This might be an odd one, but how do you deal with feeling like you were never good enough for your parents? I was never as athletic as my dad wanted, (my mom swears he just wanted my brother and I to be athletic so we would be more popular and that he wasn't actually disappointed in us). My mom wanted me to succeed academically, which I did manage quite well right up until college when my anxiety hit/depresssion worsened and I dropped out of college because I hated it. Now they're both dead. So no changing things.
Guess I'm wondering if anyone has any advice on how they deal with that. I've mostly responded by growing incredibly hostile to anyone even knowing much about my life because they'll judge it (I think) and I hate that. (this may play a role in my social anxiety, not sure) Even the things that are going well I want to keep private, because keeping them private keeps them mine. I often feel very barren in terms of wants, dreams, accomplishments, etc, and I guard anything that feels like it's truly mine and not something I was led or forced into by my parents.
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You're not alone. I have the same feelings myself. The truth is, it's okay to be different. It's okay to want to keep something private for yourself. It's okay to not want to be judged by others. We tend to judge ourselves harsh enough, without having to worry about what someone else is thinking.
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Man, I'm really sorry you didnt manage any closure with your parents. I'm terrified my Mum is going to pass before I get the chance to rectify the fact that we dont get along in company but she has done so much for me. She's in really bad health and just does nothing about it. I think your Dad was being for real with what he said. He probably just made that human error of becoming to intense once he was invested, he lost sight of his original well wishes for you, I think you should believe him and take his word for it. Easier said than done, I know.
As far as your Mom goes... well, I just think the bottom line was the reason why they pushed you do hard is because they loved you and wanted the best for you. I think it would have concerned them less the immediate goals they asked to fulfill and more that your end result is that you ended up happy and they thought that the things they pressured you to do would bring that for you. If they were wrong about the means by which you would attain happiness, I think it was just simple miscalculation on their part. We all tend to get wrapped up in out material accomplishments, but I just don't believe that their love for you was ever hinged upon those things. Respect, I know this is a bit garbled but I hope it helps.
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@GabrielB Sorry, I’m headed to bed, just realized the error I made about what your Mother said but, honestly, Dad’s are never open about such underlying things and more proud to admit to them. Still, I say yours Moms acknowledgement of it and confessing it for him is even more proof that their underlying wishes were only ever for your well being. We have to forgive our parents their short sightedness, probably more than most because they’re blinded by their love for us which makes them want to see us become Presidents and Winston Churchills.
Totally had parents like that. I will think about this long and hard. If positive advice comes up, I will share.
Mom died when I waa five so my older sisters are the closest I have to moms. Dad wasn't too happy with my grades in highschool. Went to college for an semester. Dropped out because I hated it. Enlisted in thr military which was unexpected for my family. Do what you and make you happy. My family didn't really agree with me on dropping out. But who cares? Do what makes you happy.
I never worry about it, and I know I was a total let-down to my dad at least, and to mom in some ways, too, in about everything. I'm probably the black sheep in the family - I've always been "different," "quirky," "unusual," and have been fine with it. I was always shy. I quit college for one reason because I couldn't do the speech class or give presentations. I was just no way!! I did nothing for 7 years before getting a part-time job. I lived with them til I was 31 and got married finally. I quit band in high school, piano lessons after 7 years, married someone whose family they hate, and my son has Asperger's and a low IQ because of short-term memory problems, and it embarrasses them. He's not like my sister's super smart kids who have gone on to grad school and one now working on a Ph.D. I'll be lucky to get my kid through high school probably. But I'm fine with all that. If they can't deal, that's something they have to work on with themselves. Life is hard enough to deal with without worrying whether I meet their approval or not.
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Wow you guys are amazing. Thanks for all the responses.
-lordzhelper2, thanks for the sympathy and understanding.
-Gabriel, yeah you're probably right. I have a hard time accepting that it was just their way of caring. It's odd, I swear my memory actively tries to make the world seem worse.
-kaamini, thanks I'll try
-tweaver, sorry to hear you've lost your mom too, thanks for your understanding and sympathy.
-runwithwolves, sorry to hear you had to deal with that feeling as well
-ashabirdie, I'll try. Sorry you've lost your mom as well. Hope your family can come around to liking your choice.
-nammi_nammi, I like how you put that at the end, thanks for sharing.
phew, think I got everyone. If I missed ya, blame it on the early morning ;)
Thanks again for responding.
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