Today is just another day in the dark. Or so it feels like. Everyday is a never ending battle to fight for my happiness. Sometimes I feel like im doing great! And I can tell myself "this too shall pass" and other times it feels like the loneliness and heartache will never end. I try to keep my mind busy throughout the day, but it always seems to wander. Especially when im alone! Its not really that I chose to be alone, but no one to be around who knows my struggles. I dont want to be around perky, upbeat friends, because thats far from my own mood. And my friends have all disappeared into their own lives, moving on, doing their own thing. I dont want to be a burden, and I dont think they would even understand anyways. I know im getting closer to the light at the end of this dark.. dark.. tunnel but it seems so far away. Im sick and tired, literally, of begging for my happiness, and smiles, and joy. I want to naturally feel appreciative, and find happiness in the little things, like the sun, animals, a baby crying, or an elderly couple smiling and laughing. Im struggling ever day to let the pain of his manipulations go, everyday is progress though! And crying is ok. Tears are ok, and pain is ok.
Dear sweet Kaylene,
I'm so so SO sorry for what you are going through. I am so sorry too, that I hadn't replied still to your other thread and I'm so sorry!!
I understand your depression and it's going to take some time to heal your heart. BUt truthfully, you need to stay in contact even a little with your friends, oK? You also have us here so that will help. I promise you that it will take some time, but your broken heart will mend and when it does, you will be so glad to be done with this relationship. Truly you've been kicked around so badly by this ****, that it's going to take some time.
I can't remember if you have been in counceling or if it would be something you would consider? I know for me, the counceling has been so important. I can tell you though, once you truly realize what the **** did to you, you will be feeling quite strongly about not likiing him very much. Believe me when I say, sooner or later, you are going to see the things very clearly and you are going to wonder how in the heck you didn't see it before!!! And I'm going to be here cheering you on and sharing your joy! I promise, that WILL happen, as long as you don't go back. I need you to understand as well, that you are in love with "the IDEA of this guy being the love of your life"! It will make more sense later.
Tonight, though, if you need a friend, I'm here and I will try to check in every once in a while. I am glad that you can see that there is life at the end of the tunnel, because there truly is!!
Sending you hugs for healing, Suzee
Thats ok Suzee! I was thinking of you, and hoping you were doing okay yourself! My heart is mending more and more everyday. I think allowing it to mend is the hardest part! But is so nessisary! Your SO right. I AM done letting this **** kick me around and drag my heart on the ground. I know whats good for me, and thats not him! I seen a councler about 3 or 4 years ago for my dads suicide but not since. Im sure it would be good for me though! And I want to look into it again! There is a place about 45 mins away from me that specializes in "relationships", and I was excited to stumble upon that. My only worry is throughout this whole process I allowed my depression to get the best of my everyday tasks, and quit my job. I wanted more time to reconnect with my self, and since im already a full time cosmetology student I figured the only thing to give up was my part time job. I dont want to have to put my mom through more bills. And if I cant help her with them it will feel like such a burden on me. They accept my insurance, so maybe I should just pick up my phone and get a rough estimate on cost? Today is a gorgous day and im finding the little things to be so pleasing. I got to spend the whole day yesterday with my beautiful neice and that made me so happy. Those little things are great! How are you doing? I want to hear more about your "story" if your willing to share. Your strength is truly inspiring to me and I am blessed to have the encouragment!!!
Hi Kayleen,
Suzee and you are on the same page and i can imagine how it sucks.
So mine is a little of what i've learned about people. First, people who aren't where you are or are trained to help don't have a clue on how to respond to you if you bare your sole to them. So don't over whelm them with the complete truth as they'll get short circuited. When they asked how your day was they want a not to good or not bad or ok.
Second talk all you want here, nobody knows who you really are, except for me i used my real name, i've nothing to hide. If, you don't get many responses don't feel bad. Your post title is sort of like advertising so have you got interest. You can always change by using a new post name. I've put two out there one got one response and one got nothing. Then some of the responses are so big and so conveluted that you get lost in cyber space. With all i've said it means you aren't being ignored. Just keep on yakking, yell scream kick it's ok.
ok i'm done preaching lol.
Have a GREAT day and don't give up ok, bye
Dear kayleen,
I know what you are going threw. I have been alone in my life a very very long time. It is hard to see everyone else be happy and move on to do great things while you seem to be stuck in a rut. I too have longed for acceptance and love from others. Sometimes I wonder if I have been cursed not to be happy, to be sad and alone all of the time. I wish I had a simple answer but I don't. I've tried to judge my happiness off of the happiness of others that are around me but found the only one that can make me happy is me. I've tried to make new friends but find it hard because I do not have the social skills that others have in society. I've been in counseling for a very very long time and have been on medications just about the same length of time. When I look back to 7 years ago I try to think how things would be if I didn't seek out help and realize that the path I was going down would probably ended my life years ago. I guess I am saying the first step towards working to happiness is asking for help. Things can always improve. Keep your head up, things are bound to get better.