Trying to make sense of it all

Just wanted to say "hi" to everyone. I am new and trying to figure this site out. My life is a mess and I am trying to make some kind of sense of it all. I am 46yrs old and married for 25yrs. I feel like I am living with a stranger. The more I try to express my feelings to my husband the further I push him away. He is a good man, and feels like well its never enough with me. Now it is just getting worse and I have no idea how to fix this. I am so sad. If any body out there wants to talk please let me know. I really could use someone to talk to.
Thanks

Hi Lily,
I suppose we all need someone to talk to now and then; I certainly do! My situation is very different than yours, but I can suggest a book (you can go to the website) called REALLOVE.com. Greg Baer is the author. I always go to books when things aren't working for me, & have a whole library! If that doesn't resonate, I have a few other suggestions.

Hi Adventuregirl,
Thanks so much for replying to me with your suggestion. I will definetly look that up and read. My story is rather long and very involved, that was just the very short of it at the time. If you are ever bored or just want a friend, maybe we can share some more of our lives. Thanks again and have a great day!!
Lily

Hey lily, welcome to SupportGroups. I'm glad you found this site as there are many here w/the same issues. Have you & your husband ever considered counseling if affordable? You havent really said WHY you push him away in the relationship, so I'm cloudy as to HOW TO respond. We look forwward to hearing frmm you.

Adventuregirl, good advice, keep it up.

April

Hi April,
Thank you so much for the warm welcome!! Your question about marriage counseling is I have just started regular counseling for me. Marriage counseling is not covered by our insurance but the therapist does work with couples when needed. I have gone to see him twice so far. It is like taking tiny baby steps, when I want to run and scream!I don’t if it will help, but I guess it can’t hurt. I do not intentionally push my husband away. What I ment by that was when I express myself to him about what I need to be happy in the marriage he just gets mad or blows me off. Sometimes I think maybe I am just crazy and I should be grateful for what I have. I am grateful but I also deserve to be happy and life is to short not to be. I am disabled for 16yrs at 30yrs old I had my first of 7 back surgeries. I am now going thru menopause and I feel so out of control and sad all the time. Sorry, there I go rambling on. Thanks for listening and for being so sweet.
Lily

Lily,
All I know is marriage is HARD! You should be proud that you've stayed together for 25 years, that's incredible. All relationships need to be nurtured, not just the romantic ones. In my experiences, communication is crucial. Not just communicating, but communicating in a way that the other is actually understanding and comprehending what the core issues are. How one achieves that, depends. It's so easy to become comfortable in a relationship that two people just 'stop trying'. I've been guilty of that several times. How long have you felt this distance with your husband? Do you guys have children? What exactly is making you feel unhappy? You are not crazy, you are feeling this way for a reason and we should try and get to the bottom of those reasons. It's important we have gratitude for the loved ones in our lives but the effort must go both ways, and it seems you aren't feeling unfilled. Please fill me in when you get a chance so that I can better understand your situation and how you are feeling.

xo, July

July,
Thank you so very much for your reply. It has touched my heart more than you know. I have been feeling so hopeless and down and your words just lifted me up. I have been feeling like something is missing for awhile now. I can not communicate well with my husband. I am working on that. You are right, marriage is way HARD! We have two grown children, a daughter 29yrs old and a son 22yrs old. I think mostly I am going through a rough time in my life, menopause, disabled, empty nest (almost, son in his last yr of college but lives here). I communicate too much I think most times and my husband is not big on that. He is more quite and reserved, always has been. I take things way personal, and when he doesn’t say much of anything, I interpret that as not caring. I think I am at a time in my life where I need to really look at myself and figure “me” out. Somewhere along all this life I have lost ME. You have given me some things to think about and I appreciate your support. You are so sweet to have taken the time to care. If you ever want to vent I am here for you as well.
Thanks again,
Lily

Very well said, July. I feel I'm being redundant some times in the different topics...Lily, July is right; you are not alone. Just reach out here any time. July said everything so well I don't have much to add, except that your husband probably feels helpless in his ability to help you & doesn't know what to do. Men need to 'fix things'; if he can't he is lost. If you are just venting, tell him you just need him to listen. Also, it's important to choose words that don't make him feel blamed. The Mars/Venus book is a good start. I don't know the details of your situation; just grasping here...

Thanks Adventuregirl that makes so much sense. That is exactly what he told me. He doesn’t know what to do or say to help me. I don’t even know so how could I possibly expect him to know, lol. You are right when you say for me to choose my words so as to not make him feel blamed. I tend to do that without thinking. Thanks for your “grasping” you were right on target!!!
Love,
Lily

Hi Lily123, welcome to Support Groups, I am so happy that you are here with us and thank you for sharing your story. First and foremost, congratulations on 25 years of marriage, that's amazing and such an accomplishment. I do believe that all relationships have their ups and downs, but the common thread that keeps them going is strong communication and trust. I believe that without the two of those, it's tough to continue on in a healthy manner. I think that you have already initiated the right steps by talking to your husband and seeing a therapist. Maybe you can slowly integrate your husband into counseling when you feel comfortable doing so. I know that you will make it through this time together. Please keep sharing with us.

