Today my wife and I are starting a 4 day separation...she will stay at her parents Tue and Wed, and I am out of town Thu, then will crash at my sisters Fri....so we will have some time away from one another.
I feel stuck.
I look at it like this
If I stay w my wife...i loose my self respect, but may have times of happiness, but I won't be truly happy
If I leave, I keep my self respect, but I will never be truly happy, and I will NEVER, attempt any relationship....ever again.....
I stuck it out and we're doing really well. Yesterday he said something interesting to me. He's always told me he likes my voice. Yesterday he laughed when i said something then said i sing when i talk. He said my voice is like music to his ears .I can't tell you how my heart felt when he said that. I think it grew. I've always known he loves me, but i had to take a lot of abuse from him in the past with the infidelity. I was treated like i didn't matter or like i was just another option. I had to stick around to get this point where i'm starting to see and hear how he really feels about me. It's nice. It feels good. We're moving on from it.
I understand that feeling of feeling like you are stuck some days. If I leave I'd have my pride but that's about it.
staying, just makes me feel like i have no self respect for myself.... 8 affairs in 15 months...8 different men..... after 13 years of marriage..... what type of man would stay...would try...would do the counseling....why?
@gettingintune That is a bitter pill to swallow. I have a hard time because it was 1 woman for a year.
@gettingintune ... thing is you're not the one with problem.
@adrian35 …ah if it were so easy… all the therapy is peeling back layers of issues w me that have been part of my psyche since childhood… i feel so hopeless broken…that there is no chance i’ll ever be fixed
@gettingintune I understand where you are coming from. I hope you find the happiness you deserve.
@Rasttabear my therapist says that i don’t see that doing what i am doing… the work…the therapy…staying…trying…is STRONG…she says i don’t see that what i am doing is STRONGER then running away… i have a very hard time believing that…
Staying IS strong and A LOT of hard work. Having said that you have a lot to deal with and it is extremely difficult. Try to find encouragement from those who are struggling but also finding a way to make it work. It takes a lot of time.
@2Changes Why does staying feel like the weak thing to do? Leaving seems to me, to be the strong thing to do…stand up for myself… i hate the conflict that goes on in my head all day long. I can’t sleep…cant eat…lost 15 pounds since dday in Dec 2014… rarely smile during the day, can’t focus or concentrate at work… I’m so tired…so exhausted… i just want to make a decision and move on with her or with out her
You are strong and your therapist is right. Only you know what is right for you. You have to follow your heart but you are hurt. You have been beaten and bruised. This pain we feel will last a long time. It's difficult to heal with the one that hurt you so deeply. I get that! It's difficult to not listen to everyone else when they say cheating is a deal breaker. Until you have dealt with it...you don't know how you will react. This is one of the most difficult things you will face. Your mind and your heart are battling right now. Being in therapy will help you to sort this out. You are not weak for staying and working on this. I wish you the best!
I can relate, my wife has had 21 affairs, flings or cheats. My only question is what is the magic number to end it all?
Have you ever been told why she does it?
If you leave, eventually time will heal. However the longer you wait, the longer the process.
If you stay and want to work things out, you might want to find out the root. What is her reasoning?
@Frenchie71 21? wow… may I ask, over what period of time. This was 8 over 15 months after 13 years of marriage.
we still don’t have the whys. We have some of the whys… but they don’t help me…
i know i had a role in the disconnect of the marriage…i was as unhappy as she was for a time…BUT…I DIDNT CHEAT. I coped in a different way
the therapists we see in MC, and she and I see in IC, say
She is NOT a sociopath
She is NOT a sex addict
She is not BIPOLAR
Borderline Personality Disorder?..not qualified to answer
Why?
Because she wanted to do…thats why
my wife has been reading...doing her own therapy..... in a point of self introspection that she has never dealt with before in her life.
we've had so many conversations these last 6 months.... she says over the last 6 months she finds that she loves me more then ever.
that just confuses the mud out of me!
last night was first night she was away...and tonight will be 2nd.
i'll be out of town thu w a good friend of mine...road trip to see a concert, then back fri.
was planning on going home fri, but i think i may extend the separation another night, and crash at my sisters place since she is out of town
but heres the kicker
today..... all i can think about is how much i want to hold my wife in my arms
and that makes me even crazier........
This whole situation is going to make you crazy. One of the hardest things to accept is that you may not ever fully understand why she cheated and that her decision to cheat was not about you but about her. Someone recommended looking at it that my first marriage with MH is over and my second marriage is beginning. I think what they meant by that is to focus on the today and the future while looking at the past to help move forward. Not easy by any means and some days seems near impossible. What it boiled down to for me was I wasn't ready to give up on giving us the chance to get back to the reason we got married in the first place.
Use the time to deal with sine of your feelings. I was living away from my husband for a while and the time away did help me. I cloud deal with feelings with our him right there. Use it for you. You need to have a clear as possible head to make smart choices about what you want.
This is the second night apart
And I hate to admit this
I miss her
I want to be in her arms right now
@gettingintune what do you hate about it? I think it is a good thing in a way because you are realising where you want to be. I agree with the above posts. It takes an enormous amount of strength to stay and try to work through the hurt and anger.
Your love is so pure. She is the luckiest person to have that unconditional love. You are strong to stay and work on trying every avenue to save the love of your life and your union. I love this about you. I am the same. I stayed because I wanted to win at first. I wanted to not see him with them. I saw it as a challenge. But then I realized my love was pure and perfect for him. I needed to give it all I had to try to win back my husband. But if it was him and he had to deal with me cheating, I believe he would throw me away in a heartbeat. That is what hurts. He loved the other woman. That hurts me so bad. I am healing but it is a very deep scar. We were given a gift. Some people never ever find the love of their lives. So no matter what happens, I believe that gift is precious. I do feel good that he loved me enough to give her up. And that I see love in his eyes. We laugh together and look forward to our future together. It took a lot for us to get to this point. I am glad I hung in there to get here. But I wish it never happened. I don't think you should hate that part of you that still wants to love her. I think that your love runs deep. A real true love. You have that capacity and no matter what happened it does not just vaporize because it is real. There is nothing in the world so wonderful or that has the capacity to make us vulnerable. Maybe you don't like feeling vulnerable but I believe fixing what is wrong with your relationship will help you understand and cope with all the questions. If nothing else you will have closure. I think it is smart for me. I had to leave my husband to get the point across that I meant business. Separation is good at this point to help her feel what she may be loosing.