****Trigger Warning**** I'm 33yrs old and this might sound r

****Trigger Warning**** I'm 33yrs old and this might sound ridiculous to say but I feel like I should not have been born. I've got a health issue that no one seems to be able to give a pill to cure. A doc that doesn't think it's anything but restless leg syndrome. A wife who doesn't think it's the vibrations from living so close to a freeway. And I'm not good at life. I'm not particularly skilled at much. I like learning a lot, but I'm not a quick applied learner (needed to rise in the workforce), I'm a scattered organized person, I can be kind of eccentric. I did not win the genetic lottery on my mom's side mental health speaking. I feel mine is only slightly than my mom's but much better than my grandma's. And who knows what I got from my dad's.
I spent a good portion of this morning crying in the shower and debating calling the crisis line (which aren't usually very helpful. Just ask what you've done before to calm yourself down) or my DBT couching call which also would have been equally as unhelpful I'm sure. No immediate help when you need it. So here I am wondering why I continue existing. Breaking down crying. Taking pills that don't help. With people who don't believe me. Barely making it. Wondering if it would be better in a hospital... A safe bubble... No sex....no pet dog Cora...no wife ..with the crazies...but safe and ideally no longer buzzing

1 Heart

Hi Crystal,
It takes a lot of courage to open up about difficult feelings like you did so it definitely shows you do care about yourself. The way you're feeling now doesn't have to "stay this way" and you can enjoy life too. So tell us, what you are doing to make positive changes in your life? How is your diet? Exercise? Do you work or how do you fill your day? What are you passionate about? What do you like to do? You don't have to answer all of these unless you want to but I know from experience that changing thoughts and behaviors as well as really good self care through diet, exercise, rest, purpose etc really can take you out of a depressive mood. Have you seen a psychiatrist? They're doctors too but they specialize in medicine for mental health. I encourage you to go get evaluated by one and see what they say. I hope this helps you and remember, you're not alone. People care here on SG as well as who you know in person! Please check back in when you can.

1 Heart

Yeah well, it's all about perspective. from a paraplegic person's perspective, your life is heaven. You have no idea what the value is of just being able to walk. What is normal for you, would be nothing but a godsend miracle for someone in a wheelchair.

And the thing about all these skills. Why would you allow society or you yourself to impose these artificial demands on you? I mean the universe doesn't demand anything. Society just brainwashes you into believing that you need to have these things. Look at a snail, it doesn't do much , and at quite a slow pace. But it manages to survive. It just shows , life can be lived at a different pace as well.

In the end you yourself decide how much you do, or how much you don't do. 99% of the DNA humans have is the same. Meaning you more or less have what everyone else has. And that's the thing. Instead of whining about how much more other people have or can do, or how the grass is greener at your neighbors , think of it like this. Physical changes can only be achieved through physical effort. Life isn't just what you make of it, it's also what you do not make of it. If you keep sitting in the couch , nothing will happen. If you study hard, you will become smarter. It's all 1+1 = 2.

Maybe the real ridiculous thing is that you expected from yourself to be born as some sort of superman. By doing so , you put the bar so ridiculously high for yourself, that you are never satisfied with yourself.

Instead of looking at the things you do not have in life, start looking at the things you DO have in life. And try to make the best out of it. Life isn't some sort of super hero movie, where you shoot lasers, or save cities, and where you are the most handsome person on earth.

It's more about trying to extract the most experience out of it, by doing things you enjoy and experience things that are wonderful. You know, things that occupy you, like hobbies. Because once you are occupied with something, you bring your attention away from your own dismay.

If you really want to improve in a certain area, then just buy some self help books that can lead you on your way.

I want my body to stop vibrating buzzing whenever I sit or lay in my house. Tell me how to do that and I'll go back to being. A chipper monkey.