This is the Beginning of my Ending Journey

So, I'm writing this literally from my hotel bed. Just released from the ICU yesterday after having fatal potassium levels. The doctors have labeled me a "case study" becuase by all medical guidelines I should not be alive. My husband is terrified. My parents are not surprised.

For the first time in 12 years, I WANT to change this. I have too much to live for - my amazing husband, my desire to start a family, my wonderful siblings. I'm terrifed. I'm taking short-term disability. I'm entering intensive out-patient treatment.

I have no idea where to begin. I have no sense of healthy meal portions. Nothing in my life resembles what people tell me is "normal" regarding food. This theory that this disease is not about food but about my emotions and how I deal with them is nonsense to me. But I want to do this.

To anyone who has been in this place, has moved forward and has made progress, PLEASE share your story with me, so I know this is something that can be done. Thank you and God bless.

im so sorry this happened to you and so glad you came out alive--thats fantastic! we forget EDS are deadly! deadly ... we think we can go on and on and nothing will happen but it can ( and did to me also).

you really do need to seek help/treatment and get an ED nutritionist to help with your eating patterns. yes--EDS are not about food but about underlying emotions. oh, the fear of food is really there but there are core reasons why that fear is there. thus, those reasons or emotions have to be uncovered or ED will not get resolved...

recovery is possible, it can happen, if there is a wil there is a way.
but you need the right help( therapist) and support and even nutrtionist( to help with your meal plan).

thanks for sharing and so glad you are alive

love
maureen

welcome to the site, IM!
im so glad you made it through, i can only imagine what shock that was for both you and your family. and it's great that you are finally reaching out. you definitely seem to have a lot to live and fight for, way more then ED can ever offer you. all it really offers is desperation, hatred and death.

i read in your profile that this is the first time for you to start recovery. so i assume you have never seen a professional? when will you start the OP and how intensive is it? how long for? sorry for so many questions but i wonder if IP yould be an option too?

do your family and friends know the reasons behind your emergency? are they supportive?

please keep talking to us and do look after yourself. accept any help you can get, this is nothing you should deal with alone.

take care!!

love
maedi

Hi Im just starting to want to change my life too. Finally went to a doctor about 7mos ago and when i got lab results it hit me that this horrible path im on is really doing more damage than i thought... they told me critically low potassium, sodium, iron, and calcuim levels. All the did was put me on vitamins and tell me to come back in a month of which i never did because I was afraid to have them start asking more questions. If it was as easy as taking an over the counter vitamin i would have done that years ago.
I dont know alot about ED just from the things i remember from treatment as a teen years ago but I know my ED has alot to do with abuse in my life and PTSD and BPD. If i could get the past erased maybe it would be easier but thats not going to happen so yes i agree with the emotions part to the whole thing have to look at the big picture.

Thank you so much for your responses. This is not my first time being in treatment, but this is my first time actually WANTING to be in treatment. In the past I've been forced because my parents were so concerned and desperate for me to get well. But being forced doesn't result in cooperation, and as soon as I became an adult, I ended any type of productive activity. I'm working on getting directly into a very aggressive out-patient program - 5 days/wk, all day. My husband and I feel that this would be productive because from day one I'll have to apply positive behavior to every day life. I'm just nervous about the mental aspect. I'm really in the dark about the emotional side of all this. To me it really has always seemed like just a habit based on food.

you are totally right, you need to want to get better, you need to want the help and you need to want to commit to treatment. it definitely won't work otherwise.
that in itself will help you through the tough times, and i believe there will be many. but ultimately it will give you your life back, to share it with your loving husband.

i always wonder too if my ED is not just there because i'm just a greedy pig who wants all the bad foods at once. but everytime i manage to not b/p or i force myself to eat more i realize why i really hold on to that ED. because i simply don't want to face those feelings, thoughts, those demons that would haunt me. i can numb all those with the food, i can supress them, i can empty myself of those things. or at least that's what ED tells me!!

facing those emotions will be hard and i understand your fear, but unless you stare them in the face they will always be there anyway!! you can do it, for sure!

xx

Welcome to the group and thank you for sharing that personal story with us. Deciding YOU'VE had enough of ED and WANT help is the toughest part of the whole process - you've already gotten through the worst, hang in there and remember the prize at the end of your journey: You get your life back♥