This question goes out to the spouses who decided to try and stay together...
It's 2 months past dday. My husband has been asking to stay. Zaying he finally knows what he wants, is sorry, etc. He started councelling and seems to be trying to be honest with all the insanely hard questions I ask him. I finally agreed to give it another go but I had conditions. Including;
1. Ending things with her. Like a real ending. And he has to be honest with her about how he feels about me and our family (he spent a year and a half telling her how much he hated me and I deserved this.. etc. )
2. He has to be honest with her husband and tell him everything... this is the second time and he deserves to know.
3. Continues counclling.
4. Anger management to deal with his rage issues.
5. All open passwords at all times..
Idk. What do you think? Has anything worked for your relationships? Or am I beating a dead horse that I should just bury?
Continue counseling. I am trying out a support soon. I said that it seemed to make him there was a little less pressure on him to figure things out. I just keep asking myself if I still love him. So far the answer has been yes. I didn't ask for the password stuff and all that. He got guilty and told me everything. Plus I don't want to monitor him and all that. To me it makes me feel too much like a parent. Really all I can say there is still something there for me in the relationship. If there is for you. You can only answer that question
@rimkussharon unfortunately mine didn’t tell me. He lied to me over and over for almost 2 years until I came home and found out for myself when he finally slipped up. I honestly don’t know if I’m still in love with him or if I just love him because of our past if that makes sense.
Im still so lost. But I do know that I’m not ready to put the kids through a divorce. And I don’t want to not have him here with me. It’s all I have right now.
Then that's enough for now. Sorry you are going through this. Good luck and peace to everyone
I gave my H a chance after finding out about his 2 year affair. He agreed to counseling and complete transparency. Like you, I wasn't ready to give up. Unfortunately my H did not follow through on my demands and started shutting me out of accounts after a month and eventually cheated again. I regret a lot of things in my marriage but I don't regret giving him another chance. No matter what happens I am leaving this marriage with the knowledge that I gave everything I could to my marriage. I made every effort to save us. When my children ask some day I can tell them with complete honesty that I did everything possible but their father was unwilling to do the same and the relationship was no longer a healthy or respectful marriage. You are not wrong to give your H a chance to save the marriage. No matter what you will be able to look at yourself and your children and be confident that you did everything you could. I know that must hurt to know H said those things about you but that may be the affair fog. He had to tell himself these things to live with the guilt of what he was doing. If you think it is worth it to try and than do it. Good luck.
@JCAL that’s a really good perspective. Thank you. I needed to hear it.
I'm 5 months since d-day. I gave H a similar list of conditions after I discovered his on-off four year affair. He's still sticking to the conditions and is showing remorse every day. Despite that I have mixed days and expect I will for a long time to come. Some days I don't think about the affair a great deal and we just swan along in the normal chaos of family life. Other days, like today, it knocks me for six the moment I wake up and I can barely look at him thinking about what he has done. He's starting to pick up on these mood swings and will hug me if he knows I'm triggering. I guess what I wanted to say was even if your H sticks to those conditions still expect to have some really rough days. I stayed because of the kids mainly and because H truly believes we can be better and stronger witha great future. Some days I can see that, others I feel like a fool. Good luck.
I know it's hard, we all do. I set boundaries asap. Told him to cut her off. But it was hard because she was working on his jobs site and attended his meeting , him being the supervisor she had To go through him. It was hard because she kept trying to purposely talk to him about what happened and asking him inappropriate questions. He would tell me and I wouldn't believe that's how he reacted. It was tough. I've only known for almost 4 months. I had him in gps and a phone tracker. Every time he had more than a 5 minute conversation with her I'd question him. I've actually caught many things on that tracker and don't regret it. He's tried lying and I would bring it up on the screen. He's learned that lying will always be revealed. He just started a new job but that doesn't help my trust issues. I've backed off the tracking for a bit. But I'll go back to it eventually when I have a trigger. I have a book and I write all the things I feel and want. He reads it everyday. I've bought him books and asked him to read them. He's trying hard. If the cooperate , than set your boundaries. Sometimes you gotta keep telling them what you really want and what it's gonna take to help you heal. They don't understand how badly they've crushed our world and I don't think they ever will. I wish you luck my friend.