Two months ago I experienced a very traumatic thing. Where someone I love and trusted called me something horrible and it trigged my eating disorder. I worked so hard for years to get better. And it all fell apart with two words. Since then I have been restricting, secret eating, binge eating, getting angry and mean to people (especially to those who try to help me.) I use to be so happy. And I was better. And I was proud of who I was. Now, I’m not that anymore. I miss me.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this! It sounds like you worked really hard to recover from your eating disorder in the past. And it's all shot due to this person saying something horrible to you. First of all, I feel you have accomplished something wonderful to have gotten well the first time. I hope you are remembering with pride how persistent you were to achieve such a difficult goal. Second, everyone loses ground during a crisis. Third, people are wired to love and need other humans. The fact that you loved and trusted this person and then they called you something horrible is a betrayal on the most primal, gut level. I'm thinking it's almost like a rape - like a violation of your most intimate, vulnerable place. I'm guessing that because you loved and trusted them, you let down your guard. Therefore when the blow came, you weren't protecting yourself, so it went right to your gut. Is this accurate? No wonder you're experiencing your eating disorder again, and no wonder you're mean to people. I've heard that emotional abuse is worse than physical abuse, and that words can hurt like a fist. So in a very real way this person traumatized you. What you're doing is called "a normal response to an abnormal situation." (PTSD) Does this make any sense?
@L2015 yes, that is exactly how it feels. Thank you for your reply. It’s a very challenging situation because this person is my partner. And I see him everyday. And he’s going to therapy now to work on himself so he won’t hurt me again. I’m still just so…hurt. And filled with anger. Thank you for listening.
You backslid. We humans all do in one way or another. I think you're being hard on yourself about your reactions causing you to slip. Have you thought about telling this person how this hurt you? Perhaps it would help to quell these horrible feelings eating at you. If you did, it would be a very constructive way of addressing it and possibly enable you to forgive, (if you're having trouble forgiving.) And even if that person didn't see their error or refused to acknowledge your suffering then you'd know you stood up for yourself. Regardless of the outcome or decision about that idea, I think it's okay to not be hard on yourself about stumbling back into your eating disorder. You can pick yourself up again.
@Scat Thank you for your response. Yes, this person is my partner. So we decide to work things out. And we talk about it every time I get the courage to open up. This incident has made me close off from him. I’m scared to be vulnerable. And he knows what he did was terrible and is actively working on himself to ensure it doesn’t happen again. Thank you for recognizing how hard I am being on myself. I often forget how I did recover and I can do it again. It’s just hard. But thank you.