I havent actively been on this site for a while due to being really busy at uni, but I have been reading peoples posts every once and a while. Over the past four months or so I have gradually being loosing weight again, not intentially though. A while back I was suffering quite badly from digestion problems, namely bloating and constipation and this really messed with my body image and caused me to restrict. After much trial and error I have thankfully found a natural product that has releived this problem and my eating is much better now. The problem is, though, that even though Im eating more regularly and actually having proper meals, my weight has still been dropping (not by a lot but enough to have my doctor concerned). I have personally put this down to stress at uni and working quite late nights to get assignments and things done. Anyway, my doctor had enrolled me months ago on the waiting list for the (only!) state-funded eating disorders clinic in New Zealand (all other treatment centres are private and because Im a student I cant cover even half of the costs). A few days ago I recieved a letter to say that its my turn on the waiting list (after 6 months) to be assessed and possibly get some proffessional help. The thing is, now that push has come to shove, Im absolutely terrified. I go through periods of really wanting to get better, and then periods where I dont, Im quite happy to stick to my safe lil bubble of controlled eating and excersise. Right now, I really DONT want to go. I keep telling myself that things will get better in the up-and-coming holidays when I wont have the stressors of uni and my weight will go up again. I keep telling myself that no I dont actually have a problem, I eat three controlled meals a day and usually a snack and excersise moderately...the only part thats not normal is my weight (which is quite low). On the other hand I know that going to the public ED clinic will be the ONLY chance I will get to make some progress in my recovery as I dont envisage being able to afford private treatment for some time. If I refuse treatment then i will be pulled off the waiting list and will have to reapply later, only to wait abnother 6+ months to even be assessed (let alone seen). Im a mess right now. My head is telling me "do it, its your last chance" but my heart is screaming "NO!!" and I feel so stuck right now. Has anyone else had a similar experience to this or any advise about how to get through this?? I would really appreciate any feedback.
Hi.....the push/pull of the thoughts in your head are very typical of what how an eating disorder can fool you/us. But if you think about the past, have you ever been able to truly handle it, and would you truly be able to fully get past this and be able to move on with your life, eating disorder free, without getting this specialized help? I highly doubt it, simply based on the nature of this disorder. It's not about you being weak, but about the strength of the eating disorder, and how it can confuse us so much at times.
Maybe if you only commit to having the assessment, and don't think past that, then you can consider your options? One step at a time.
Based on your post, I think you CAN see the reality of why getting treatment is critical. This is a gift for yourself that I hope you will take advantage of...even though it's terrifying. LIFE and LIVING is worth it!! Take care...Jan ♥
I have anorexia also. I currently am not struggling with it's effects, I guess you could say it's "dormant" for me right now - hopefully for the rest of my life.
Since you haven't undergone treatment before and because you are apprehensive about launching into the unknown world of "treatment" (I know it's scary!), I think you should consider just consulting a Nutritionalist first. If you believe in rationality, then write down your exercise and diet regimen for a week, then take that piece of paper (be truthful!!!) with you to talk to a nutritionalist in your area. It may cost you a few dollars, but if you can spare the cash it would be worth it. You'll get some straight answers about your diet and exercise for you body type and body weight. He/She will basically either say, "Yeah, this is a great regimen for you! Way to go!" or react strongly and tell you the truth, "Honey, this is NOT healthy - let me refer you to someone that can help you with your eating disorder."
This will be a step in the right direction and give you some leads as to how to help yourself. As a fellow anorexic, I've remember having that ongoing mental battle - knowing that I needed to eat, yet denying it. I finally had to just pick somebody in the Contacts on my phone, call, and say these words: I need help.
Trust yourself, keep a strong mind. A strong mind is a powerful tool for you.
In the mean time, stay on the waiting list because when it comes your turn to try treatment, it may be perfect timing and you'll be ready for it.