TRIGGER WARNING: On Friday, my guy heard that one of his abusers passed away. This lead to him disclosing more sexual abuse to me that he hadn't previously told me about. This makes 4 people who sexually abused him when he was a child. The stuff he told me he said he's never told a living soul. Wow. I think we're getting somewhere. He's finally trusting me. I felt so honoured to have him confide in me like this. Unfortunately, letting himself be vulnerable to me by telling his secret, led to a nightmare in the night. He dreamt that i told him i found someone else and i didn't want him anymore. His cries in the night woke me up. It was a very upsetting dream. I explained to him that he was just feeling vulnerable and i assured him that i was committed to him. This stuff just confirms to me that i have to stop threatening to end the relationship if he doesn't do as i say (i.e. not looking for work - and i'm afraid his poverty leads to infidelity). He and i have already talked about this before this weekend and agreed that it had to stop. It does leave me stuck though on protecting my boundaries. This side of him makes me feel sorry for him and he can use that to manipulate. I'm feeling so close to him now and really feeling like the relationship is moving in the right direction...and yet i'm feeling a little threatened because i haven't got this boundary issue settled. It's hard work not being codependent. Sometimes i feel like i haven't got a clue about how to go about it.
a lot of people with PSTD also has BPD. Having the trauma he has will lead him to not trusting you. If he feels you are going to leave him, he will cheat to make you leave. Like, he is pushing you away so it hurts less. Although it will still hurt as much. I know it hurts to be cheated on, but if he comes home to you and stays with you that speaks volumes of his love for you and he is opening up to you not to some girl he is sleeping with. He needs support and you are being there for him at all cost and I admire you for that. I'm here if you need to talk, I have PTSD and BPD and I will listen without judgement anytime you need a sounding board. I know this has to be hard on you as it is so hard on him. He's been through so much and it's so hard for us who have been through so much abuse to be close to another. If he is sharing with you then you know he is trying. I have generally shared with my husband but not the emotions I have behind it all. I mask those and I try to keep him from having to deal with my crazy. I don't need to ruin my relationship that way. Men are different then women so I'm on the wrong end of this. HUGS. Be strong.
Very sorry at least problems are turning to progress be strong hope you both are better in time
I'm thinking...I know you need boundaries. I know boundaries are good. He needs you. I am one that has cheated on every single partner I have ever had, except for my husband. I have had moments where I go looking but I never go through with it. I really love him and I am terrified about losing him. Men are different. He can be terrified to lose you but that can make him cheat more. It's hard to explain to someone. I try to push my husband away at times....but in different ways. I am here to support you as much as I can. Is he in therapy? I feel I have talked to you about this before but I have a bad memory and I'm drinking right now so I can't remember if he is or not.
Being on the fence is good. Perhaps with your guidance and the guidance of couples therapy he will hop over and go to personal therapy. It could really help him. DBT therapy is said to be what is best for PTSD and BPD. I just started so I'm not sure yet but we will see in the months to come!