Do you ever have trouble coming up with the words to express something you want to say or feel? I'm so pissed right now but all I can think of doing is screaming and cussing. I'm not at all proud to admit that but I really see no reason to lie to anybody here. As I'm writing this I feel like the Incredible Hulk going through his changes from man to hulk--turning green, ripping his clothes, thrashing around! Not only do I feel this inside but my muscles have tightened, my teeth are clinched and I'm moving my body/neck/head like a real life monster is about to come out of my body. How freaking retarded (sorry, I hope that word doesn't offend anyone, I'm not good with words right now)! That's probably what it is! Well I need this monster to come on out and get lost. I feel like I could or like I want to explode!!! The totally screwed up thing is that I'm not really sure why! Wtf! I don't know what to do with this anger. It pisses me off that I don't feel like I can really do anything that will help. I want to tell somebody off. When I go to the store in a few minutes I already know I will probably drive there like a freakin maniac (yes, I drive recklessly when I'm going through it). I just want to hurt something or somebody but I have a feeling that won't make me feel any better. It would probably make me feel worse. I am hoping that by writing this crap down I will feel a little better. This sucks too because I just saw my T a little while ago. I told her I feel so f*@#ed up that only a lobotomy will do. I also told her that just a day or two ago I was trying to tell myself that I'm not BPD because I'd been feeling "ok" (?) for a couple of days (it had been awhile since I could even string that much good time together)! Ha! Yeah, that lasted long! I hate this negative feeling & thinking, the I hate myself (that not so much as it's my natural way of being), I hate my husband, I freakin hate everything! I've got that "how can I hurt me right now?" going on. I don't self-harm but I do find other ways that sometimes hurt longer & cause more trouble! But I can't think of anybody who deserves it more!!! I feel totally powerless over so much in my life and have been for too long. ****! I could go on and on with the ranting and raving but I just can't sit here much longer! I need to do something physical for a bit. To whomever reads this, thanks for reading & sorry it probably makes little or no sense! I sincerely hope that everyone else is doing much better!
Hi Free. I hope you're feeling better. I'm not doing so good today. Maybe tomorrow will be better! For both of us!
No I'm not feeling any better. I called my T to see if I could maybe see her today or tomorrow. She probably won't have any appointments if for no other reason than I really need one. Although I wish I hadn't even posted last night I thank you anyway Recovery.
Big waves of negative emotion hit us all hard sometimes. Just saw a big one crash over you! Hope you were able to get back up after that wave receeded! It was just a wave! Yes, there may be another one, but it too will receed! The ocean of emotion is powerful indeed! But just remember the calm after the storm and the healing powers calmer waters bring!
Smiles,
Caryn
I'm just so sick & tired of getting up from one wave only to get hit again! I would LOVE to have more even times! This up and down crap is only making things worse and it's so tiring. It makes me feel like this BPD & bipolar (mostly depression) will never get any or even much better. If I can just hang on I have an appt. w/ PsyDoc at the end of the month. I need her to do SOMETHING. I just don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I'm too old to still be dealing with all this sh**!!!
I look at my future and think about how my life circumstances will be very different some time in the next few months. I don't know if that helps or hurts how I feel, believe, think, act, I know, but it's in my face everyday so what can I do?! It could make things better or worse or it could be a little of both. I am so afraid he won't get out and I don't know what I'll do if he doesn't! Eight (8) freakin years of pain and hell for something you didn't do?!?! To advance careers and make it look like you're "doing your job"? Because you're racist and evil? It looks like there is NO JUSTICE! But, hey God, if you want to fix this travesty NOW and bring him home to me I'M GOOD WITH THAT!! He keeps telling me (almost every day) to hang on because he's getting out soon. I have to go along with what he says because I know how much he needs to have that hope. I have moments of it but they're pretty fleeting after 8 yrs. I'm just going to stop this now because all I'm doing is rambling and I know nobody wants to read that kind of thing, that's if anybody reads this at all. I don't know...why should I even care? :'(
Update...I started feeling better a little while ago. :-) God is good!! You know what did it? I got into listening some Christian music. It does it every time. I just have such brain damage that I forget sometimes. There are so many awesome uplifting songs about God's love, mercy and grace I don't know how anybody could NOT feel good while listening to it!!!!!!!!!!
We alllll have that same kind of brain damage! Good thing music helps with the rewire!
From Mood Disorders to Bipolar Disorder