***Trigger Warning*** ...I wasn't able to sh this morning

***Trigger Warning***

...I wasn't able to sh this morning. An accident on the only major artery into town, getting out of the house a little later, and anticipating my aide coming in earlier because she has to proctor... I didn't want to risk it. I had an appointment with my Psychiatrist yesterday after work and spoke with my therapist after that. My doctor knew what was going on b/c I sent a message through the portal. Before we even got into his office, he brought it up. I told him I didn't want to talk about it because he knew what was going anyway because of my note. He can be quite insistent - and patient. There was a lot of silence; he waited me out. No demands to stop the sh, no anger; he didn't even ask to see the cuts, only wanted to know where I was cutting right now. He asked if maybe the meds weren't working. I don't want to change anything right now. I don't have an appointment next week because he is out of the office; first time since the middle of August that I won't be having a weekly appointment.
...I talked with my therapist after seeing the Psychiatrist and told him what has been in my head and that I have been self-harming more frequently. When I said that I want all of them to be mad and give up on me, he was like 'you know that isn't going to happen'. As far as the sh, he said something about if I need to be in control right now, then so be it, that he nor anybody else can stop me until I'm ready to stop. He wondered out loud if my sh was my way of showing them I am 'too sick', to make them mad at me and stop trying to help me. I told him that I don't feel like I'm in control of the sh anymore. I am doing it three/, four or more times a day. Basically, anytime I can find a decent 20-30 minutes. I plan for the next time I can do something.
...the scary part is that both my doctor AND therapist are out next week on the days I see them, which means no support from or easy access to either. My therapist did offer virtual appointments on two other days, but they didn't work with my schedule, not to mention I hate virtual appointments. I don't feel 'safe' to talk on the computer and really need the physical presence of him to feel safe. My doctor's nurse should be reachable, though, which is something at least. Thank you for reading.

Sounds like you have a GREAT doctor and therapist! It would be wonderful if everyone in need of help were able to find that level of support. Sorry to hear the sh is a bit out of control, but you've overcome that before and you will again. Thank you for being so open and honest with us: you are an inspiration. Love & Peace.

Trigger Warning

@buddhabob - I do have a great team. I’d be much more of a mess if it weren’t for this support. Here’s another example of how great my psychiatrist is: My sleep has quickly gotten worse and the nightmare’s more disturbing. I called the office before he was going to be away. He gave me the power to choose whether to increase my Prazosin OR Seroquel to intercept the slide; for as much as it is difficult to make such decisions right now, I really appreciate that he even gives me the choice. The sh is getting more out of control. The sh is happening a lot more. My mother was hurt last night when the dog jumped on her and knocked her to the ground; he is a big dog and all muscle. I hate myself so much. I know that I’m punishing myself with the sh, but right now punishing myself is more important than being reasonable. Thank you for your kindness, always. Have a great day!

***Trigger Warning***

Despite talking with my therapist for a few minutes yesterday afternoon in an attempt to put some perspective on things, I am steadily sliding down. I can literally feel it, like a huge wave knocking me over with an undertow that is threatening to drag me down and out. I continue to sh three, four times a day right now. The fact that I'm back to work tomorrow will reduce that, somewhat. I have a half-day because I have a consultation with a Rheumatologist, then an appointment with my Primary Care doctor, and then PT at 6pm. I am not looking forward to the appointment with my PCP. When I completed the online questionnaires for the appointment, I marked 'self-harm' in the section that asked about Mental Health concerns. I've never done that before and wanted to change it right after I submitted the questions, but there was no way. I so DO NOT want to have a discussion with her about it. I am taking another half-day on Thursday to see my therapist in his office. After the intense work we did Thursday, he really encouraged me to try to see him, virtually or in the office, if I could work it out. So... I'm taking a half-day to see him at 12 in his office. My choice to deal with the nightmares was to increase the Prazosin. I don't know if that is going to work, as I continue to have disturbing nightmares. I may have to switch to the Seroquel...

@Brenna2004 These are only my thoughts. I believe sometimes talking about the trauma can be retraumatizing, I’ve experienced it myself.
If your Dr brings up the sh you could say something like you are seeing a therapist so you are getting treatment then say thank you. You could try looking up pictures of things you enjoy awhile before you go to bed such as cute animals, birds, butterflies, ocen scenery or just mix it up whatever makes you feel happy and peaceful. I’ve don’t it several times in a day at one time it helped me get through a rough time.