***Trigger Warning*** I am messing up, and tbh, I don't k

***Trigger Warning***

I am messing up, and tbh, I don't know if I want to let go enough emotionally to care. My efforts to avoid giving into the urge to get more blades fell apart. I now have a box in my purse, while I ruminate about how much I want to self-harm. I have tried to distract myself by sleeping, and I talked to a friend. And I have been doing a lot of scratching into the skin on my shoulder. I am trying to avoid texting and asking my therapist to talk. I SO want to not be so needy/demanding. And I know that he and my doctor would not be happy at all that I've gone through with this. I'm not exactly sure what I wish to accomplish by going through with cutting. A few days ago, before my session, it had more to do with wanting to 'feel' something other than numb. Since my therapist poked holes in that during our session, that wall has been breaking down more and more. Now, it's more about containing things, about having something to focus the pain on other than the distress I am feeling now.

I definitely don't have any answers but I can share with you what I've been doing lately it may not help you but I was desperate to not ruminate on a specific distressing situation so I remembered something I used before that worked alot and that was to tell myself I would think about it tomorrow, it works for me even though it always comes back.

...now I feel like it doesn't matter as I self-harm or not. I cut this morning, not much, but enough that there was blood. It bled through a large band aide. It was a bit disappointing in that it didn't really provide the 'release' that it usually would. I think it would be a good idea to throw them in the big trash cans outside of of work on my way out of the building...

@Brenna2004https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/self-harm-alternatives&ved=2ahUKEwj5sKSYu8T6AhUIGTQIHSz2BFsQFnoECAYQAQ&usg=AOvVaw0nLXDKGFDdHLXpc0zKsBt0

I am no psychologist, but it seems to me that going from "wanting to feel something..." to "wanting some other focus" is a Big Step in the right direction. At the very least it suggests an alternative of *some* kind to cutting, something a little less risky anyway. I hope you can find a good release: we all need that!

***Trigger Warning***
...I ended up calling my Psychiatrist's nurse to ask a question about a survey that popped up to complete before my appointment. We talked a bit and she asked how my weekend was. She ended up outright asking if I was cutting again. My refusing to answer was her answer. Now he will know when I go into my appointment....
...she was less angry than I thought she would be. I agreed to throw them away, and I did into a deep trash bin that I can't take them out of. Now to not get more...

@Brenna2004 keep searching and trying different things to do instead of self harm. You have choices and you do have more control than you realize right now. So many people struggle with this it’s so hard to deal with but the harder you work at it you will find in time that you will be more successful so do not give up hope, always get back up no matter how many times you fall.

...Trigger Warning...

...so, it's Thursday and I'm having a hell of a time focusing. I did not get to go to DBSA; between being exhausted and last night being the only night this week that I will be home, it seemed the better choice that I stay home...
...the action that originally didn't do much has again become an urge I'm losing control of. I self-harmed last night at home, which I haven't done since last June. I'm not sure if I can get this together; not sure I want to right now. It's like now that I've slipped it doesn't matter if I stop now. I cut last night at home, something I haven't done since I before I stopped in June. Tuesday, June 7th, I gave everything to my Psychiatrist, and I stayed away from it until now. The thoughts started to come back when work started up again. The stress wore me down. I am weak. I am a failure...

@Brenna2004 do you think it would help lessen the stress if you looked for a different kind of job?