel you. the roller coaster is very hard to manage. perhaps it would help you to talk about your boyfriend with this stuff in a gentle way.
Yes! You just hit the nail on the head. I always feel like I'm subconsciously trying to push those who tell me they love me away. It's almost like I want to see how far I can push to see if theyll stay. It's been a bad habit I have had since I started getting in relationships. I try to do that, but sometimes he seems to trigger my stuff. I need to start doing the time out thing. Sometimes I find that hard because it comes on so quickly. How long have you guys been together if you don't mind me asking?
Ugh yes, BPD definitely works against you-- at least it feels like that. It's so hard to real those thoughts in when they start to spiral. That is great that you are so open about it! I wish I had that courage. Maybe one day. I work in the mental health field, so lots of time I feel like people wont take me seriously if I tell them (coworkers). I'm just very accustom to pushing down my feelings and hiding most of the day. I think youre right though, it is something to face head on.
Right now with him I'm trying to help him understand. Articles and other first hand accounts from people dealing with BPD seem to help.
@codesandkeys yeah :c i find that one of the hardest things to manage. i feel like i definitely do that, too. i tend to come off a little bit manipulative because i try to get reactions out of people sometimes. it’s usually for very minor things, but i know it’s still wrong of me.
we’ve only been together for two months, but i’ve known him for ten years! this is the healthiest relationship either of us has ever had ahaha. he also gets what i go through because he himself has psychosis and he’s met a lot of people with bpd while he spent time in detox a couple years back when he was struggling with a major drug addiction.
what about you and your boy?
yeah c: things honestly feel a little lighter when you open up but at the same time it can leave you vulnerable if someone decides to be cruel.
i imagine work situations can be even harder :c
and good! that’s a great start
Ah yes, I have done that too in the past. I have definitely gotten better at recognizing why it is I'm doing it and just asking for what I want-- but I still slip up from time to time. That's great! I'm happy for you two. I hope it works out for you!! It must be nice that he can relate to you in some aspects. I'm sure it makes working through this stuff a little easier. My boyfriend and I have been together almost a year. It use to be the healthiest, until I let myself get in the way a bit. It has taken quite a toll on our relationship, but we're working through it. I've done a lot of work on myself outside of being in a relationship, so now it's time to do the work while in one. I'm really trying to learn how to have a healthy/normal relationship. Luckily for now, he is willing to work with me. They definitely do feel lighter
@codesandkeys yeah, it can be hard but it gets easier to manage over time.
thank you c: it is great. we’ve been through many similar events in our lives, so he understands more than most people.
aw well i’m glad to hear you’re working through it! i hope things get easier
Couldn't have said it better myself. Its such a lonely disorder sometimes. And I feel bad for my own boyfriend, because I can't imagine how hard it must be to deal with me. I'm constantly up and down and up and down. All my relationships are constantly on the rocks. I'm either pushing them away, are trying to pull them too close. Still trying to find that happy medium.
@adriannahibbz I am still trying to find the happy medium too. I wish you the best of luck in your journey!! It really is a lonely disorder, but at least we know there are other people out there fighting the same battle. I often feel bad for my boyfriend. I wish I could make it easier on him because I know he didn;t ask for this, At least we are loved
Its very enlighting to read your posts. You sound exactly like the guy I was in a relationship with. This is very helpful to me. Thanks for sharing your lives. Id like to learn more about this.