Today is the beginning of working on me, I had to finally le

Today is the beginning of working on me, I had to finally let go, and after all of the bs I realized, that there was a pattern, Everytime I wanted to move forward with our relationship be "transparent" he would make me regret having such ideas, every time I wanted him to meet my friends he would pull this crap, he was full of empty ideas, we never went anywhere he said we would, weather it be a trip to Hawaii, skiing, a picknick, a cruise, he would fill my head with hope and never follow through, tonight he was supposed to meet my best friend and instead we broke up. It's been a while now I've been ready, and I almost spent $300 on cell phone monitoring software but I knew what my gut was telling me without wasting the money, I know he's unfaithful, and he never really loved me, it's just so hard to see reality instead of what I wanted. So many red flags and I just ignored them. He kept in personal contact with his ex's
He has a drinking problem, he was abusive, controlling, and never apologized for anything, he was ok with me neglecting my child to be with him. Yet I never put us first according to him. Unrealistic ideas with no patience, wanted to knock me up dispite it may kill me. Always about him. Told me once while drunk he wanted my life to revolve around him. And that's when I decide to start moving out. slowly. Packing and taking my stuff to storage. I stuck through The grieving time that he had to go through because his good friend died. Now that that's over I'm focusing on what I need to be doing and not what he wanted. I loved him but he didn't love me. And like a harsh dose of reality I needed to open my eyes and see it for what it is. Someone who is good to me sometimes, and then the worst because he didn't get his way. He lied, and was unfaithful, with dating apps on his phone, a w**re in so many ways, even his niece calls him one. An Impression I got from the beginning but I liked the "new" feeling that I felt. So I went with it. Man why can't I say "no"? Heres the worst part, I found out this morning im pregnant, figures right? I'm going to keep it and don't plan on telling him because it's not healthy to be in a relationship just because we have a child together. He doesn't love me so it won't matter anyways, After all this I know I am the one to blame for turning a blind eye and allowing this to happen to me. None the less he prayed on my vulnerability, and I ate it up. Smh why do we do these things? And why for so long? It really sucks to admit what you initially knew in the beginning and chose to ignore it. It reminds me of changing my outfit 10 times only to put back on the original first outfit I had on in the first place. It makes you realize the first impression really is what last. Alright I'm out. Thanks for listening I really have no one else to do this with. Sigh....

3 Hearts

Your not alone. I let my narcissist ex wife back in after I broke up with her early on in the relationship. It ended up costing me 15 years of torture and I will have to deal with her for a lot longer because we have kids... I wanted to think I could change her. If I just could love her enough... If I could just dedicate myself to her more. I put up with her drinking, drug use, abusive behavior. I even adopted her child as my own. I thought that all that sacrifice would at least earn me some loyalty. She ended up leaving me for some dude who was willing to provide her with all the drugs I was trying to get her to give up. Their selfishness knows no bounds. She abandoned me and her kids for some guy who was easier to manipulate. I think its the reason is love. We are in love with people who maybe don't feel love the same way we do. If they loved us the way we love them they would never be able to hurt us like they do. Just don't waste your life and sanity trying to change the unchangeable.

1 Heart

@SoloDad True, true, true. It gets to a point where you realize you can never make them happy. So the best thing to do is, try to make yourself happy. I bet after taking your ex back, you felt like you could have shot your big toe off for being fooled… AGAIN!

Read about the Narc mind. There is NO cure for Narcissistic disorder. They can get help.... but why? In their mind, You, Me, Him, Her has the problem. Not them.

