Today was especially ******. I was in such a weird place all day. I also realised a few things. I am very much addicted to this site and i'm pretty sure it serves as a reassurance tool (which sucks). I have become really angry at myself and everyone all the time. I hate this and how much it affects me, I just want it to go away. Everytime I feel like I am getting better it comes back with a vengeance and makes me want to crawl into a ball and die. No matter how much I try to remember the past, make sense of the facts and calm myself, I just can't seem to get better. Also I keep putting myself into the shoes of other gay people who were in the closet at one point and just can't help but feel like that's what i'm doing. Like I am lying to myself and everyone around me, despite this appearing out of nowhere.
I don't get happy when I see my girlfriend or pretty girls anymore. I never notice the things I once enjoyed and loved so dearly. No matter how hard I do or don't try all my efforts are counter intuitive. Every morning is hell as I wake up and get slammed with the thoughts. I spend at least 2 hours just trying to function without snapping and breaking down. Even something as simple as a door not opening makes me want to breakdown in anger and tears. I feel completely insane but so normal it's hard to explain. I can't stop questioning if this is actually metal illness or if I am/have become gay. Either way I need a new perspective to get over this, because I cannot do it. I can't do this anymore, I just want to be me. I just want to be happy.
That is exactly how i felt a until two weeks ago. But somehow, you have to manage to be conscious about this thing being a mental illness. The anxiety and fear may be the explanation for your lack of happiness when seeing pretty girls. I know I couldn't get aroused by pictures of naked women at one point, which scared the crap out of me. And the mornings were the worst. But its the anxiety, the fear and the habituation that mess up with your brain. And as it is a brain illness (always keep that in mind) you cannot expect to fight it with facts and logic. That won't work, it fuels the brain into thinking that the thoughts are very dangerous and always reminding you. And another fact to keep in mind is that sexual orientation can't suddenly change, you are born with it. You cannot become gay or become straight. And if you were gay, you would fantasize and crave for gay thoughts (actual fantasizing, not anxiety-filled intrusive thoughts that make you think that you have desires for men). The fear would be around telling other people and fear that society will mistreat you, not about the fact of "perhaps i'm into men because my mind tells me so).
This is pain you think other people cant understand, but I understand you. It sucks, and i know the word sucks doesn't describe it cuz hocd hurts so bad.
I'm sorry. Just know you're not alone
Nothing was ever lost because tears were shed, man. Just let it all out. Perhaps it will help you see things more clearly. From what i read you aren't, at this point. So many rookie misstakes in only two paragraphes.
I would like you to end every post you write (like this one ↑) to end with a proactive resolution.
Simple example: I feel ****** now, but i will try again tomorrow