Hi puppydoglvr,
You have given me such encouragement!! Also, thank you for the warm welcoming here. I am here for you as well if you need a friend.
Love,
Lily

First and foremost I want to say thank you to all of you who replied to my post. Your words have touched my heart and given me such encouragement I can not express my gratitude enough!!!! Hope everyone has a blessed and beautiful day!!!
Love,
Lily123

Of course Lily, I am here to help you through this in any way that I can and I really want to see you in a happy marriage. Please keep sharing with us.

Lily, You will never find a more concerned or considerate group of friends than here. We are so fortunate to have found this site at the low point of our lives. We share and care and I have been amazed at how much this has helped me in my journey. The one thing I'd like to add to what everyone else has said is have you seeked hormone replacement therapy. I know that I went through a very difficult time until my Doctor began me on RPT. I had depression, panic attacks and thought I was loosing my mind. This can exaserbate any problems in your life. You may find with medication you can approach your husband with a different outlook which may cause him to become more approachable and receptive. This may not be n option for you, but thought it was worth offering. Continue to share with us and we will continue to offer suggestions that may help. Virtual Hugs, Raylene

Funny Face, Thank you so much for that reply. I have not yet been to my gyno appt. I am overdue by 3 yrs. I go on Oct 28th but things are so bad I want to try and change it to earlier at a diff location. I have all the symptoms you mentioned above and I am drinking now just to make it go away. That is only going to add to my problems I know, however, it is the only way I can even cope. I try my best to only drink tiny amounts. I so hope once I get to my appt that I will be able to get put on something. I am doing all the right things that my husband has told me he wants me to do. It’s been really bad about 3wks. I gave him space and I am not asking why is he pulling away, etc. Now he is even worse. He acts fine and is “nice” but will not come up to me at all and give me a hug, no phone calls to me all day, the little things that would keep me going. I thought maybe if I really tried he would come around but he seems to be liking this and getting farther away. Almost as if he is hoping I make the choice to end this. I dont know what to say anymore to him or how to say it. Everything I do is wrong and he says I am over exagerating. I can not take one more of day of being so sad. I have to do something today to end this torture. I will once again try to talk to him as I can not take him being so cold anymore but I have such fear that I will say it wrong and make things even worse. Like he will say, oh well then we have to split. That is not what I want but I cant go on like this. I am so sorry for rambling on so much just that I do not know what to do and am hurting so bad. Thanks so much for caring enough to send your thoughts!
Love,
Lily

Lily,
You said it right yourself, somewhere along the way you lost YOU. I've heard this so much lately, "you do you, and I'll do me". Relationships are so difficult but I'm certain if you find some happiness within yourself, independent of your husband or children, you will find it much easier to relate to your husband without taking everything so personal. I can only imagine how much you have sacrificed and somewhere along the way you forget to take care of yourself. Your children are older now, so take some time and be selfish for a change and find what makes you tick! I'm sure once your husband notices how happy you are, your relationship with grow in a positive way, organically. People love to see their loved ones happy. Seeing as how you can't figure anything else out, it's worth a shot. Find some new hobbies, hang with your friends more often, make little "to do" lists that revolve around you. Maybe things will start looking up?

Keep me posted, chat with me anytime.
xo, July

Thanks hun, I will try to take your advice. I am in crisis mode now however and have been trying to just be me and be happy. That hasnt made my husband come near me anymore but I guess I havent given him much time either. Thanks for your help and support I will keep you posted.
Hugs,
Lily

July excellant job as usual. Lily we've all been where your at OR are still going through it in one form or another (I'm 54) in a 19yr. dead end marriage (husband has multiple personality disorders & wont help himself) my sons are 18 & 26, my 18yr. old just started his first year of college & still lives at home & for more FUN menopause (although THAT I'm enjoying LOL). Your going through so many things in your life its understandable to be feeling overwhelmed at times & its only human to think about "maybe we missed out on something" OR "the grass being greener", I do that alot of days just to feel a lil better. Your doing the best you can for everyone surrounding the situation & might be a good opportunity to just sit back & relax for a JOB WELL DONE & try not to think too much about all of it, I've been working on that for myself the past 2yrs., am doing alot better now to.

All my strengths & I'll be thinking of you.

April

April,
Thanks for sharing that with me. You sound like an amazing woman and I am so glad that our paths crossed to meet in here. It sounds like you can really relate to what I am going through. That helps a lot in itself. The menopause, well I think one part of it is good, lol, but the Extra crazy thoughts and feelings suck big time. I do have a 3yr overdue gyno appt though that I am going to soon, so maybe that will help as well. I just have to say to you and everyone else in here who sent replies and support to me, that it has already been a tremendous help. I am in shock at how much better I feel already by just coming in here for a few days. Reading all the advice and getting so much feedback from different people. My “talk” last night with my husband went well. I am going to do a general post about it when I am done here. The bottom line is…I do need to work on really loving ME and my happiness first…He can not be responsible for that. I love you all and thank you all so much from the bottom of my heart for being here for me.
Have a great weekend and know that I am here for you as well!!
Love,
Lily
xo

for Lili 123 -if you are real person with this problem and want to talk - please call me 302-723-5