I haven't had the opportunity to read the support that I've gotten on my previous posts from the community, but I can say that I really appreciate it. It's made a large difference having a place to talk about the eating disorder... It's as if having an audience has given me permission to think about it, to have a dialogue with myself about what's happening for me.
Without this support, I tend to silence the conversation and just get lost in the action.
I have a really busy day ahead of me, and I don't feel like I've had the opportunity to take a moment to breath in preparation for it... Something that always helps me put my head into a better place. To appreciation the world around me (a grey April morning, rain) and to have acceptance and joy over my place in it.
That said, a few minutes to acknowledge the way the eating disorder has me feeling... I realize that I purge so frequently out of a desire not so much to be thin, but to be empty. Like I'm afraid of having substance (which in my mind, our minds, is metaphorically represented by fat). It occurred to me that I might just be afraid; if I am nothing at all then I cannot be threatened; if I have nothing to lose, then it cannot be taken away.
Because of my upbringing, I think I am constantly worried... that my well-being is in a state of jeopardy. My body hasn't learned that I will be taken care of, that I am an adult and able to cultivate safety. That my beingness is not going to be constantly threatened, that I AM OKAY. The fear of substance translates directly to the conviction that eating is unsafe... Not even that fat is unsafe... just that anything more than the slightest physical presence is unsafe...
Today, as a mantra, I am going to repeat, "I AM OKAY and I AM SAFE." Maybe also... "There is April rain, and it is grey, and there is peace."
Thank you all for your support. I look forward to having a few moments at the end of my day to responding to all of you.
Many blessings and well wishes.
-H/G