Time to verbalize

Here I am, it’s 11pm staring at a blank screen trying to understand my own feelings. I’m torn. I understand that the idea of a menu is supposed to help and take weight off of my shoulders and for me to leave the thinking to someone else. I can’t. I’ll follow it as best I can as sometimes life gets in the way of life but either way I feel like I’m over-eating. Here I am sitting with this sensation in my stomach and I just don’t like it. And yet this is the road to recovery, feeling full is what ‘normal’ people are supposed to feel after eating. But do the thoughts ever come to these so called normal people about how they look and how this will affect their bodies? This is all that’s looping through my mind and I can't take it. I can't take it but I feel as though if I didn’t think about it… I’ll lose control and gain loads of weight. I simply believe I cannot control myself in this area and cannot trust myself.

I followed my menu today to its fullest, even more so! But I think this negative feeling I have won’t permit me to do so tomorrow. And I’ll restrict, to protect myself from today. I’d even go so far as to say protect my sanity. There’s only so long I could go on this menu without going berserk when I think about all that I put into my body in a single day. ‘Normal people’ say it is normal, even less so. But in my mind I just think, who cares what you do? This is what I’m doing and if not being normal is the price to pay; today I am willing to pay it.
It’s weird how in my head it all makes sense and is logical. Yet when I write it down or say it to my therapist it sounds ridiculous.

There are Ed's thoughts, and there are Taylor's thoughts. It can be difficult to separate the two voices since they are both inside of you. But the fact that your reasoning for continuing your eating disorder behaviors sounds ridiculous to you, is a clear indication that TAYLOR is hearing Ed's ridiculous ideas. :) THAT is a GREAT first step!! ♥

The meal plan... The human body has a great capacity for adjusting to what it gets. When we eat less on a consistent basis, our metabolism slows down. Our stomach shrinks, so it takes less food to feel full. With time, if you continue to follow your meal plan, it will become comfortable. You are still listening to your eating disorder. It's telling you that you're eating too much, and your body is uncomfortable, but you KNOW, rationally, that what you're eating is actually LESS than most people. I GET that... Writing it out here is soooo important, Taylor! :) I think it will really help you see the disparity between your voice and Ed's. The next step will be to challenge his rules. Turn them on their head, and act in the opposite direction. ♥ In time...

Sending lots of love!

Jen

Taylor,
Jen is right on, that you are beginning to see both sides, instead of only the ED 'voice'. It's a battle, but you can win it! I hope that today you are not feeling the need to compensate for eating what has been prescribed for you. Would it help to think in terms of your meal plan being your prescription? Food is the first step of moving beyond the eating disorder. Feeding your body and mind adequately and consistently will enable you to think more clearly, and not fall prey to the ED so easily.
What does restricting protect you from? Do you know what is at the root of those thoughts?
Thinking of you today, and wishing you more peace...take care...Jan ♥

Jen and Jan, thanks for writing those kind words of support! I really needed them and they did help! It's odd to actually think that there are two train of thoughts in my head. What do you guys make of this? How did you cope and how did your own voice win over ED's?
Jen, you wrote that the human body has a great capacity to adjust... so a body can adjust to 'normal' eating patterns and not gain unnecessary weight? That's a question that's been plaguing me. My dietitian says no but for some reason I'm not convinced...
Jan, I'm still working on what the root is of these thoughts. My therapist says it's like a tapestry and there are lots of threads that make up the tapestry so we uncovered one thread but apparently, there's a whole tapestry to go! :/
I'll try harder today. It isn't even like it should be difficult, I'm not on full on meals every part of the day. Here I thought when she wrote this I could easily adapt and follow but it's more of a challenge than I thought.
Thanks again for your insight and thoughts!
TJ

TJ,

It IS true! ♥ I struggled with that, too. It's hard to imagine, when one's food intake is increased so much and weight gain begins, that one will not just continue to gain weigh indefinately. But the body knows what it wants, even if you can't yet recognize what that is. Set-point. We all have one. I gained weight at my current calorie intake, and then I STOPPED gaining weight! I am now a normal, healthy size, NOT FAT, and am no longer gaining! ♥ Am I HAPPY with my size? Not really... Was I happy with my size when I was underweight? Nope. So, my BODY is happy. I need to maintain THAT while I work on getting my thoughts in order through therapy. :) It DOES happen, TJ! You CAN do this!! ♥

Much love to you!!

Jen

TJ...YES! Our bodies do adjust to being fed a normal amount, and our minds also heal as this happens. The two trains of thought will eventually become one, with the ED patterns being buried! The process may seem daunting and impossible, but as you move along, I know you will find yourself feeling stronger and more in control in a healthy way!
I have often thought of recovery as similar to peeling an onion, peeling layer after layer away, until you finally find your truth. It takes time, but during that time you are learning and growing in many ways if you remain open to the process. Good luck, and take care...Jan ♥

I want to thank you guys so much for your support! It truly helped, today was the first day I fully and wholly followed my menu without feeling any guilt! - Just thought I'd update y'all. It took me a week to get used to it but I think I did! I guess tomorrow I'll see if this is temporary or not... Is it possible to fall back?

TJ,

Yes, slips are part of the game. The important thing is to get right back on track. A slip does not have to lead to a relapse. If it happens, forgive yourself, and make the next best choice. :)

YOU DID IT!!! ♥ YAYYYY!!! :)

Love to you!!

Jen