Too fat to be on here

When I first joined this site a few days ago, the major issue that I was fighting was no one believes I have a problem. I am considered obese and have anorexia. I have been under eating for years trying to lose weight only to find out your body wont let go of the weight till you give it what it needs.

I cant fathom eating what I am supposed to be eating according to the nutritionist. I feel like I would have to eat all day to achieve that amount of food.

So, I dont know how to deal with myself and my size. I dont know how to take care of me, or love me, or give me time.

Feeling really uncomfortable here and in life. Where will I be accepted, anywhere???

Mamma,

Welcome to support groups! :) You're right; size does not dictate need. Or worth. The important thing to think about is how your obsession with food and your body is affecting your life. Trust your nutritionist. You really will feel much better once you can place these fears in proper perspective. :)

You ARE accepted. :)

Love,

Jen

Size is not an issue with it comes to disordered eating habits. I went from being clinically obese, to a 'normal' weight in 9 months, my binging when I was overweight lead me to bulimia and anorexia. I have traits from both and now have ED-NOS. Size does not matter. I do not have a low enough BMI to classify me as anorexic, but that certainly does not mean i dont have traits from the diease.

Thanks for your comments,

But you know this inner demon is so hard to battle. I am so tired of fighting and losing. I am either under control and praising myself for not eating at all or I am eating with fear and anger and resentment for the food and for life.

I dont know where to go im so lost. I have a want and desire to get better and can understand my ED brain, and they say that is the first step. It seems to me that it is more of a curse.

I wish I could be at peace inside. I feel so guilty when my ED rules my life and even my husband and kids have to pay the price. Let alone me.

Today I took a shower, I went thru a cycle of emotions just getting clean. As I took off my clothes I looked into the mirror and commented on my body in a neutral fashion. I started to shave my legs and began the emotion beating. How fat my legs are, how its hard for me to bend over to reach them. Then into the shower as I am washing myself the abuse continues. Thoughts fill my head, how can my husband want to touch me or be near me. Then out of shower look again in the mirror and all I see is an overweight unhappy "girl" (I dont see a grown women) with nothing to live for.

Dressed time for life, anxiety now fills my head, im sick to my stomach,the thought of eating makes me gag,I cant even cook, everyone is hungry, they depend on me for food. What now........

I hate this roller coaster and would like to get off now :(

Are you seeking councelling for this?

Yes I have a ED specialized nutritionist and ED therapist. I seem to be really stuck in a rut right now, cant see over the mountain.

Blind faith. Robotic actions. One foot in front of the other. We often have to ACT as though believe before we CAN. :)

Love to you!

Jen