This is rough waters!

So a few weeks back I decided to stop playing video games, I have been playing them for well over 20 years. I decided to completely get rid of them all.

I can't believe how insanely hard this is!

I have been having fits of depression, so bad I had plotted out a way to kill myself the day after my daughter turned 12, how messed up is that!?

I even had my first episode of anxiety, we had family friends which we have known for many years stop by to say "hi" and I had to leave the house and basically hide out back until they left.

Now my wife's birthday is tomorrow and she has planned for all of us to go to a mexican resteraunt with 20+ friends and then to the bar, for drinks. I am so very scared that I can't sleep hence the reason I am writing this.

On top of all this I am now showing signs of jealousy, She said something to one of her co-workers that is male and now I absolutely hate him. but if I off myself maybe she will be better with him?

Heck, I have already gotten rid of all my stuff, except some clothes, even family pictures.

Not sure if a therapist is what I need or if I should just tell my wife? maybe both? I hate not knowing what my emotions are doing, it seems like they don't ever want to stay in one place.

Well thanks for reading my ramblings, I just wish I can do the right thing!

Hi Ashen, thank you so much for being here and for sharing with us. I absolutely think that you should open up to your wife about your depression and also talk to a therapist. Make an appointment as soon as you can and start regular sessions. You will make it through this and come out better and stronger on the other end.

If you would like to share what is causing your depression, that would help us better support you. Know that you are not alone.

I just came home drunk and mad. so I apologize in advance for spelling errors.

We where at the bar having a decent time, and I asked my wife to dance with me, she said no, but immediatley danced with a guy friend. I just left and came home to cry my eyes out. I hate myself so much now!

I apologize for the double post in advance.

I have figured out that tonight is the night , instead of waiting for the money to buy a gun, I am just going to draw a bath and and grab a razor.

My wonderful wife deserves more then I can ever possibly give her, I know my kids will suffer the greatest. but in the end they will hopefully get a man that can support and secure the future of my family. Hate and can't are too strong of words for me to deal with, I have no more friends/family to support me, ( I know thats a bit selfish) but in the end my wife will find a guy that can give her exactly what she deserves!

Gosh honey, my heart goes out to you & you have friends right here that care & will support you, you need to talk to us. Your family needs you & you need to go speak w/a counselor/therapist, please go to the nearest hospital for HELP that way they can lead you to starting to feel better & talk things through.

You DONT want to do this, we're here, we care about you & so does your family. C'mon now work w/us, talk to us.

So I failed at that, couldn't do it.

I know I desperately need a counselor, but alas no money.
Today though is a little better then last night. if I ever want things to be right I have a long haul ahead of me, my Wife cried her eyes out for 2 hours last night in the bathroom of the bar and here I was thinking about suicide.

She ended up spending the night at a friends house to clear her head, I sat in a cop car talking to a very nice police officer. Don't get me wrong I had did nothing illegal, except walk on the sidewalk at 2 am with no shoes on. boy that was dumb too.

My wife is back home now sleeping in or bed exhausted from the ordeal I put her through, I just want to know why I decided to leave the bar instead of talking to her.

I hate that I am turning this into all about me when it needs to be about my family, depression is killing me. up and down a lot!

and thanks April for the kind words.

There are other ways of seeking counseling, sometimes for free, I dont know about your area, but you could try google & see if there are any behavior health clinics in your area to attend that maybe the state would pay for in your circumstances, what have you got to lose in trying to seek other coping skills/modifications to try out & find what works best for you & someone to guide you through this. Am sure your aware of this, alcohol IS a depressant so that isnt helping you to progressing to your ultimate goal. You know you want this, thats why your here talking w/us. Are you on any medication?

No meds at all, I just want to be the person I know I can be, and need help, to find the path.

Hi Ashen, how are you doing and feeling today? What is it that you would like to be when you wrote "I just want to be the person I know I can be"?

