I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder three years ago and for the last two years I was in remission, but a few months ago I began relapsing. I have been working with my current therapist the entire time I have been diagnosed, but now she is threatening to transition me to a different therapist because I have become too much for her and with someone I really don't want. I have already told my therapist that I am completely unwilling to change and will not talk to a different therapist. What makes the situation worse is that I am in a treatment program and my caseworker of the last two years was laid off last week. I was not suspecting this and it threw me off. I am now with a caseworker who treats me like I have a disease which triggers the hell out of me. I am at a loss of what to do and feel like shutting down on everyone. My therapist gave me six weeks to stop self harming, but I feel that this transition is going to happen whether I stop or not. This whole situation has been giving me anxiety attacks several times a day despite taking Xanax. I don't feel like ending my life, just ending therapy, but because of my treatment program I can't do that. Just don't know what to do or who to turn to at this point. I'm losing too much support at once.
I may not be the best at advice but this is all I can tell you.
You aren't in control of all this it's not your fault and if it happens you can't blame yourself for thinking you could stop it when you can't.
Look around this website there are people here for you just like you waiting at every corner. You need to vent come to me vent your heart out I won't judge you and we can get through this.
I believe in you 100 percent and they're just going too fast for you wait it out try to stay calm it'll get better I swear you just can't give up.
You're strong you're wonderful and you make the day a little brighter by you being in it stay with us and let us help you,dear.
We're all here just for you.
I agree that they are going to fast for me, but my therapist will say that I can control it. She says that I have done it before and it shouldn't be so hard, but my issue is that I'm not really willing to stop self harming. It's something that she has no idea how hard it is to stop no matter what I tell her to begin with. This is where her downfall is. She is trying too hard to get me to stop and I'm not going to listen. She says she is out of ideas and I need more attention than what she can give me. Right now I'm regretting even telling anyone that I started self harming again because at least I was happier. My biggest issue is that I am not willing to stop, and now I'm beginning to think that I just need to start lying to everyone again to get them off my back. I even have a plan set in place to lie again. The best part was that no one even knew before and I'm pretty sure I can get away with it again. I don't want to lose my therapist. She is the only one that I have ever had any respect for.
I understand that self harm can be attractive as an option. I have self harmed before and I have again very recently but lying about it isn't going to help anyone especially not you and that's who we're here for. If you don't want to stop self harming I can't do anything about it and neither can she. She probably has no idea how much relief can come from every cut. Keep in mind though it is temporary relief the pain always comes back and it's worse every time. Maybe if you had someone who understood you better and knew everything you were going threw it would help. It might even make you see self harm is never the answer. Know we're all here for you even if you get sent to a new therapist you will always have us and all we want is to help you live your life being as happy as you deserve to be.
The thing is, I’m not even cutting. I used to, but after I stopped I always promised myself that I wouldn’t go back. Dealing with all of the scars and people’s stares just aren’t worth it. I’ve been bruising myself, which I fail to see how this can be as bad as cutting since the danger isn’t there. However, I feel that if this change happens, I probably will go back to cutting and even have a plan on how to not make the scars so bad this time. That’s not good and I realize that, but losing her as a therapist will be a huge thing. She is the only therapist that I have ever actually liked. I’ve had so many that have done or said the wrong thing that it just made me happy I wasn’t seeing them anymore. I’ve established such a rapport with her it would be too difficult to transition to a different therapist.
I wish I could help in a more effective way. Losing a therapist especially one you have grown fond of can be devastating. I know it must be very hard for you to think about. She must have her reasons for doing this. I know it's hard but try to see things from both point of views. It will help you process why this is happening. Pay attention to what she says and how she says it she wouldn't drop you for nothing she has to have a reason and if it's a good one maybe it will be easier for you to let go even if you don't want to that is my best advice for you.
Now for the cutting. You stopped for a reason. You are making progress even if you're bruising yourself at least it's less damaging then cutting. Do you really want this? You are doing so well. Scars will get batter they will fade but you can't start again you'll do nothing but regret it.
Just want to post an update because a lot happened tonight. We can say that I have a great doctor who really listens to me and has a lot more power in my treatment than I give him credit for. I told my doctor everything that happened in the last week and a half and he said he would talk with my therapist. I saw my therapist after that discussion and she said she talked with her supervisor and came up with the conclusion that she isn't going to drop me. She said there is no more 6 weeks deal which was causing a lot of anxiety on my part. I do have to work with her though and at least try to get better, which is going to take effort, but we have an agreement. I did try your advice though and tried to actually convince myself that maybe a new therapist would be a good thing, but I'm actually really happy that it didn't come to that.
To be honest, I always thought that bruising was progress and at least I wasn't doing anything dangerous, but how my therapist puts it, she doesn't want to see me hurt myself because she loves me. It's going to be a long while before I actually begin to love myself after everything that I've been through throughout my life though. You are right, I probably would regret cutting, and I'll be honest here too, I find more satisfaction in bruising than in cutting, but I do find a lot of urges to go back to cutting. I'll try not to let that happen though, especially since a lot of pressure is off of me now. Thanks for your help. I will be around yet I'm sure.
I'm so happy it worked out <3 I hope you have nothing but success in the future. I will be honest I didn't like the idea of you bruising either but I figured that had to be better then cutting I know how addictive cutting could be. I really hope she helps and I wish you the best of luck. I know you will do wonderful. Much love, Bpdkidd