Tuesday was not a good day for me. I had to leave work because I had two anxiety attacks. I miss him so much and I was mad because he left me and didnt fight hard enough to stay with me. I went to his crash site and in my mind I was yelling at him and cursed at him and asking him why didnt he take me with him? I went to our apartment after wards and yelled at him some more and demanded that he walked through the door and say "hi babe" but nothing i fell asleep at the apt for two hours. For the first time I was able to fall asleep at the place we made our home and I felt warm even though the heater was off.I woke up at the time that he usually got home and left to my sisters.On Wednesday I woke up ok cuz for some reason I felt him with me and I made it through the day and eventhough I kept checking my phone to see if he texted me knowing that he wouldnt and that he wasnt I made it through out the day. After work I went to go visit him at the cemetery and just told him that I am not mad at him anymore and that he knew that no matter what he did I will always love him. I also told him that he need to understand that I needed time to cry over him because I miss him so much and that I wish I could dig up all the dirt thats covering him, open up his casket and lay with him but I knew he wouldnt let me. There isnt a day that I wonder if he is okay or that if he has had something to eat?... I miss him so much and its hard to go on with out him but I have to keep on reminding myself he is with his grama wich he always wanted to be....
mighty girl
congratulations on lettin out all the anger and pent up fury u felt at him for being so stupid and dying. it was good that u could finally acknowledge that u are mad at him and he has to give u space to do things like cry when u want to.
im sure he is fine and his grandma is looking after him and showing him others who have gone before, i like to look for the brightest star and that is my loved one still there keeping watch on me dispite the fact i fail and cry and shout at times about the injustice of it all, just try and be kind to yourself, u have begun the healing process and it will continue sometimes forwards sometimes back but nevertheless its a journey we all have to take at our time and our speed regardless of who suggests we should be doing this that and the other
stay strong
as always loving thoughts and positive vibes
D :)