I think that it's so important for you to seek counseling or even a group in your area that can help you through this time.

April is right, there are a lot of options for counseling out there. If you can do some research online, I'm sure you'll find good options that work for you.

Please know that we are here for you and here to help you through this as much as we can.

I Just want to be a happy, a simple happy person!
I used to never feel self loathing or anxiety. I always knew the right thing to do and was able to get it done.

With the sudden change in my life style though I am always thinking about just me and never the bigger picture, and I really dislike that.

My wife even has Lupus so any stress will cause flare ups and be very painful, which of course she is dealing with one on her leg for the past few days. All because I acted like a freaking tool.

I do feel 10X better today though, still no way to relieve my stress or anxiety yet, (I don't even watch T.V. unless my wife watches one of her shows and I am spending time with her.) but I had a friend call me last night whom I haven't talked to in years because he is going to school to be a pediatrician and working full time. So he never has time.

He called me at 10:30pm in the middle of his organic chemistry test, he simply said, "I had a feeling I had to call and talk to you." We ended up talking for hours!

He was very shocked at the way I acted because that was very uncharacteristic of me. Apparently I have to find a way to release dopamine into my system the way playing games did for 20+ years. So what I have been going through is a very bad chemical imbalance.

Anyway this post is long enough thank you two for taking time to talk with me and help me through this. I'm not going anywhere I definitely enjoy this place, and amazed at the help you guys do! keep it up!

Thanks puppydoglvr and April. Btw my wifes name is April =D

Excellant advise from your friend & very true, the mind turns into jello & cant duplicate/produce the necessary chemicals needed to function properly, so thats a good start. Food has alot to do with certain mental balances too. We are what we eat huh.

My daughter in laws mother has lupus, so all my strengths to your wife, be good to her.

April

Hi Ashen, thank you so much for the update. I am so happy to hear that you are feeling so much better, and that you were able to have such a good long talk with your friend. Your mind and body became so accustomed to game playing for 20+ years, that of course it's going to take some time to adjust. If you can be patient through this process, and the key is to start finding healthy alternatives as a stress relief for you. Can you exercise? That's an amazing stress reliever. Even a walk and some fresh air do a world of good. Do you have any hobbies that you've been wanting to take up?

Please keep sharing with us, we are here for you.

Thanks Puupydoglvr! means a lot.

I have been excercising through dancing, 1 hour a day. My wife even does that with me.

I really want to get back into sword fighting, and playing pool but I only want to play pool with my wife seeing as I dislike bars. lol

Sword fighting I used to do every sunday but I had quite because my kids where born. it's also very hard for me to leave the house with my wife having lupus since UV rays are not a good thing for her at all. I am also the only driver so I gotta make sure kids get to school, horseback riding, basketball, etc

another words games where an easy way to have something to day at home w/o worrying about where to go or how to get there. The hardest part of course was not having support not many friends. a stay at home dad with little friends and 0 family for help.

Hence why I am very grateful you are taking the time you have to help my out!

Ashen, I love that you and your wife dance together, that's so wonderful. Try implementing home activities, any new hobbies that you have interests in. Are there any home improvements that you've been thinking about? Anything positive that makes you feel good and mixes things up for you. Also, maybe see what's manageable in terms of getting out of the house. We are here for you, please keep sharing.

It's hard, I'm just a home body now, especially since the kids.
We do things of course, like the park and other things we have the kids signed up for, but a lot of that I have to take the kids alone since my wife can't be in the sun for too long.

Home projects, I am always on top of. even while playing the games. I kinda like having things taken care of. New hobbies? I can't think of any off the top of me head.

Is it wrong that I just want to spend time with my wife as much as possible? She wants me to befriend her friends so we can all hang together but I messed that up lol.

Heck all her friends, she works with. I used to go into her work to pick her up...probably not anymore!
I did do the right thing and got a hold of a lot of her friends and apologized to them. Won't ever be the same though.

