Trying to heal -- am I

just not sure where i am....divorce finalized in march this yr, have moved out, lost 40 lbs but still feel numb, as if I'm still waiting for life to restart. I talk to my ex every day -- he wants us to be best friends. Times like tonight the anger is rearing its ugly head & I just want to call him up & lambast him for what he's put me through. At the same time, I want to stop thinking of myself as a victim & become a survivor. My friends are tired of me "whining" about this -- can't say I blame them -- but then, part of me wants to tell them, "Look, your hubby didn't cheat on you/strangle you/insult you daily, so of course I have a problem!" Just so angry & I hate it. When do you stop feeling angry?

Hi Susiebfree71,
I don’t think it’s ever possible to stop feeling angry. I think the anger just fades but still remains. Perhaps it just changes into something more manageable and hence, tolerable.
I am now officially separated myself. Unlike you, I really don’t have any friends who I can talk to about my feelings or anyone who can give me support while I’m trying to heal and move on. I think you’re very lucky to have friends who are there for you even though you think they may be tiring of hearing you “whine.”
I feel we need to do whatever we can to heal from a relationship which drains and hurts us.
I’m pretty much in the same spot as you are. I’m in limbo waiting for my life to begin too. I know it’s going to take a very long time for me to feel good about myself again. I am hoping that at the very least the work that I have ahead of me will fill me up enough so that I can withstand the roiling emotions within me. Keeping busy and distracted is my only defense and coping mechanism. I’m confident that one day the coping part will one day stop feeling like that and my new and better life will take over.
Perhaps in this new life of mine I’ll finally be able to meet new people who I can call friends and eventually make new relationships that are meaningful.
One thing’s for sure; I certainly don’t want to become involved with another man!
Again I say, you’re very fortunate that you have friends to help you through this. I wish I had that.

1 Heart

dear belana,

thank you so very much for the kind words -- i started tearing up, to be honest. i am praying for you to have strength. i'm sure, from what you said, that you are indeed a very strong person who will get through this. you said something very apropos - "in this new life of mine.." i guess that's very true, it IS a new life, & we're redefining ourselves from "wife" to something entirely different. kinda scary, but also rather exhilarating. in this divorce book i read, there was a great quote: we must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned so as to have the life that's waiting for us (joseph campbell). i'm hoping that you will get quick resolution.

thank you for reminding me of the precious gift of friendship. you say that you don't have really anyone in that category, but i'm willing to listen as a future fellow survivor, just like you. only ppl in this lion's den would understand.

as for men...ugh, i really can't say as i blame you! i think that's a defining moment in our respective healing processes -- that we're willing to admit that, rather than (as my ex did, & quite openly at that), just hop onto the next available person.

again, i can't thank you enough for the words of support, & i hope that i've done the same for you. if ever you need to talk, please send me a message.

HUGS from another survivor - you WILL get through this!

@susiebfree71 I like that quote. I’m having a hard time letting go of my dreams. It’s hard to accept I am older now but not willing to gracefully bow out of my younger dreams.


it is with a heavy heart i read your posts, its painful to listen/read the pure lack of confidence/vitality u are both feeling.

anger is good as a motivator but dont let it consume your life, then it becomes corroding and bitter and often backfires on yourselves.

whilst i can appreciate raw emotions and the million questions u have generated in this situation im glad u are both moving forward.

church groups soemtimes have drop in sessions for people to talk about their emotions.

but too both of u welcome to the survivors club hope to hear more as u work thru the pain to the other side

loving thoughts and positive vibes

No one knows a person situation unless they have gone through it. Everyone is different no matter how close to the same they are. You are right to be filled with all these emotions, your friends should allow you to get it out in order to help you recover. It is always a catch 22, if you bounce back to soon they people question if you have a heart, if you are slow at recovery they want you to hurry and move along. in life it is so hard to win. You will get by and I pray you come out on top.

1 Heart

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