TRIGGER WARNING I dont specifically need to talk, just need

TRIGGER WARNING
I dont specifically need to talk, just need to let it go. Adam.

I've been miserable for most of the day. I started good. Then by 10am it started going pear shaped. Too many external obligations all taking up time. Got $20 left, go to the man...get well...not the usual. Lack of meds, Pot, yes it's pain releif and addiction...knowing its all over by tonight starts the meltdown. If i just distract myself a little longer, then I can go and have a smoke....if i do this...then....

I've always put off happiness to some future time. I'll be happy when...I have that girl, that car...that life.

I'll work hard now, knuckle down, pare down, get back to basics...rebuild...then...life ...will...be ...complete.

I've always fought now in the hope of some future victory. They never come. Either the dream is lost, taken...or just is no longer what I want...but it never comes...happiness.

Oh you just have to be happy now. Yes. But I can't. I just don't feel it. I'm no longer interested in being happy. I'm no longer interested in being anything. I'm just not. And not a single person around me understands that at all.

I'm co-dependent. I need to have a significant other person in my life for me to be able to operate. That's the fact jack. I haven't had one of those in well, 8 years...I'm lost and alone and there just aint a thing any one can do about it.

All the words in the world make naught of difference. I lift myself and coach myself along constantly. It makes no difference. I push hard every day...well, not so much any more I guess. Once, but I can't be bothered.

There just doesn't seem to be any point, when I'm just chasing rainbows.

I'm cold. Always f*cking cold these days. Cold right down into the depth of me.

I'm a could have been. A wanna be...just wasnt. I've had my time, I don't need to see another sunrise. They're much the same. I've spent new years eve every year since 24 on my own. I don't celebrate. It's another year of being left out in the cold. So it's just another day. There's not a person around can understand that.

I stopped having birthday parties...well birthdays. Just didn't seem to work. Parties...people and me. Well and the fact no one ever bothered to remember or have a party in my honour. You get over it pretty quick when you go to everyone elses, yet....well I never bothered to even have them, didn't want to know that people didn't want to come.

Each of the three birthday parties I ever had were a distaster. 7th 10th 30th. GUilty about my 7th...only child...that's what everyone say's, that's the label that tells you my attitude at the party...well what it decended into. 10th sent to hospital. 30th accused of infidelity for offering ice to a beautiful girl...another girl. It was ice..I offered ice to alot of people at that party. It ruined it for me. 2 weeks of defending myself thereafter. For what?

Oh yes I'm terrible. A miserable *******, a this a that. Yep, maybe. I believed that for a while. I do now. I remember when I wasn't a miserable *******, when everything was joyous when life just seemed easy and happened and people were around. I remember before everything changed. I was still a little boy. That's when everything changed. Yet I've been judged unmercifully for being abused as a kid...ok so I developed anti social behaviours, I developed a deep need to have someone close to me, I developed an overwhelming desire to kill myself on a daily basis, I developed an intollerance to myself you have no idea how hard....

Yet I'm the bad guy. Always. Never any compassion, not a thread. It wasn't my fault. It'd be nice if the rest of the world thought so too, be nice if a helping hand was offered instead of a closed fist, be nice if someone said I'd suffered enough.

I'm only here for you. I'm not here for me. I gave up on that 30 years ago. I'm tired of fighting. Just tired. I can't go on relentlessly and have no point to it. I can't see a point. I'm told to regain my life or something like that. I dont want it. Its yours. keep it.

You can't understand that. Most dont. Some do. Eddie Veder does. I see that now in his words. He understands completely.

I'm just talking, cause despite there being much more important things to do, I just don't want to, just not interested.

2 Hearts

((((Hugs))) to you <3

1 Heart

@brokenangel62

Hugs back '62 :slight_smile: I’m …ok. I’m just wallowing in it I guess. Thanks :slight_smile:

Pearl Jam - Corduroy

The waiting drove me mad... you're finally here and I'm a mess
I take your entrance back... can't let you roam inside my head
I don't want to take what you can give...
I would rather starve than eat your bread...
I would rather run but I can't walk...
Guess I'll lie alone just like before...
I'll take the vermin's path... oh, and I must refuse your test
A-push me and I will resist... this behavior's not unique
I don't want to hear from those who know...
They can buy, but can't put on my clothes...
I don't want to limp for them to walk...
Never would have known of me before...
I don't want to be held in your debt...
I'll pay it off in blood, let I be wed...
I'm already cut up and half dead...
I'll end up alone like I began...
Everything has chains... absolutely nothing's changed
"Take my hand, not my picture," spilled my tincture
I don't want to take what you can give...
I would rather starve than eat your bread...
All the things that others want for me...
Can't buy what I want because it's free...
Can't buy what I want because it's free...
Can't be what you want because I'm...
Why ain't it supposed to be just fun
Oh, to live and die, let it be done
I figure I'll be damned, all alone like I began...
It's your move now...
I thought you were a friend, but I guess I, I guess I hate you.

Pearl Jam - Immortality

vacate is the word...vengeance has no place on me or her
cannot find the comfort in this world
artificial tear...vessel stabbed...next up, volunteers
vulnerable, wisdom can't adhere...
a truant finds home...and a wish to hold on...
but there's a trapdoor in the sun...immortality...
as privileged as a wh*re...victims in demand for public show
swept out through the cracks beneath the door
holier than thou, how?
surrendered...executed anyhow
scrawl dissolved, cigar box on the floor...
a truant finds home...and a wish to hold on too...
he saw the trapdoor in the sun...
immortality...
i cannot stop the thought...i'm running in the dark...
coming up a which way sign...all good truants must decide...
oh, stripped and sold, mom...auctioned forearm...
and whiskers in the sink...
truants move on...cannot stay long
some die just to live...
ohh...