Now though I am beating myself up because I kinda feel justified in my actions. It took me a good few minutes to work up the courage to ask my wife to dance with me too horrible karaoke music, especially in front of her friends in a bar, and she told me "No" then danced with someone else right after wards.

I am a guy it took me a lot to ask her. Then rejected by the one person I thought would never reject me. I actually seriously think I might just be her babysitter/maid. but I probably shouldn't think that. Heck she won't tell me she loves me, I always have to tell her first, She won't be the first to cuddle, (I know I'm a guy who like to cuddle) and with her Lupus Sex is hardly ever an option.

It's been that way for about 5 years now, So looking back I can see how easy it was for me to drown myself in bleeps and bloops, Oh and I have tried to talk to her about why she never initiates those things, and her reply is always the same, "I don't like pda." (Public display of affection.)

I guess what it all boils down to is I just want a little bit of affection a day w/o seeking it. and I know I probably made this bed, and forced her away to her friends more then me, just wish she would try too!

Oh and the dancing with my wife is, Just Dance on the wii in the living room, we don't play for score just the workout. I really, really want to learn to salsa dance with her but I doubt she will want to with me, maybe one of her other friends though lol.

Any way thats a long freaking post, thanks for trying to read it guys!

Need to clean the fridge out, do laundry and take the garbage out.

Oh man. I feel bad April, I totally missed one of your posts!

The food thing is a great Idea, but the food we eat has to be gluten free, so thats a tough one to get around.

And Lupus is a very tough and serious disease to work with just because of the uncertainty it brings. My Wife had her spleen removed because of it.

She is also very scared of driving because if she had a flare up while driving it could be horrible. So my heart and sympathy goes out to your step daughters mother.

Sorry again for missing it, not sure how that happened...selective reading apparently, lol.

Well today has been amazing, I had taken the kids to school and a neighbor lady who we are just meeting asked if she could come over for some coffee, and of course I wouldn't turn down more reasons to drink coffee!

Well we ended up talking a bit and wow, I am amazed at her resolve, she feels trapped in a loveless marriage and she broke down and cried, I felt horrible for her!

Anyway long story short I wanted to thank everyone on this site for being here, because with out this site I would not have been able to help out my neighbor in her time of grieving either.

A little help,kindness and support goes a long effin way thank you all!

I must say your an amazing person, your raising & forming the next generation while your taking care of your wives illness. It IS a break through that you two communicated & I'm sure as you two continue will find more resolve & compromise w/eachother for a better relationship & understanding of eachothers needs,wants & desires. Its a long road but must be done as we learn so much about one another & ourselves in the process.

Did you ask your wife how you might make things a little more loving/special in the marriage? & Did you let her know you need more cuddles?

Cyber Cuddle,

April

p.s. I tried sword fighting in my twenties UGH

Thanks April!

You know this morning I dropped her off at work and typically I hang my head over and ask for a kiss, but this morning was different, she kissed me first! I was shocked and amazed. I simply said "I love that" and drove home smiling!

Thats a good question to ask her, How can I make our relationship more romantic?

She knows I like a lot of cuddles but she physically can't cuddle as much as I would like. the most is sitting on the couch with her legs stretched on my lap, or I will get the brush and brush out her hair before bedtime.

Haha! Last time I sword fought I was in my twenties, too bad I'm working on losing some weight so I can move better before I can try again.

Thanks for the cyber cuddle! c'mon transporters!

Making someone feel special isnt that difficult especially when one knows there partners likes & dislikes even a little bit. A nice warm bath prepared without any motives attached to it but for "Just Because" (if you have a lil time) is a nice thought & free too. Sometimes a wonderful note hand written from you might help her feel special & too have the kids draw a picture to give her & that way she may feel appreciated, supported & loved.

A heart felt kiss from her today WOW, bet that made you feel a lil special huh :-)

Go get'em tiger.