So, today has been really tough. I have tried so hard the last few days to stay positive, but keeping up this pretence that everything is good when really inside I am falling to pieces is so so hard.
I have binged my way through today, from the moment I woke up until now, 10pm at night!! I feel totally rubbish for it, it totally sucks!!
I went to a coffee shop this afternoon in my lunch break, found myself eating a large slice of cake, I took out my journal and started to write. Before I knew it I had wrote a note to my family and friends about not wanting to be alive anymore. I even planned on coming home after work and ending my suffereing. Everything just seems never ending, I feel like a complete failure.
I worked late as I was so scared about the thoughts that I had experienced in my lunch break and worried that I may act on them. After finishing work, I came home, via 4 shops to pick up binge food, and ate that. After eating that, I exercised until 15 minutes ago. As I went to have a shower, my eye caught an ED book that I have in my bedroom, so I picked it up and started reading.
After reading the chapter about relearning eating control, I have remembered that this is not an easy journey. It's going to have its ups and downs. I've got to expect it to be 2 steps forward and 1 step back, I've got to stop putting so much pressure on myself that I can change this over night. I can't. This is a process, one that is going to take time and determination. I want to do this, I so do. I have to somehow get a good eating pattern back. I have to remember that every normal meal that I eat is a small victory.
I have just text a friend of mine to ask her for some help. I no longer feel that I can go food shopping on my own, so I have asked her to come with me and to make sure that I only buy what I need, so that I never have too much food in my home. I have asked her to take all my bank cards, so that I do not have money to spend on binge food, if I get my food shop right, I should have enough food to make my breakfast, lunch and dinners every day and I will not need my bank cards!! I have asked her to help me in general. I am not really sure of any other ways that she can help me with tis at the moment, but she is happy to do what she can, and for that I am grateful.
I cannot tell anyone about how much despair I feel over this right now. If people knew how low this was making me, to the point I was writing notes to people for when I am gone, they would just worry, and I don't want people to worry about me. I am not worth the worry. I have done this to myself and I am the only person who can fix this!!
Above all, I have to remember... tomorrow is a new day!!