1 Heart

he never ever took responsibility for his actions it was always cause and reaction (you caused this therefore this is my reaction). Once he told me “I would be better off if my mom died”. All I could think was who the hell do you think you are to say that? How dare you speak of my mother in any way negative, if I want to complain about something my mother did I have every right. But for that to be his response I thought strike one. He never apologize because he didn’t see anything wrong with it . His thought process was really bad, he thought he was doing me a favor by being monogamous, as if he was going out of his way to have to do so as if it wasn’t a norm to be with one person at a time. I requested him not to be with other people while he was with me and he said that he thought he could manage. Strike two. And then the drinking, every single day to the point of being belligerent sometimes, even after I explained to him how I grew up in a home of alcoholics it was a huge problem. I didn’t want him to stop drinking just not every day. And on top of it he didn’t think he had a problem, he was an abuser of alcohol and refuse to believe so, as a substance abuse therapist I kind of know what the hell I’m talking about when I see all the signs. He’s Korean and being the firstborn male in the family gave him this entitlement that he didn’t deserve, and he believed he could never do no wrong. I had to do all the work, I had to change to make him happy he never did anything nice unless he benefited from it. After he tried to turn my family against me my own son and any of my friends I thought maybe I did need to change so I tried but it was never enough he took me away from my husband and then expected me to be this perfect thing for him I barely even know you and within weeks he was calling me his wife? he was love bombing me like crazy and I saw it the whole time yet when I try to explain to him that I knew what was happening, (I was crazy)( I was the stupid one) (I didn’t know anything!) not that I didn’t go to school for this and I knew what I was talking about. I was just wrong about him because he was the anomaly the only one that had all the characteristics yet none of the issues that came along with them. He didn’t have a drinking problem but when I first met him he was going to AA because the last person he was with he attacked while drunk and the judge sentenced him to AA. But because the people there told him he wasn’t an alcoholic he believed he wasn’t an alcoholic just like he believed whatever he wants… I appreciate the response and the advice that everyone is given and I can only hope there’s more to come. I’m fighting every urge I have to message him especially about being pregnant. But all I see is him getting his way again and giving him more of a reason to contact me and I just want him to honestly f**k off already. Ok I’m done ranting, thanks for listening. Oh and I talk to text in my phone so if this sounds like a bunch of nonsense because that’s when my phone hears and I didn’t proofread before I hit send. Late! @constructionjim

Jim is correct. The narc will blame everyone in the world before accepting responsibility for their actions. Yeah I really screwed myself for letting her get back into my life. She had convinced me she had changed and unfortunately I was in a very lonely vulnerable space because she had previously cost me all my friends. I just wanted someone to love and to love me back.

1 Heart

@SoloDad Cost you all of your friends. Boy that’s true… I’ve had several friends that I liked well. But once I met their wives and saw how the wife belittled and hurt and shamed them. It was hard for me to be around them. It’s hard to watch a grown man allow himself to be beat down and basically a made into a wimp. And these men were big football player guys. Not the type to let someone make small of them. Not until they fell in love and were remolded into a house boy and a slave to make her happy. Which we know… they are never really happy. I’m glad I was never in a romantic relationship with a Narc. My childhood with a Narc father and Nark step sis taught me all I needed to know. I’m not a suicidal person. But I thought about it a lot as a teenager. An adult can pack up and leave. A kid is stuck in that living hell till he’s 18.

Yeah its embarrassing I'm 6'2, 220 lbs and have a decent build but I was (still am) scared of someone who is 5'7 120 lbs. Its funny because I was always someone who would always stand up for myself. After years of just being trained to let her have her way to avoid a complete meltdown on her part I did feel like a wimp. One thing I would not put up with was her bad mouthing my family. They are some of the best people I know and she would constantly try get me to turn against them. It would KILL her when I wouldn't go along with whatever she would say about them. Its wild, when my cousin got cancer she was visibly JEALOUS because she was getting attention. When she found out my sister got pregnant she was so upset that she was going to get attention (her precious attention) that she got so drunk that she ended up punching me in the face repeatedly (her wedding ring actually gave me scar). I almost think me not abandoning my family might be a big reason she went to look for another victim. Its so weird to even describe the things I put up with because if someone told me they were going through this I would tell them to get the hell out out of there. Now that her spell is broken I can hardly believe I put up with all of it for so long.

1 Heart

I’m sorry that you had to go through that, the therapist part of me wants to help and tell you it’ll get better. Yet sometimes it doesn’t. sometimes the next person we get with either have to suffer through what we went through. or you have all these boundaries and restrictions, trust issues and it will be much harder to let someone in it’s okay to be guarded and cautious especially if you see red flags but remember the walls that keep us safe and keep out the bad also keep out the good. I don’t know how long you’ve been free but they say that the amount of time spent with a bad relationship is going to take twice as long get past it. I assume that my ex already found a victim and that’s why it’s so easy for him to let let me walk away after everything. See he’s the kind of guy that would fight with me but not for me, and I saw it all in the beginning and I tried to explain to him that I wasn’t ready to fall in love and I needed time to adjust from being married to being in another relationship instantaneously there was no Gap, (my first red flag) when he just insisted to go with it. He tried to turn my grandmother against me my son so that I had nobody (second red flag). I know that the more I talk to the people on here the more okay I am with my decision. I’m going to write a separate post on an update that occurred yesterday so that I may get some insight or advice on that. Thanks for sharing everything that you have and letting me know that I’m not alone because it sure feels like that. @SoloDad

sending you love. I'm sorry that you had to experience that.

haha... sometime I would swear my ex was trying her best to get me to hit her or just lose my cool and start calling her names. I never did though because of the reasons you spoke of. That would have just given her a bunch of stuff to use against me. I sometimes wish I could have just gave her a gigantic smack for the horrible things she would say to me... Oh well, clean living is the best revenge.

1 Heart