***Trigger Warning***
On Friday, I texted my therapist asking if he could call because I needed to talk a bit more about session the night before and what had been spinning around in my head. I am struggling with reconciling the Jekyll and Hyde that was my sperm donor, of seeing that the person who sexually assaulted me from the age of 3 until I started my period just shy of turning 12, who used me as a punching bag, and emotionally tore me down, could have also been nice as well...
What we talked about Thursday night came together in a way that I could not verbalize while talking with my therapist in our session. To accept that what the sperm donor did to me was not my fault, was not something I could control is to accept that I am a VICTIM. And to accept that I am a victim is to accept that I am WEAK. This is causing quite a bit of internal conflict and anxiety and as way of coping, for what it's worth, I have been hurting myself. I am being reckless. I am rebelling. While talking with my therapist about not being able to, and maybe not wanting to, stop hurting myself, he pointed out that I am continuing to victimize myself by engaging in these destructive behaviors. Instead of helping me to stop by bringing this into the light, I am doubling down. I am picking fights at home, and I can't seem to walk away from arguments. I am slipping back into sleeping during the day, though yesterday may have been because I took a Xanax in an effort to quell the urges, something my therapist and I had discussed doing during our session.
I can not be a victim. I cannot...