Tomorrow I'm driving 4 hours north for a family visit with m

Tomorrow I'm driving 4 hours north for a family visit with my partner, who is in long-term rehab. He has repeatedly tried to get me to smuggle either instant coffee or caffeine pills to him (he's in there for heroin, but he's definitely a caffeine addict too), but I said no because it's not allowed. He tried to manipulate me, and got mad when it didn't work. Things were semi-resolved, but last time we spoke on the phone, he went on about instant coffee again. I agreed, basically to avoid a fight and get him to shut up. But now I know I can't go through with it. It would violate my boundaries, which I've been so good about throughout this whole mess, and even though it's just caffeine, it would be enabling him. It's "just" caffeine, but I know this is addict behavior. It's the first time in months I've felt like our relationship isn't working.

I feel like sh*t tonight. I keep worrying about what kind of painful stuff I'm going to hear during the family visit. I know I'll be okay, but everything feels horrible right now. I'm feeling like such a victim, which I know is not productive. :(

You're doing the right thing. Addicts are so good at manipulating people to get what they want, but by being strong and sticking to what you feel is right you're signaling to him that things are changing; you will not be a pushover or enable him even if it is just caffeine. My bf just finished a stay at the hospital, he is also a heroin (and caffeine) addict and a smoker. He convinced me to smuggle him ecigarettes daily which, while I'm ok with him continuing to smoke until he's much further in his recovery, made me feel like I was enabling him and perpetuating addict behaviors especially since it continued his secretly using and hiding something. I only did what I did because if I didn't I believe he would have checked himself out which would mean going back to using, but I do worry I did the wrong thing (and I still worry for example when he got me to give him an extra Ritalin yesterday, it's not like he got high from it but I still feel like it was treading in addict territory to feel he needed it to function and to take more than prescribed). So when I read your post not only could I relate but I also see in you someone who's as strong as I wish I could be, and someone who certainly is not a "victim" because they haven't allowed themself to be made into one.

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@Ephemeralshell thanks for your reply, and for supporting my decision. These things aren’t easy, and with addicts it’s not so obvious where to draw the line, especially when you’re comparing everything to hard drugs. In comparison other stuff doesn’t look like a big deal. I remember taking care of my partner when he was withdrawing, giving him pot to ease the symptoms. There are a lot of grey areas with this stuff. It sounds like you were doing what made most sense at the time, and that’s all anyone can ask of you.

That said, I find listening to my gut is the best thing I can do for myself, and I’d advise you to do the same. “Dope fiending” does not stop at stuff that leads to hard drugs. It was just caffeine, but my partner was still dope fiending. If you feel like something isn’t right, that’s all the reason you need to not do it. Your boyfriend will start to see that you have firm boundaries that you will not violate. And you’ll find that you yourself feel more empowered!

Sorry if I basically just gave your own advice back to you, but I hope hearing it directly helps.

You're welcome. Yes exactly you feel like giving in to letting them have the lesser of two evils, so long as it means they won't do heroin; even if it's perpetuating addict behaviors you're so desperate for them to not use you'll let almost anything else slide. But I do recognize that continuing to enable these behaviors will just make it more likely he'll eventually go back to using so I have to be stronger and like you said listen to my gut. And thank you it really does help to hear it.

@periculosa @Ephemeralshell I read both of your stories and very similar to mines. My boyfriend was a heroin addict for 5 1/2 years, entered treatment, while in there he wanted me to sneak him in a beer because he missed the taste of a “refreshing” beer lol I stuck to my guns and said no. He was away for 2 1/2 months, came back home same living situation (at his parents) was sober for a good few months I say and then I started to see him slipping, he relapsed and ODed on heroin, he was thankfully saved by the dealers wife who called 911, fast forward another 2 months and he ODed on xanax & cocaine. Moral of my story is dont give in, I slowly started to see myself be in denial of him using drugs, I saw some signs but didnt think he’d go back to messing up again. It’s VERY hard with loving an addict and them fresh outta rehab. Really honestly work on yourselves & make sure your bf’s are attending meetings, stay in their 12 steps, congratulate them every so often that you are proud they are still doing good. It’s a rough road - addiction is a disease - doesnt mean it has to be a life sentence